Fat experiences

I decided to put my plans for further weight gain on hold a while ago after looking at the prices of new pants (someday I still want to get really fat, but not until I am financially stable enough to buy a new wardrobe), and I expected that the weight would come off quickly when I stopped trying to gain, like it has in the past. I was ambivalent about that possibility - on one hand, I really liked my new higher weight, but on the other hand, if I lost a significant amount of weight it would give me the opportunity to do some more gaining again without outgrowing all my clothes.

Much to my shock, though, the weight mostly stayed, even over months! Out of curiosity, I decided to see if I even could lose it, and went on an informal diet - still eating if I felt hungry, so not a super restrictive diet, but trying to minimize how much I eat. The weight has still, for the most part, stayed, and this experience has been nearly as exciting and hot as the actual gaining was! I think it would take months of actual serious effort to drop an amount of weight I used to lose accidentally within weeks, and it might even be hard not to gain it back again. I always wished I could break my metabolism, but I never truly believed it was possible until recently. It’s like a dream come true. The out of control feeling is something I've wanted for so long and it’s just as wonderful as I’d hoped it would be.

I think my new plan is to stay with the casual diet until either it’s not fun any more or I lose enough weight that I have room to gain again without outgrowing all my clothes. Then, when I have more money, I’ll go for the bigger gains.

Congrats all the same. It’s when you aren’t trying it happens usually

I’ve heard of this happening to people, and I do kind of wish it would happen, although it doesn’t seem to be happening. I thought about intentionally trying to trigger that outcome with a crash diet rather than a gentle one, since they’re infamous for causing further gain instead of weight loss, but with my history of disordered eating I decided heavy restriction was too likely to backfire in the other, not sexy direction.

Of course, if it did happen that I couldn’t stop gaining even on a diet, the problem is I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it for long because I think I’d get so excited (and so resigned to having to buy new pants anyway) that I’d surely launch right back into actively gaining! I could live with that problem, though 😋

I decided to try tracking calories to see if the difference was my metabolism or my habits, and after putting in my calories for today, I can safely say it’s that I am eating more! Since I have always struggled with that, I’m very happy.

Today I was busy and didn’t feel like I was able to eat much. Still, without trying to eat, just eating when I felt hungry and stopping when I didn’t feel hungry anymore, I had around 1500 calories. I know that’s still a really small amount, especially by most people’s standards on here, but last year if I went a day without using appetite stimulants and/or actively trying hard all day to eat more, I’d only get about 500 calories on average, and that would be including a high calorie protein shake that I haven’t been drinking as often lately which accounted for the majority of the calories. Looking at today’s calorie amount, my first thought was “Wow, how did I survive this long eating so much less than this?” but not in a “I’d be hungry eating like I used to” way so much as in a “God, how did I not experience multiple organ failure from malnourishment???” way, and my second thought was “I guess I’m actually recovering from my eating disorder now.” It’s a big milestone for me.

Thinking about it, I think it might’ve actually been catching COVID that made the difference. Major caveat here before I continue: I don’t recommend catching COVID because first of all it can kill you and second of all despite this one unanticipated benefit it has been a net negative for me - it’s also severely worsened my symptoms of 3 separate chronic illnesses. Besides, even my silver lining probably wouldn’t be a positive thing for most people. That being said, I think it damaged my sense of taste, but in a good way because I’ve always been hypersensitive and that’s the core of my eating disorder. When trying to evaluate why I was able to eat so much more than I used to without effort, the major factor that eventually stuck out to me was that it’s actually been a long time since a basic, normal meal felt like eating a bowl of spicy-sour-bitter broken glass. That used to be a regular experience for me, and I’d have to stick to eating only very bland, sweet, or salty food, and usually only in small amounts... and those small meals would sometimes take hours of misery to get through. Lately, though, flavor hasn’t bothered me very much, and I have even enjoyed food with complex flavors a few times. My diet is still heavily restricted because I can’t handle many textures, but now I can eat a normal amount of the foods I can handle at a normal speed instead of having to stop or trudge through it because they get overwhelming. My somewhat recent successful gaining cycle that finally stuck was right after I recovered from being sick, too, so it fits the timeline.

So, I guess I definitely won’t lose this weight except for maybe very slowly, but as sad as it is that I won’t get to experience gaining it all back again, for my health it’s a very good thing! I’ll just have to be patient and save up for a bigger wardrobe.