chapter 7

The morning after my first date with Aidan I remembered I needed some swimming trunks. It was Sunday, which meant I still had time to mentally prepare for my public humiliation. I promised Aidan I’d get in the pool, so I was going to get in the pool. I rummaged through my dresser drawers looking for my swimming trunks. I found them. I had bought them last year when this time of year came around, but I never wore them.

I pulled them up over my thighs and felt my neck go hot. My ass was too big. I couldn't fit into these stupid swim trunks. I pulled harder and they ripped. I couldn't believe it; I thought they were huge. I looked in the mirror and there it was, my big brown backside hanging out of some too little pineapple print swim shorts.

I felt slightly excited about this, but that was wrong. I shouldn’t have liked being fat. I felt my gut in my hands, the heft of it was stimulating. I flexed my arms and turned to the side. It really did stick out a lot. Was it wrong to like the way that I looked when I wasn’t what was considered normal? It felt good to be powerful, sure, but was I getting bigger? I couldn’t be, although I ate a bit more, but that shouldn't have made me this much bigger.

I went to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. I didn’t even have a regular scale because I had to get one that went above 300 pounds. I had weighed 374 pounds three months ago at the start of the football season. I couldn't have gone up more than five pounds.

I couldn't see the fucking number.

I couldn't get in the pool now. I couldn't—but that would let Aidan down, and that was something I couldn't do. I managed to maneuver my bulk so I could see the number. I weighed 402 pounds. 402 pounds.

I went back into my room and sat on the bed. The swim trunks ripped even more. I was suddenly very aware of how big I was. I was massive—gigantic—enormous. Whatever you wanted to call it. I had never worried much about my weight. I’d always been a really big guy, and yeah, I kind of hated it, but I hadn’t ever needed to worry about how fat I was. I was just fat. But now, Aidan wasn’t going to want to stay with me. Why would he?

Even though I knew things between Aidan and I would end as soon as he saw me in swim trunks, I made a promise to him and I had to keep it. I got dressed, hopped in my truck, and headed to the mall. Even my truck seemed too small. I went into a store for bigger guys and looked at the swimsuits. I picked up a pair of blue and red trunks. They were two sizes bigger than the other pair. I went to try them on.

They fit. I was kind of in shock that a pair of trunks that were two sizes bigger than the ones I’d just bought last year fit so perfectly, but there was nothing I could do about it now. I was glad I didn’t have to try on anything else, because having a mirror show off my body at every angle didn’t help with my self-esteem. Fuck, my ass was really ridiculous. My thighs were probably double the size of Aidan’s waist. No wonder I only ever wore sweatpants. I had a lot of muscle under my meaty chest and large powerful arms, but they were still covered in a layer of fat. I took in my belly again. It was so round. I hated it. I hated that I kind of liked it. I bought the suit and made my way home.

I had never been so anxious to go to school before. I knew this probably paled in comparison to how Aidan felt about going to school after what happened to him, but I was still terrified. We’d barely started getting to know one another and now it was all going to be over.

“Hey Oakley,” Aidan said. “Good morning.” He seemed to be in a good mood. We were in homeroom, which was first period. Phys Ed would be the last period of the day. I wasn’t planning on eating lunch.

“Hey.” He looked at me, like he saw something.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.”

“Oh, okay,” he replied. I could tell he wasn’t buying that I was okay, but he wasn’t the pushy type. He probably thought I just needed time to open up about whatever was eating at me.

“I’m fine. Really, I am.”

“Well, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“If there was something wrong, I would,” I said. “I promise.”

I was definitely uncharacteristically silent the rest of the day. I just wanted to savor the rest of the time Aidan and I had together before he ended things. I skipped out on lunch, spending the period in the library. I had a slight headache when it was time to swim.

I was one of the last people to get changed, and when the locker room was nearly empty, I got dressed as quickly as possible. I felt like everyone was just waiting to make fun of me. I was the biggest guy in the class, and not by like twenty pounds. I probably weighed the most by over a hundred. I absolutely hated it. Aidan would see me. He’d know what I looked like. But, I mean, I guess everyone already knew what I looked like. I was basically a walking brick wall.

I walked out of the locker room and into the pool area. Aidan was near a corner. I was afraid to go meet him. I started walking over to him, and I noticed nobody else was looking at me. I smiled a bit, mostly to myself. He met me halfway.

He was gorgeous. He had abs. Abs. He was so little. I wanted nothing more than to grab him by the waist and pull him into my body. I wanted to feel his arms trying to wrap around me. I was afraid I’d get an erection. “You look good,” he said. He wasn’t looking at me and his face was flushed. He probably felt embarrassed for me. I wondered if he’d end things in person or through text message.

“You do too,” I said honestly.

“Thanks for doing this.”

“I’m happy to.” He smiled. Coach yelled for everyone to get into the water. God, it was freezing. I could feel my nipples getting hard. Aidan stuck close by me, especially when they started playing a dunking game. I was surprised Coach didn’t try and stop it. We just floated off to the side and I made sure nobody came near us. Before long, it was over. I had survived it, and nobody cared. I was sure they thought I was fat, but they didn’t say anything. Aidan was safe and I made sure of it. It felt good to protect him.

“Do you want to come over tonight and study?” Aidan asked after we were dressed. His hair was slightly wet in some areas. He had put it up, and he never went underwater, but it still managed to get a little damp.

“Sure,” I replied, surprised he wasn’t breaking up with me.

“What time is practice over?”

“I'll skip.” I didn't feel much like practicing. I was starving. Skipping lunch completely drained me. “But can we get something to eat?”

“My treat!” he exclaimed.