chapter 4

I couldn’t talk to him. He’d just run away, and I definitely was not going to try and grab him again. Touching was off limits, because if I hurt him again—no. That was not going to happen. I walked into my room and sat gently on the bed. I remembered in eighth grade when I first needed a new one, and then last year when we had to upgrade it again. There was nothing more mortifying than explaining to my parents that it just broke. I had just been laying down and the wood snapped. This new king-sized bed frame was made from metal, but I was still overly cautious when I sat on it. With all the stuff on my mind, I didn’t remember dozing off, but I slept for like ten hours, only getting out of bed because my stomach forced me to.

I spent the rest of the weekend thinking about Aidan and how we were starting swimming in Phys Ed. Now I had two things to make me anxious. Anyone could guess I wasn’t going to be participating. I hated taking my clothes off in public. Always had. I’d been the big t-shirt kid for all of middle school, and a big t-shirt could no longer do anything to disguise how colossal I was.

On Monday, Aidan still avoided me as much as possible. I was trying to build up the nerve to talk to him again, but shockingly, he spoke to me after AP Bio, the class right before lunch. “Can—can I talk to you?” I had to look around to make sure he was talking to me.

“Of course,” I said, still in disbelief. We walked in the opposite direction of the cafeteria. It was a section of the school that didn’t have a lot of foot traffic, especially during lunch periods. We found a single-occupant bathroom and went inside. He didn’t say anything for what felt like too long of a time to be standing together in a tiny bathroom. This might have been very spacious if I was a regular sized man, but my gut was just inches from him, and my back was as close against a wall as my butt would allow. “So, what did you want to talk about?” I asked, feeling like I was going to barf. If he was about to tell me off or insult me, I’d let him. I deserved it.

“Why did you ask me if I was gay?” he asked, holding my gaze even though I knew it must have been really hard for him. “Do you have friends at Jefferson?” That was our rival school in the suburb adjacent to this one. So he was from a school in the area.

“Fuck Jefferson,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. He was still staring daggers at me, so I assumed my joke had not landed. “I asked if you were gay because I thought you were cute. I was just hoping you were gay like me. And I know that it’s ridiculous that I would even think you’d be interested in a guy like me even if you are gay, because, well, look at me.”

“Please stop.” He finally looked away from me. “Just stop it. I don’t know who put you up to this, but I don’t like it. I won’t look at you or talk to you, so you can just fuck with somebody else. I just want to graduate and get out of here.”

“Nobody has put me up to anything. Who would do that?” I asked seriously. I was really trying to be as honest as possible. I had no reason to pull a practical joke on him.

“You’re not gay,” he said definitively. He moved closer to the door, not realizing that he wouldn’t be able to open it with me in the way. “I’m not going to let you play a trick on me. I know you and your friends thought it was hilarious to fuck with me the other night.”

“I’m not fucking with you, Aidan,” I said, trying to think of how I could explain things to him. “I didn't want them to mess with you. I—I tried to stop them.”

“Yeah right,” he said, trying to reach for the door handle. “You were going to beat me up last week.”

“No—no, I wasn't.” I didn’t know how to get out of this. The evidence was stacked against me, and even though this was all a misunderstanding, it didn’t seem like he wanted to hear it.

Aidan was trembling so bad it made me feel like a monster. I reached out my arm; I was going to try and give him a comforting pat on the shoulder, but he looked at my arm coming towards him with a panicked expression. I dropped my arm to my side.

“Are you going to let me out of here?” he asked uneasily. “I won’t mention we were in here to anybody. I swear.”

“I’m not holding you captive,” I said. “But please believe me when I say I’m not joking. I am gay. Ask anybody.” He looked at me again, trying to discern if I was being honest. I shifted my eyes even though I wasn’t lying. I just felt so bad about the whole situation. “Seriously.”

“How did you know I was gay?” he asked, his arms straight against his sides. He pulled at the sleeves of his long sleeve. It was really fucking cute, but then I remembered he thought I was about to kill him or something.

“I was just hoping, I guess,” I said, only telling a half-truth. “And, well, you move differently than most guys. And you smell like, a little girly—not that there’s anything wrong with that!” In truth he just didn’t smell like most of the guys I hung around with. The locker room always smelled like sweat and Axe body spray. He smelled like coconuts and other tropical fruits. It was really nice.

“If you just want sex or something, we can do that,” he said, looking down again. “It’s fine if you want to experiment with me. Just—just promise to ignore me. Act like I’m invisible. I won’t tell anyone about what we do together, so you don’t have to worry about anyone finding out.”

“I wouldn’t just use you like that,” I said. “I was hoping you might want to go on a date or something.”

“Why?” he asked, perplexed.

“I like you and I want to get to know you.” He stood silent, like he was running a polygraph on what I’d just said. I couldn’t let this go on any longer. It was now or never.

I filled the small amount of space that still remained between us. My gut pushed into him slightly, but I didn’t let that stop me. I couldn’t let it stop me. I had to make sure he knew I was for real. I leaned down so that my face was right in front of his. I kissed him, and he didn’t pull away. Our lips parted and met again and again, and then I felt his tongue in my mouth. His hands were on my stomach and it felt good. I could feel his palms and his warm fingers pressing gently into my middle. I wanted him to touch me all over. I could stay kissing him in this tiny bathroom for the rest of my life.

“I—I believe you,” he said looking at me, and for the first time ever, it felt like he wasn’t afraid of me. “You seem like a nice guy.”

“Does this mean you’ll go out with me?”

“Yeah, sure,” he replied. “I’d, uh, really like that.”

“When?” I asked excitedly. I knew I sounded thirsty, but this was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He laughed softly.

“Whenever you’re free.”

“How’s Saturday for you?”

“Fine with me,” he said, looking down, but smiling. One day he’d feel comfortable enough to smile directly at me. I couldn’t wait for that day. “But I work at the arcade until three.”

“Okay, cool, I'll pick you up. What's your address? Wait, text it to me. Oh man, now we can start texting each other.” He laughed again, handing me his cellphone so I could give him my number. I held his tiny phone in my hands, slightly embarrassed that I was having such a hard time putting in the digits. My thick fingers were hitting multiple numbers at the same time. I finally got everything in order and handed his phone back to him. My phone chimed and I looked down at the message that I just received: Hey, It’s Aidan Ashford.

It was so formal, like I knew a million Aidan’s and needed to make sure to differentiate between him and all the others. My phone chimed again, and this time it was his address. “Is seven good for you?” I asked aloud.

“Yes,” he said, still smiling. This was nice. He usually had the same blank expression on his face, well, that or terror. I much preferred his smile.

“Uh, can you stand behind me,” I said, my face getting hot. “It’s the only way I can open the door with the both of us in here. I’m sorry.” He nodded and shimmied by me. Feeling him rub against my body was enough to have me fully erect. I hated feeling like a horndog, but I couldn’t control how he made me feel. I’d gladly replace in my memory the previous bathroom encounter with this one.

We spent the rest of the week texting. He still didn’t talk much during classes, and he continued to avoid the lunchroom, but I didn’t want to push him out of his comfort zone too quickly. I was just glad we were getting closer. I spent the entire week in an amazing mood. At practice my mind was clear, and we won our game on Friday night. That did nothing but good things for my confidence on Saturday night.