Chapter 1: Oceanic

From the case notes of Doctor Hefmire, Oxford University, England- dated 02/09/2011

“The alien lifeforms mankind encounters in most science fiction do not constitute realistic speculation as to what extra-terrestrial life might look like, or how it might behave. Rather, these aliens represent the darker side of human nature, or our ideals, or just our fascination with the unknown. Despite knowing this, we still believed that when we made contact with alien life-forms, they would land in flying saucers and behave like the mysterious, advanced beings we had portrayed for years. This was, perhaps, our greatest error of judgement... it was, after all, this belief that stopped us realising what she was...”

***

There was a rippling on the surface of the ocean that seemed to have nothing to do with the tide. The ripples drew closer the shoreline, and a woman stood up through them. She had been the thing causing them, swimming just below the surface of the water. As she stood, the water cascaded off her, making her glisten and sparkle momentarily as the noon sun caught her and shone off her dripping-wet skin. There was something about her that drew the eye. She was rather fat, a voluptuously heavy 220lb body beneath her tanned, well-proportioned face. She was also improbably good-looking, a scaled-up Hollywood superstar with intense blue eyes and long hair, shiny almost to the point of reflection. She stepped out onto the sand, the golden grains of it crunching beneath her toes as she made her way up the beach. Her eyes fixed on a man who looked to be of similar girth to herself and she wondered towards him.

This man, known to his close friends as Tattoo because of the alarmingly high number of them that adorned his body- which he claimed was large for the purposes of offering more canvas for his tattooist to work with- had never so much as been approached by a woman in all of his life and had no idea how to speak to them. It wasn’t his weight- he’d known larger friends of his find women they could settle down with- it was just that he seemed chronically unlucky in that department. This, he realised, was changing, as he looked up and saw the gorgeous and, he also realised, totally naked woman who had emerged from the ocean looking down at him. She gave him a smile, dazzling, sweet and slightly, just slightly sexually charged.

“Hi,” she said. “I don’t suppose you’ve got a spare change of clothes, have you?” She gestured down at her own nakedness by way of explanation.

“Yeah. Sure.” As a matter of fact, Tattoo had no such thing, but it was only after he was halfway through “sure” that he realised this.

“Actually,” he said, “no- sorry. Er... if you want the ones I’ve got on now then I can always drive home in my swimming trunks. Do you want a towel to dry yourself off with, by the way?”

“Thanks. And yes to both.” The woman took the proffered and began rubbing away the water that the sun had not yet evaporated from her skin. The movement of the towel over her body caused her flesh to ripple and shift in mesmerising jiggles. Once she’d finished, he crammed herself into Tattoo’s clothes and looked around aimlessly for a moment, before hunkering down to talk to him.

“Don’t you have a woman with you?” she asked, boldly.

“No... I haven’t been very lucky there, really...” he trailed off as the mysterious woman leaned forward and kissed him full on the mouth.

“You should find someone,” she told him. “Go to a bar tonight- Try to pick someone up! A handsome man like you will make someone very happy.” With that said, she stood again, and continued up the beach towards the quiet little English town that lay beyond it, leaving footprints in the sand and admiring glances in her wake.

For readers who may be interested, that night, Tattoo took the mysterious woman’s advice, went to a singles’ bar and tried to chat someone up. Here, he met a very nice woman who beat him in a drinking contest and whom, only a few months later, he married. The honeymoon was in Morocco and involved some of the best sex of their entire relationship.