Chapter 1 - i farted today...

At work. In my office.

I have a rule that I never fart at work. At home and in the car only. But I've been eating like a pig lately.

And we both know the consequences of that.

It started as a growl in my belly, but I had just finished lunch (a loaded turkey sub with Doritos and a cup of apple slices and grapes) so it wasn't from hunger.

I could feel the gas inside me, flowing in circles, searching for a way out. It growled again in frustration.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to ease it out, to let it loose as quietly as possible. But that was in vain. I've put on some weight recently and I was already on the precipice of becoming fat. There was no way this was coming out quietly.

Not from MY ass.

It rushed downward and slammed into the center of my butt, a tremendous weight pressing into my center of gravity. And with a victorious roar, it exploded into the world, no doubt audible to the people around me, reverberating the walls separating us, shaking the very floor beneath their feet.

I breathed deeply, the buzz of escaping pressure spreading just beneath the surface of my skin. I put my hands on my butterfly-filled belly, panting from relief.

Then, a beautiful lady coworker of mine came rushing through my open office door, needing something urgent. But she stopped as if hitting an invisible wall and instinctually covered her mouth. She faintly scratched her nose in an attempt at being surreptitious about defending it from my smell.

She was quick in getting out her request, when on a normal day she would hang around and chat. But I, too, was eager to get her away from the cloud I had just released. As soon as I told her I'd take care of her issue, she was gone, trying not to leave too quickly, and yet noticeably quicker than I had ever seen her move before.

I felt the heat of embarrassment in my cheeks for a bit afterwards, but then I smiled inwardly, realizing that I had just crossed another milestone in my gaining.

Might be time to reconsider my rule...