lovejugs wrote:
Most probably, when you were a kid, you subconsciously loved your flab being prodded and poked by the doctor, and ,although hurtful on the one hand, you probably subconsciously loved being prodded and poked, and probably teased by other kids about your fat body.
It's a sort of compensation mechanism that is built into all humans....when something seemingly unpleasant ( liked being poked and prodded, or called rude names) happens to us, we humans automatically find something positive that balances or compensates this unpleasant experience.
It's the only way that we humans manage to keep sane!
LM12 wrote:
I was always a solid kid. In first grade, is when I got chubby. I distinctly remember my mom commenting on how my school uniform was too tight, how I should go outside and play more, that I was eating too much and that my belly was "getting big and disgusting".
Even more so, I remember going to the doctor and dreading it. All year, I lived in fear of stepping on that scale. the overweight doctor would sit my nearly naked body on the table and poke by little pudge. She said, "some one has been eating cookies and chips and cakes and ice cream." My big light brown/hazel eyes would tear up but just stare back. "Don't you want to be skinny? Don't you want to wear nice clothes and have cool friends." I would simply nod yes. It was everything I desperately wanted.
But diets, exercising, fat camp....nothing changed the way I looked. And the oddest thing of all, is that what I feared is now something that arouses me more than anything. The thought of someone weighing me, measuring me, poking me, interrogating me on my diet and exercise regime gives me goosebumps. How is something that I am so ashamed of simultaneously exhilarating?
Anyone else have a similar
experience?
I was always a solid kid. In first grade, is when I got chubby. I distinctly remember my mom commenting on how my school uniform was too tight, how I should go outside and play more, that I was eating too much and that my belly was "getting big and disgusting".
Even more so, I remember going to the doctor and dreading it. All year, I lived in fear of stepping on that scale. the overweight doctor would sit my nearly naked body on the table and poke by little pudge. She said, "some one has been eating cookies and chips and cakes and ice cream." My big light brown/hazel eyes would tear up but just stare back. "Don't you want to be skinny? Don't you want to wear nice clothes and have cool friends." I would simply nod yes. It was everything I desperately wanted.
But diets, exercising, fat camp....nothing changed the way I looked. And the oddest thing of all, is that what I feared is now something that arouses me more than anything. The thought of someone weighing me, measuring me, poking me, interrogating me on my diet and exercise regime gives me goosebumps. How is something that I am so ashamed of simultaneously exhilarating?
Anyone else have a similar
experience?
Most probably, when you were a kid, you subconsciously loved your flab being prodded and poked by the doctor, and ,although hurtful on the one hand, you probably subconsciously loved being prodded and poked, and probably teased by other kids about your fat body.
It's a sort of compensation mechanism that is built into all humans....when something seemingly unpleasant ( liked being poked and prodded, or called rude names) happens to us, we humans automatically find something positive that balances or compensates this unpleasant experience.
It's the only way that we humans manage to keep sane!
Oh yes, most definitely. The fantasy LM12 describes is my favourite one too
and I have similar memories to hers. I've always thought that the knife-edge where shame and eroticism are balanced is where the fetish lies for me. Because of the (over-exaggerated) shame aspect I find it really hard to talk about with people outside this community. Maybe because the shame had such an emotional impact on me on such a formative/vulnerable time, I feel hyper-alert to the embarrassment still, and that's why I find it difficult to discuss. But it also makes being weighed/measured/poked/taunted/criticised for being fat such a turn-on now. But I disagree with lovejugs that I subconsciously enjoyed the humiliation at the time. I'm no shrink but I don't follow why your subconscious mind would enjoy something your conscious mind is finding deeply upsetting? What lovejugs says about turning something painful into something you can enjoy sounds legit though, as a defence mechanism your mind employs. Hence I fetishise what used to make me miserable. But I think the fetish and enjoyment came much, much later. We need a psychologist or psychiatrist to tell us when the enjoyment part happens... in the subconscious at the time, or later as a coping strategy?
9 years