Apologies. I'm not myself in the mornings.

That is among the most confusing sentences I have ever read. It's almost a hilarious double entendre, but it doesn't quite get there because the innuendo is eclipsed by the gutless, apathetic intent.

The only way to avoid this from becoming a source of conflict, either for you internally or between you and your girlfriend, is to be open and honest, detailed and precise.

It's entirely understandable that she's opposed to gaining weight. She might remain so, as is her right. But she also might be more open to the idea once she fully understands your sexuality. In my experience, the fear of revealing yourself to someone in this way is unwarranted. If she's a decent person who cares for you, she'll at least be understanding and sensitive, at best open to working it into your lives in a way that she can accommodate. If, on the other hand, she's unsupportive or refuses to accept it, I'm afraid you will have to reconsider if she's the right person to be in a relationship with.

Being anything other than honest is going to tie you up in knots and risks creating tensions in your relationship that she hasn't the knowledge to understand.

I know it's difficult - I've been through it myself. In relationships we all make compromises and sacrifices - it's an essential part of looking after each other. Getting fat was a sacrifice my wife was prepared to make for me and I'm very grateful to her for it.

It's very well tolerated by most people, as it's merely a first gen antihistamine and seratonin reputake antagonist. The only adverse effect most will experience is drowsiness, which wears off after just a few days of use.

I think it says a lot. Would you like to have another bought for you? Yes? Meet you in The Devil’s Advocate by St. Giles' in an hour.

Mine too. Meet me for hair of the dog?

Did your dress attract attention? I bet it attracted more than mere attention. #gentlemenprefercurves

So what did you decide in the end? And how was your evening?

Smart thinking. Saved yourself the long wait in the pizza shop queue, where valuable calories and dignity would have been expended.

I have heard that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness.

And the beer munchies.

Go beer.

Agreed. Now go have a no-fear, kickass night out. Bet you'll look stunning.