Uhh, I don't really have any advice, but I would like to say that I've gone through very similar experiences to the ones you described. Since I was 13 I realized what was going on, why I fantasized about fattening men up all the time, and all the weird fat-related images that stuck with me from early childhood when nothing else did suddenly made sense.
Being a highly neurotic person and being cripplingly sensitive to the societal fat phobia zeitgeist we currently live in, I tried for years and years to repress my sexuality, to deny it and feel guilty about it. I became anorexic, and after many years of repression I convinced myself that I was asexual. I dated thin guys. It was awful.
I have finally gotten to a point in my life that I realize this is a part of me that will never go away, that this is just who I am. I've had the good fortune of meeting a partner I am totally compatible with, a BHM who loves the beauty of fat as much as I do. Will we tell our relatives? No. Will they probably guess as he keeps gaining weight and I fawn all over him? Yes. Does it matter? Will it inhibit our own happiness with ourselves and each other? No.
The best lesson I've learned in life is to stop caring about the opinions of people who don't matter to you, anyway. It's pointless to fear the judgement of random people in the street, of your mental idea of what others might think. Just learn to ignore all that and focus on making yourself happy, on accepting yourself. If you keep looking, I'm sure you'll find someone else who gets it.
I have told close friends about my being an FFA. They didn't really get it, either, but they didn't reject me or anything. I think, to an extent, people outside the FA community won't really get it, ever. Like I could never force myself to find hard, thin bodies attractive, they can't see it my way, either. But, they can still accept you and be supportive, and if you want to speak with them about it more to help them understand, go ahead! That's what friends are there for.
Being a highly neurotic person and being cripplingly sensitive to the societal fat phobia zeitgeist we currently live in, I tried for years and years to repress my sexuality, to deny it and feel guilty about it. I became anorexic, and after many years of repression I convinced myself that I was asexual. I dated thin guys. It was awful.
I have finally gotten to a point in my life that I realize this is a part of me that will never go away, that this is just who I am. I've had the good fortune of meeting a partner I am totally compatible with, a BHM who loves the beauty of fat as much as I do. Will we tell our relatives? No. Will they probably guess as he keeps gaining weight and I fawn all over him? Yes. Does it matter? Will it inhibit our own happiness with ourselves and each other? No.
The best lesson I've learned in life is to stop caring about the opinions of people who don't matter to you, anyway. It's pointless to fear the judgement of random people in the street, of your mental idea of what others might think. Just learn to ignore all that and focus on making yourself happy, on accepting yourself. If you keep looking, I'm sure you'll find someone else who gets it.
I have told close friends about my being an FFA. They didn't really get it, either, but they didn't reject me or anything. I think, to an extent, people outside the FA community won't really get it, ever. Like I could never force myself to find hard, thin bodies attractive, they can't see it my way, either. But, they can still accept you and be supportive, and if you want to speak with them about it more to help them understand, go ahead! That's what friends are there for.
6 years
