It was an ordeal cleaning up the messes in my kitchen and bathroom caused by cooking Van de Kamp's fried fish fillets, but they're soooo worth it!

Has anyone else ever had the weird experience of straining their memory trying to remember whether they've ever had sex in a neighboring town? I probably spent a good five minutes trying to remember whether I had ever gotten it on in Altoona, Iowa. I haven't, just Des Moines and Pleasant Hill. But I have definitely done some crazy sh*t in Altoona. A.mes. may be the town where Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off the bat, but the stuff I've done in Altoona, some of which involves bats and some of which DEFINITELY involves my obsessive love of Chris Farley, tops that.

All manner of pan s that wouldn't fit in my Lilliput Ian kitchen sink are soaking in my bathtub. A frustrating issue that I'm sure many can identify with, but definitely preferable to having a roadkill possum in bathtub as I called every butcher shop in town, trying in vain to find one willing to cut it up for me and leave me with just nice boneless skinless possum. I don't butcher chickens or turkeys. I'm definitely not doing a marsupial. That happened when I was in my twenties. Frat boys live like Emily Post compared to me in my twenties. LOL

It was socially irresponsible to hire aN actor with a voice that sexy to play Rikk.i Tik.ki Tavi. Kidding, obviously, but I believe 100 % that the sexy voice is the reason I have this horrible problem.

I live in constant fear of getting kicked off FF. My sexual proclivities are extremely weird even in a community like this one (Mongoose fetishism, anyone?) Seeing that FF has chosen not to take down my story of how I would live as the Hugh Hefner of the female feeder/BHM lover world--a lifestyle that would make Howard Hughes' seem normal--and my manifesto. Against noise pollution feels really, REALLY Good. FF, please do not take down this post. I'm not a bad person. I am praying to God to make me not sexual.ly attracted to Rik.ki Tik.ki Tavi. I would never hurt a mongoose in real life!)

Some rap and hip hop is good. I own some of those CDs. Want "You Never Met a Mother F**ker Quite Like Me" by Kid Rock played at my funeral. But most of the music coming from my apartment parking lot causes me to open my window (a difficult task, as I have absolutely no idea how to operate these pestilential venetian blinds and have to call the maintenance to fix them every time I kill a fly) and blast Sam and Dave with the volume on my CD player cranked up to 10. "What'd I Say?" I'll tell you what I heard, Mr. ChArles: These kids are violating the noise ordinance! And please stop the wind chime insanity! There is a special place in hell for people who would inflict the torture of having to listen to a wind chime when oNE is trying to sleep, especially after being asked very politely to stop and having had a flaming bag of human excrement left on your doorstep by aN out-of-shape 31-year-old who can barely run away fast enough after ringing the doorbell.

Morning, everyone! Hi, again, Iron City 89! Thank you so much for trying to help, but I actually got a few steps further than that before I started having trouble. The person I wanted to talk to was on the page with the icons with the little flowers, and I couldn't for the life of me get anything on that page to do ANYTHING.

Yes, I admit it, before things got serious with Bryan, I fantasized about becoming the Hugh Hefner of BHM lovers, tending a stable of fat twenty something stallions when I was in my nineties. They'd be using me for my money. I'd be turning them in for newer models when they hit 35ish. Tit. For tat. Work on the BHM Research Institute (my mansion) would continue until my death, like with the Winchester House in San Jose, California, partly because it would be so much fun to joke, "This is how crazy these guys' bodies makes me!" And partly because I would need a whole Lotta refrigerated storage rooms for jars of stuff most folks wouldn't typically save. Some of the content. Of my magazine would be tasteful. Springtime fashions. Gingerbread recipes. Free advertising space for charities. Some of the content. Would be SLEAZY. Stuff that would make "Penthouse" look like "Guideposts." Stuff like, "Guys Who Have Been Hit Cars." I would only provide a snail mail address for letters to the editor and I would take them home and add them to the pile on which my boy toys and I would sleep, knowing that all the people who wrote angry letters because I held a huge convention for all the people who have a mongoose fetish because the voice. Of the actor from "Rik.ki. Tik.ki. Tavi. Was so sexy would be furious that I had tossed the letter onto the pile, fed and "ten.ded. to" my BHMs on it, and slept. Like a baby. (I have been hit by 2 cars irl, once accidentally and once on purpose.My mom took the side of the guy who hit me with his car.)

Everyone who reads about my lack of computer skills must be thinking, "No one could possibly be that stupid." In reality, I am the type of intellectual who wonders if Sophie Kinsella considers herself to be continuing the Aesthetic literary tradition, who had to explain a joke in "Dumb and Dumber To" to loved ones who have never studied Latin, and am definitely planning to read the 4 books Schopen.Hauer rated as the best ever. "Don Quixote" sounds so relevant to my life in the 21st century. I turned my life into a live action role playing game within the past 10 days. I am announcing my retire ment. As the undefeated Boner.Quest world champion. I had sweet, tender, Methodist Church approved sexual relations with the guy who has the hottest body that has ever existed on a human being. How many people could pass a lie detector test saying that their companion has the hottest body they've ever seen? And have this person genuinely love them, and not be a gold digger? I'm pretty lucky.

HoW do I write in chat? I've. Pressed every possible thing and no luck!

Going to listen to a little Tom Waite, my kindred spirit who was still singing about telegraphs in the '80s. On CD, of course. LOL

Damn my insufficient computer skills! I want to feed Stormthief!

I honestly hate Cindy Crawford. She fat shame.d J. Lo, who is so skinny you couldn't hit her with a handful of corn, in a way that was extremely ethnically insensitive. I want to tear her down and make her cry.

Going to Google "How do I recycle pornography?" Just for shit s and giggles. Good night, everybody.

I made "Pretty Woman" real for Bryan, and someday, he's going to make "Ghost" real for me. This is magic, and I can't process it, and I am going to have some mozzarella sticks. LOL.