Lifestyle tips

3 years in to embracing gaining and having added 50lbs to her frame, my wife has come to a strange place where she loves being made to overeat and loves her fat body in the bedroom but has told me she feels very self conscious when going out and has said being fatter really affects her confidence and her ability to make friends.

Even after telling me this she asked me to feed her donut holes when we were in bed.

Its a very confusing message.

Has anyone else here resolved the whole wanting the best of both worlds from either a feedee or feeder perspective?

That’s a shame and must be very difficult for her. It’s unsurprising, in light of the prevailing culture and social expectations of appearance, that she’s conflicted. I doubt very much that she’s alone.

The best thing that you can do is to be supportive and to create an environment within your relationship where she feels safe to express her dilemma (it would appear you already have) and also to change path, should she wish. There is much you can do (and, again, no doubt you already do. I don’t wish to patronise) to build her confidence and self-esteem and to help her to see beauty and worth being independent of size.

It’s ultimately going to be about priorities. There may come a time when the social pressure to conform wins over the desire to be desired in the bedroom and, if so, that’s going to be tough on you my friend. If your relationship is a strong one, you’ll survive it. Relationships are built on compromise, after all.

That is my usual stance.

She was beautiful before she gained, but now (and maybe I'm a little biased), she is the most stunning woman I have ever dated. And she is well aware of that.

Of late however, she has started to retort (in a lights hearted manner), "you're a liar, but thank you".

Last night we had a long conversation of her asking me how she could know I was telling the truth about my preferences. A lot of ideas that must be mixed in with her decision came out such as the idea that men who claim to liked fat women do so because they believe others won't find them attractive and hence won't stray.

It's quite the minefield especially as she was comfortable with her body until recently.

It's seems very similar. I often catch her playing with her now rather fat tummy and it's her go to place with her hands in the bedroom but there's a definite self consciousness outside of the house

People look at people, usually. That's just what we do. And usually we don't think anything specific. If we do, it's gone in seconds. We have our own lives.

If one of those people looked at has a scar on her face, when she's looked at she'll feel "everybody is staring at my scar"

If one of those people looked at is wearing a bright colored hat she is selfconcious about she's going to feel "see, everybody looks at my hat and is judging me!"

And if you're fat, that's what you're going to feel. In reality most people don't notice, don't care.

Always compliment your woman. If you have to think about what your last compliment was, you're not doing it enough. Put your arm around her or walk hand in hand or arm in arm in public. Make it known to her and others you're proud to be seen with your wife.

I hope she's resolved some of those conflicting thoughts and feelings -- cognitive dissonance can be exhausting!

One thought, if she is still struggling, is to help her have something else that will draw attention and praise, so that people are not first focused on her weight. With people she knows, maybe taking a new class or training? For just general being out in the world, especially for dealing with other women, sometimes a luxury can help. A designer handbag, a stunning pair of earrings or a glittering finger ring, or even new hair done from a high end salon that does a great job.

Also, if you don't already, go shopping with her, ask her to come out of the change room to model for you. Choose a couple of things more daring than her usual for her to try on. "Not those shorts, they are toooo short!". "You don't have to buy them, but I reeeeaaallly want to see you try them on.". It is a good way, IMO, to help prove that you adore her current body. Words are nice, but finding ways to SHOW it really helps.

That is basically what we have fallen in to in the last 2 months.

Also finding good fitting clothing has helped a lot (the move from NYC to London really made is realise that larger European women have a hard time finding ways to accentuate their bodies).

The baby leaves little time for "her time" but he'll be weaning a little next month so hopefully she'll also be able to do more things that make her feel good. She used to go out dancing and do zumba classes even when she was actively gaining, and I think that did a lot for her.

Thanks to all for the advice

Is she on this site?

I struggle feeling confident and comfortable with my weight and the way my body looks as well. The person I am in a relationship with had me join this site specifically to help with that.

Interacting and building friendships with those who are similar in regards to weight is really helpful. It makes it seem less like there is something wrong with you, and more like there is something wrong with everyone else who isn't overweight and makes you feel bad or uncomfortable about it.

Sharing pictures helps on here too. It's super uncomfortable and hard to do when you don't feel good about how you look, but getting likes and comments from people supporting you and the way you look instead of putting it down is awesome. People have been cool about it in my experience, not creepy, and it has helped a lot.

If she's not on here, joining might help. Or if she is, maybe participating in things more. It might help with more than just confidence, she might decide if gaining is something she is truly into as well.

I had suggested it but she just occasionally browses without logging in. It she looks at Tumblr where there are a number of BP blogs.

The odd thing is is that from those that have known her longest, it appears about 5 years before I met her she weight in the low 200lbs range and kept a wider circle of friends and was more outgoing including in her attire.

I've suggested a social before but the kids didn't leave time for the outing.

I wonder if there was something between back then and now that really hurt her? Some guy who treated her badly, a coworker who really attacked her confidence, or the like?