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i feel like my sexuality is repressed.1 month

Hi. Yeah, I feel like my sexuality is repressed. Granted I'm still a senior in high school but still. I know I've had a fat fetish (and many related ones) for years (definitely since elementary). Expressing my sexuality has never been easy. Basically, every time I have ever brought it up to anyone, negative interactions follow. Combined with having mental illness (some sort of depression), this has had a tole on my mental state...I have turned to porn in the past for a long time (years) to help ease and satisfy my urges and lust but I believe it has begun to truly have a negative impact on me.

Since May of this year, after seeking and receiving psychiatric help with my depression and gaining a more stable mental state, I have finally been able to focus on other important things: such as sex, sexuality, and gender.

Exploring these things, I have begun experimenting to discover who I truly am. I HAVE began to try to gain weight and enjoy the absolute f*ck out of bloating. During the summer, I tried dating a few girls (none of which shared my preferences) but those "relationships" failed, although I'd liked to believe I have a much better concept of how they work. Waiting for a true relationship is not easy (especially considered my limited environment and options).

I just feel like my isolated sexual fantasy habits and behaviors has had a tole on my mental health: my social ability has severely decreased, my outlook on life is not positive or hopeful at the moment, and beside my routine of work and school, I have no purpose (except fixating on my fetishes). I do plan on speaking with a therapist I'm comfortable with and feel accepted by about this (starting in January though).

I'm not sure what responses I'd like to this; I think I just want help figuring out what I should do, help with coping with my current situation, etc.

If you need a bit more information, I still live with my parents and plan to until my junior year of university. I live in a relatively royal town, fairly Christian, and not very progressive.

i feel like my sexuality is repressed.1 month

I didn't like a lot of things about myself and my love life when I was your age. It's not the easiest time in most people's lives. What I can tell you is that it gets better as you get older. People become less concerned about image, they become more comfortable with who they are, and it's way less cliquey than high school. Our shared kink is not the easiest for many to handle, and there will be many people that you date who will not understand it. Don't let this get you down. You'll meet the right person in time, hopefully someone who shares your kinks or helps satisfy you in that way.