chapter 2 — the woman

I’m pretty hungry by lunchtime. Like, starving. Probably from all the exercise. My one little sandwich isn’t enough to satisfy. So, I bug Iluka for some change.

‘Iluka, you got five bucks?’

‘What for?’ he asks, as if five bucks can buy anything other than food at lunchtime.

‘Food, what else?’

‘Here’s ten, get me a sausage roll and coke while you’re at it’

Standing in the canteen line, I notice Hans’s a few spots ahead of me…

‘Yeah, can I get a meat pie, a pizza roll, a milkshake, and a chocolate bar?’

His order costed ten bucks all up. It was all for him, too. I got myself a meat pie and a coke, costing ten bucks for two people. Man, how does he like, afford to be his size??? I got a hard on thinking about him pigging out. I know what you’re thinking right. You’re probably like, WTF Killian! — you’re digging a fat guy? Well… yeah. Dunno why though. Fat, gluttony, and laziness are like, key libido boosters for me. I just want nothing more than a big hunky man to hug and embrace.

Anyways, it’s still lunchtime and me and Iluka have made our way to the footy ground. I won’t bore you with the details, but to break it down I end up kicking a goal and Iluka does too. The team cheers wildly every time. Eventually the school bell rings, and our side lost the match. The girls cheer on the sidelines as we walk back to our classes. Monifa and Anahera make a beeline to me and Iluka… oh god.

‘Nice kick,’ says Anahera.

‘Oh, thanks Anahera…’ I begin, ‘I knew Vihaan wasn’t expecting me to…’

‘Sorry Killian, I was talking about Iluka’s goal. Nice kick Iluka. You were a real star out there!’ Anahera continues.

She totally has a crush on Iluka. I know right, it’s like total matchmaking. She wants him, and he wants her boobs.

‘Well, I thought you rocked the field today, Killian,’ says Monifa, staring deeply into my eyes. Oh god oh god.

‘You really think I was a star? But we lost though!’ Iluka asks.

He’s just fishing for complements.

‘Oh definitely,’ Anahera confirms, ‘You were bound to win the game if the bell didn’t ring for another minute.’

‘You know what I think,’ says Monifa, with her face staring directly at me. ‘You guys should totally take us out for pizza and tell us about your great strategy’

What a bullshit segue. Not even subtle.

‘Yeah, that’s a great idea Mon,’ Anahera agrees, before anybody else can get a word in. They totally planned this thing.

‘Hey yeah, let’s do that!’ starts Iluka, ‘How ‘bout this Friday at La Pochette’s? What do you think Killian?’

Oh god no, a double date? With a girl?

‘Umm,’ I start ‘I think I’m too loaded with homewo…’

Iluka elbows me in my chest.

‘Ahh yeah, Killian thinks it’s a great idea’ Iluka butts in.

‘Do you Killian?’ says Mon staring deeply into my eyes again.

I look at Iluka and he’s flexing his neck muscles at me.

‘Yeah of course Mon. Let’s do it.’ I say.

‘It’s a date then!’ says Anahera, ‘Catch you boys later, we’re late for class!’

They run off with big smiles on their faces. Fucking hell. Iluka has a big goofy grin too, as if he thinks he’s getting a root on Friday.

Skipping forward. When Cass and I get home from school, I head straight for the fridge. Mum’s made some hedgehog, so I help myself to a few pieces. Then I pour me some orange juice and take a few biscuits from the bikkie jar. Afterwards I have a yogurt from the fridge. This is like some routine for me. I always come home and pig out like I’m starving… I am starving. Cass joins me in the kitchen.

‘Hey’

‘Oh god Cass, you wouldn’t guess what I have to do this Friday,’ I begin.

‘What?’

‘Go on a date with Monifa Koffi.’

‘Who!’

‘I know, right?’

‘How?’

‘Well Mon and Anahera walk up to me and Iluka right, and they’re like “We should totally get pizza” then Iluka is like “Yeah Killian thinks it’s a great idea let’s do it!” and I’m like… “Oh fuck”.’

‘Why?’

I raise an eyebrow and glare at her.

‘Why did you say it was a great idea?’

‘I didn’t! I tried to get out of it, but Iluka has the hots for Anahera, so now we’re on a double date.’

‘Ha! You are so screwed Killian, if you don’t hit off with Monifa Koffi, people are gonna wonder why,’ Cass goes, ‘you’d better have a good reason for not dating her… or the whole school’s gonna know you’re gay! Hahaha! This is so damn funny!’

‘Fuck　off, no it’s not.’

‘It really is! So, like, what movie are you seeing?’

‘Movie? We’re not going to the movies; we’re going for pizza.’

‘Aye? Oh look, it’s not SO bad then, is it?’

‘Well,’

‘Because you don’t need to hold hands, or share popcorn, or kiss. You just need to eat and talk.’

‘True. Just talking. Well, flirting more likely.’

‘You could reject her flirts. Actually, you just need to be rude to her and she’ll get the message…’

‘True! You’re the best Cass.’

‘I know.’

Cass is always good to talk to when I’m in trouble.

So, I’m doing homework when Mum and Dad get home from work. I’ve got like a ton to get done too. Mum starts her nightly sit-ups and yells out to us.

‘Killian, Cassidy, time for sit-ups!’

‘Coming,’ responds Cassidy.

‘Sorry! Too much homework.’

‘Come on Killian, it won’t even cost you 10 minutes, come out with us!’

‘No Mum, I’m not it the mood.’

After finally finishing my homework, I like, for the first time, CBF running. Instead, I just lay on my bed and check out Men’s Health. After a bit I’m all hard and can’t stand it any longer. Fuck I need a rub! So, I head off to the bathroom and do my business.