All set for a boring evening watching TV at home. My stomach has been calling to me for days for a stuffing so at 9pm I prepared 3 pork chops and 3 portions of spaghetti and ate them over the next 40 minutes. Feeling very full, but not yet seriously stuffed, I drank 3 cans of guinness (about 2L in total) during the next hour or so. At this point I was feeling and looking very bloated, so I sank back and watched the Spike Milligan story on TV. After about an hour of this I began to feel peckish again -- much to my surprise, and thought I'd challenge myself to eat the new packet of muesli sitting in the cupboard. It took me about 3/4 of an hour to polish that off, with a liter of milk and two big bananas. Now (1am) I am completely swollen; my whole belly feels quite hot to the touch, and -- swollen down to well below my belly button -- I can barely sit up comfortably, so have to loll back in my armchair or stand. My waist measurement standing is up by 6'' to 49'', and now the remaining four bananas are calling to me from the kitchen, and I am wondering whether I should go for them, as well as the extra inch or so that could well shred my knicker elastic.

It would be good to hear of other people's self-stuffings....

I wonder if anyone here shares this experience. I've been fat for a long time, and have celebrated my fatness for just as long. I was introduced to stuffing by a lover, and it was a wonderful revelation to me. Later I discovered ''liquid stuffing'' and started to bloat myself regularly (taking suitable precautions against hyponatremia -- water poisoning) -- usually with no more than a couple of litres of liquid. (If you've done it then you'll know how sensual a seriously bloated belly can feel, and how erotic it can feel to ingest large amounts of fluid. You might also understand how someone might begin to fantasise about increasing the amount of liquid that's ingested.)

So far so straightfoward. But later I found that I began to fantasise about drinking really huge amounts at once. I found myself staring at large (more than 4 litres) jugs of beer, milk, or water and imagining the effect that drinking them would have on me. While this was just fantasy there was no ''problem'', but of late I have found myself /compulsively/ acting out what used to be my fantasy. At random times of the day I fill a vessel with water or milk or lucozade, and start to imagine how it will feel to drink it all down; AND THEN I FIND MYSELF drinking it all down. (Tonight, for example, I drank 4 litres of milk -- nearly a whole imnperial gallon in about fifteen minutes). It felt extraordinary; belly utterly swollen and gurgling; a kind of exquisite pain that doesn't feel ''dangerous'' at all. But I am quite worried that I will not be able to stop doing this, or that I might not be able to resist increasing the quantities I feel compelled to drink. Has anyone else experienced these compulsions?

Since I started enjoying my size and appetites I've never tried to conceal them. On the contrary! A few years ago my friend 'Etta and I went out for dinner at Brown's, ate dinner and dessert, and then shocked the waitress by ordering ''same again''. The Brown's staff are mostly skinny and (conventionally) fashionable and the thought of Etta and I doing dinner twice in an evening was evidently a bit of a challenge for our waitress. Some of the other diners were visibly quite curious, and we got a lot of looks of the kind anybody who's been gluttonous in public will know. But nobody was mean, and there was a friendly cheer from a table of student girls nearby when we finished the second ''lap''.

None, except when I walk upstairs and end up breathless or if I have to stand on the bus for more than a minute or two.

Jill