chapter 2

“Yo Aidan,” I called. It was the next morning, before homeroom. He stiffened up straight as I said his name. Maybe I had been wrong about that head nod. Maybe I was bothering him.

No.

I had to consider the possibility that maybe I was just being too self-conscious. I had to be confident or things would never go my way in the romance department. Though it wasn’t easy to feign confidence when talking to Aidan because he made my knees weak and my palms extra sweaty. I could feel my tongue turning into mush whenever I tried to speak. Just being around him got me flustered. I had goosebumps for crying out loud.

It was hard to believe someone so small could make me want to run and hide. He was maybe 5’7” on a good day and 150 pounds soaking wet, and something about that was really turning me on. Just standing so close to him, my shadow slightly eclipsed him. From an outside perspective I probably looked like the Big Bad Wolf about to chow down on Little Red.

“Are you not able to talk?” I asked, hoping this wasn’t some sort of faux pas. He shook his head yes. That meant he knew sign language, right? I could learn. I would learn!

“Okay, that’s fine. Yes or no questions for now,” I said, making sure to sound encouraging. “Do you want to sit with me and the team at lunch today?” His eyes widened—in fear? I thought he’d be excited. He closed his locker and hurried off to homeroom. He looked back at me over his shoulder, like he wanted to make sure I wasn’t chasing him or something. Was I coming on too strong?

I went to sit with him again at lunch, but he didn't show. It made me so irrationally angry. It wasn’t that I was upset with him, but with myself. All I could think about was how I could just make Aidan do what I wanted; I was bigger than him. What could he do to stop me? I could walk up to him and say, “Aidan, you’re my boyfriend now, got it?” I hated thinking like that. It was creepy as fuck. What if he wasn’t even gay?

What. If. He. Wasn’t. Even. Gay.

I’d been working under an assumption. I could be barking up the wrong tree coming off as a total basket case. Getting confirmation of that should’ve been step one. I made up my mind that the next chance I got, I’d ask him.

“Can I ask you something?” He nodded yes tentatively. The class after lunch had just ended, and we were on our way to our next period. I was definitely thirsty, trying to form any sort of connection I could with Aidan so that maybe I could win him over.

Suddenly I realized that I didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t just ask him if he was gay. I was really new to the whole dating thing. I didn’t know how other gay people could find partners. What if he preferred to be discreet? What if he wasn’t out yet? We were in the middle of the hallway surrounded by other people. I had jumped the gun and now I was awkwardly walking next to him taking far too long to ask him my question. My mouth turned to mush again, and I started sweating. Fuck, I didn’t have a Plan B.

“Are you gay?” I blurted out in what I hoped was a whisper, trying to keep this conversation as private as I could in the crowded hallway.

He looked over at me seriously, like he was trying to see what I was thinking. My mom would say he was reading my aura. I grossed him out. I just knew I did. He wasn’t nodding or anything. This huge fat guy was coming on to him, so I guess this reaction was to be expected. He did a complete 180, running through the jam-packed corridor away from me and in the opposite direction of our next class. Fuck. I couldn't catch up to him. I could if I just knocked everyone over, like on the football field, but that would get me in trouble. Besides, that was just an idiotic plan overall. I guess that was my answer.

He didn't show up the next day, and when he did resurface, it was Friday. I saw him in homeroom, and he was obviously trying to avoid me. He wouldn’t even look in my direction. I didn't even get a head nod when I asked if he had been sick.

At lunch I found myself compelled to seek him out again. I needed him to know I wasn’t going to be weird and gay anymore. I had to put an end to this awkwardness, let him know we could still be friends, and move on with my loveless existence. I saw he had bought some fries and a soda. He was leaving the cafeteria, so I followed him. I called his name and he bolted, but I was ready for him. I caught up just in time and grabbed his arm. He dropped his soda, spilling its lemon-lime goodness on the linoleum; his fries were scattered across the hallway tiles. “Shit, I—I’ll get you some more fries,” I said as he tried yanking his arm free. I pulled him into the nearest bathroom so we could talk, but I had to grab awfully hard so I could pull him in.

I could see his eyes getting all watery and I was confused. This wasn’t something to cry over. I was the one getting his heart broken, not him. I saw his forearm was bruised and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t think I grabbed him that hard, but I must’ve. I wasn’t thinking. I was just a giant, marinara-stained, homosexual monster. “I—I just wanted to talk to you,” I said like a fucking dumb puppy or some shit. He was holding his arm into his body as he sat on the floor, tears finally falling over onto his cheeks. “Please, stop crying.”

“Ah,” he whimpered as he exhaled slowly.

“Please Aidan, I’m sorry.” He had been panicking. I had this guy in a panic. “I didn't mean to. Let me help you up.” I went to grab his hand to help him off the floor. He crawled towards the door and I grabbed his leg and dragged him back in. I should have just let him go. I didn't know what I was thinking. He started thrashing his legs around and I pinned them down, along with his arms. “I just wanted to talk to you,” I reiterated like it mattered in the current state of things. Taking a moment to assess the situation, I realized it looked like I was about to do something awful to him.

“Pl—please don't beat me up,” he sobbed, pleaded really. It wasn't like he was calling for help. He just really wanted me to let him go.

Wait, had he just talked? I was so shocked that I released him from my grasp. He thought I was going to beat him up? He scurried over to the exit and ran out of the bathroom. I wanted to follow him, but I remained on the other side of the door.

He didn’t show up for the rest of our classes. I freaked him out so bad I had my doubts he’d ever come to school again.