I can totally relate. It's like I have two different brains; one that wants to hit the gym and look like an underwear model and one that wants to chug melted butter with a funnel. Some days I look at my big fat gut with shame and disgust, other days I look at it with shame and disgust that it isn't twice the size!
I think it comes down to wanting to embrace societies body ideals or your own. Both are valid, and no one can tell you which will make you happier except yourself.
I struggle with this quite a bit. Being a gay man also adds a layer of frustration because the only requisite to having sex is basically how in shape you are. There's this app called grindr which is specifically made for gay guys to hook up for casual sex. It shows you pictures of other men who are also using the app, sorted by their distance to you. You never know when your neighbor might just happen to look like a fitness model and is looking for a suitable piece of ass.
All I'm saying is, looking at that stuff can really do a number on your self esteem. Doesnt even matter how much you enjoy being fat really.
Haha there actually is one called grommr. The point isnt so much that I couldn't find feeders, but just that its hard not to crave traditional sex when you're surrounded by it. Even though I like fat, when I'm around skinny guys it just makes me feel bad about myself.
As one suggestion, if you have the opportunity try writing some feeding scenes, with different variants on what is going on, feeder, etc. Be brave in taking chances in writing, go places you think aren't you, and generally explore your reaction to various corners of those.
Once you understand what this means to you in more detail, you'll be in more control and it may not seem so hard.