chapter 3 — the man

So here I am back at school again, and all day I have Iluka in my ear. He’s totally doing one-way convos all day. It goes something like this:

‘Think Anahera likes Mike Posner? Aww, she’s probably more into GaGa being a girl n’ shit. Geeze I gotta Google Gaga so I can talk about her… Or is that like, too gay?’
…
‘Man, I want her boobs! What bra do you reckon she has? They’ve got to be a D, yeah? Is that how the bras work? A = Small, B = Medium, C = Large and D = Extra-large?’
…
‘Don’t forget to exaggerate too, so they get really flattered. Mum loves it when Dad says stuff like “you don’t look a day older than 30,” which is like, 15 years younger than she is.’
…
‘Dad says to get a girl you’ve gotta flatter their features, like their hair or nails n’ shit. I know, I’ll totally be upfront about her tits.’
…
‘I think I’m gonna borrow my brother’s car and pick her up from her house. I heard girls love a man who’s independent and can drive, you know? Yeah, I know I can’t get my license till I’m 18, but as if I’m gonna get caught driving ONE night?’
…
‘Hey, can I like, sit next to Anahera in the restaurant? I’m thinking of like, putting my arm around her neck. That way I can like, rest my hand on her breast.’
…
‘Woah man, I just realised, we gotta buy some condoms! Don’t want her to get preggas when I fuck　her. You know there’s these ones with bumps and shit to make her feel better.’

I swear, he’s fucking obsessed. In our maths class with Miss Haddad right, Anahera and Monifa are sitting two tables ahead of us. Iluka is like, being a massive pervert and staring at Anahera.

‘Fuck they’re huge tits,’ he whispers to me.

‘and the polynomial… What did you say Mr. Lynch?’ says Miss Haddad.

Oh shit.

‘Who me?’ I respond, ‘I didn’t say anything Miss!’

‘How dare you, Killian Lynch? I am no fool, and if you want to take your Maths class seriously, then I suggest you keep your vulgar opinions of my breasts to yourself!’

Iluka is giving me this look of disbelief and humour, like he can’t believe that the teacher was next to us when he said it, and that the teacher thought it was me.

When the lunch bell goes and we all start to leave the classroom, Miss Haddad has me stay back after class (gee, I wonder why?). She like, totally lectures me on how women are human beings, not sexual objects, and that my actions were totally inappropriate, and some shit about society has evolved beyond primitive male chauvinists.

When she finally releases me from her feminist revolution speech, Iluka is like, hovering outside the door waiting for me.

‘Whoa man! I can’t believe you think Miss Haddad has huge tits!’ he jeers.

‘Fuck　off Iluka, I can’t believe she thinks I said it. She like, gave me this huge speech about how being a male doesn’t mean I can talk to women like they’re objects.’

‘Yeah whatever. Anyways, did you hear what I said in class? Anahera’s tits are massive!’ he goes.

Anyways, after eating lunch we head over to the footy field. I notice Mon and Anahera on the sidelines eyeing us off. Nope, not again, not today. I just CBF having Mon and Anahera pounce on me and Iluka after the match and make more detailed plans for Friday.

‘Hey look, my legs are a bit sore… I’m gonna pass on footy today.’ I lie.

‘Yeah, no worries. You gonna watch the game?’ says Iluka.

‘Nah not today. See you next class.’

I decide to get some hot chips from the canteen. With hot chips, you can’t go past tomato sauce and vinegar. I just love the way the vinegar drowns the chips and makes them soggy, and the beautiful tang covered with sweet tomato sauce. So. I’m like, looking for a place to sit ‘n eat, when I see Hans at a table eating away by himself. I go and sit across from him. There are food wrappers from a meat pie and sausage roll, and now he’s eating a hot dog. Hot!

‘Hey Hans, what’s up?’

He swallows his bite.

‘Hey Killian.’

Hans’s got a bit of credit, ‘cause he hangs with the two hottest girls in the school (Mon and Anahera). But I actually don’t know anything about Hans… I usually hang with all the sports jocks.

‘So, what are you doing here all alone? Don’t you usually hang with Mon and Anahera?’

‘Yeah man, but they’re at the field watching football.’

‘You don’t like football?’ I ask.

‘I don’t like sports. Full stop.’

‘Fair enough.’

We keep eating in silence. Man, he’s beautiful. He’s got this masculine face, dark hair, and clear blue eyes. His eyes contrast so perfectly with his rich European tan. I notice the way his round belly sits on about a quarter of his lap. Hans has this really wide frame too, so he’s got that big, strong appearance.

He finishes his hotdog pretty quickly, so I take the opportunity to feed him.

‘Here have some chips,’ I offer.

‘Nah thanks.’

‘You sure? They’re covered with vinegar and sauce…’

‘Really? Well in that case I’d better have a few…’

I’m like, totally horny here!

‘Oh yum. You know vinegar and sauce is the only way to have chips,’ Hans goes.

‘Couldn’t agree more. Soggy chips are the best.’

‘Right?!’ he smiles.

Man, he’s got a gorgeous smile.

‘So, are you looking forward to your date with Mon?’ Hans asks.

Fuck. What do I say?

‘Umm… yeah of course. Like totally! She’s so hot, right?!’

Hans furrows his eyebrows with suspicion and stares at me.

‘Yeah, she’s totally hot… Hey look at Martina over there. What’s her best feature?’

‘Her boobs. Definitely her boobs!’ I erupt.

‘Hmm, that’s funny, Martina has very ordinary breasts,’ he remarks.

‘Oh, um, yeah. That’s how I like them… err, nice and… normal looking.’

Fuck. Fucken… fuck. He’s sussing me out. He stares at me for a few seconds.

‘Well,’ Hans says, ‘Anahera is just infatuated with Iluka, and Mon is really keen on getting with you Killian. They’re not really watching football; they’re just watching you two. And I hate sports, so I’m just taking a break from them.’

‘Oh yeah. Look, if you’re pissed with me and Iluka for stealing your girlfriends… I’m really sorry mate, we didn’t mean it.’

‘That’s NOT what I’m saying, Killian,’ his voice sounds like, really concerned, ‘Mon thinks your fucking hot. She wants to fuck with you.’

‘Are you kidding me???’ I shuddered reflexively. Shit. ‘I mean, that’s great, ‘cause I want that too.’ I retort quickly.

I’m trying to sound really convincing, but I don’t think Hans’s buying it.

‘Really? Well in that case…’ Hans relaxes his eyebrows, raising them slightly, knowingly. ‘Don’t talk with food in your mouth, she thinks it’s gross. And don’t talk about poetry, it bores her. Make sure you don’t spray too much cologne on, she hates overpowering smells. Don’t go forgetting her name, and make sure you give her your undivided attention. These simple things will guarantee that Mon will still be interested in you.’

Wait a sec’. Is Hans telling me how to GET with Mon, or how to get RID of her? The bell rings.

‘Good luck this Friday. I’m sure you’ll get what you really want, Killian,’ Hans smiles.