PurpleJade:
TW: s/h
Anytime I try to gain I never feel as if my motives are driving me, and I’m just using food as an escape or for control.
I started gaining January during a cruise because it was fitting. Since then I’ve put on 10 pounds and tracked my weight obsessively. Once in the morning once at night. It absolutely is a turn on, I’m watching real time as my weight increases and my capacity increases. Unfortunately it also feels like I’m grasping for control.
As someone who has s/h in the past I understand the high feeling I got from it from that control. Whenever I’m gaining it’s so similar that it’s hard not to associate the two.
It doesn't help that my work circumstance would justify the feeling of no control. I’m currently waiting for more hours so I can move to salary, but am not receiving the proper workload from project managers so I’m stuck as a part time contractor with no other companies. I have enough money for rent for the next year and paying off all student loans, my situation is annoying at worst requiring me to find another job.
To clarify, I don’t want to s/h and haven't since I was in high school. I’m receiving therapist attention and have already talked on my work situation. My snag is I don’t want to inform my therapist of my fetish, and ask how to separate the association of s/h at the same time.
Just curious if anyone else has similar feelings and knows techniques to disassociate the two. I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Hey love. I'm sorry you're going through it. I have faith you'll get through to the other side.
I have PTSD and have had depression with s/i in the past. I never self-harmed, but I had maladaptive pleasure-seeking. That's nearly the same thing.
I am also an ex-gainer who has body dysmorphia. I remember hopping on the scale 10 times a day and dealing with the highs and lows with weight fluctuation.
Not a good time for me.
I'm in a better place now, but a large part of it involved reconciling with my fetish. It's a part of who I am and ignoring that does a huge disservice to myself. I understand opening up about something so intimate can be scary. But it's vital to your healing.
