Nitsec:
Hey all, I'll keep this short as I can...
Me and my girl have been together for about 3 years now. She has been fat her entire life, and struggled with her parents for years as they tried many ridiculous things and fad diets to make her lose weight (this was mostly when she was younger, like under 15). Her father in particular has probably scarred her in one way or another, he would make lots of backhanded comments and sometimes just very blunt comments on how she should lose, needs to lose, etc. Just giving her hell for it throughout her life (better nowadays). She was about 310 or 320 lbs when we met, and I think she hovers around 330 or 340 now.
She isn't into the lifestyle or fetish at all really... She is very confident in telling strangers to f*** off when people make comments about her size/weight in public (I've never been there for that, just heard stories), she is plenty confident in her ability to live her life and succeed in the various fields she's involved in...but she doesn't seem very confident in the bed room/with her body.
I have been interested in, well, fat people in a sexual way for a long time. So obviously I am into the basics, feederism, BDSM stuff concerning petplay and sub/dom, tight clothing, stuffing, etc. We do do some BDSM in the bedroom and I love that (she is my little kitten and I am her daddy), but sometimes I yearn for more. I don't mean that I want her to be into piggy fantasies or immobile fantasies or anything extreme, but she's just not confident in her body, I feel like. She knows I find her belly sexy, but it's not like she struts it around the house or anything. During sex I frequently touch her belly and other fat areas and squeeze/jiggle them, and sometimes lightly tease her about being fat (I'm not sure how much she is into this, I tease a lot in my intimacy just always have, and I've gotten half-hearted positive responses to no response at all). When I tell her that she is beautiful, things like that, she sometimes mentions things about how I'm not the norm. Never those exact words, but things that are along the lines of she still feels gross/disgusting to everyone else but me. Obviously I don't like hearing that, she IS beautiful, and I also want her to be confident and happy.
Basically I guess my too long, didn't read is: I'd love if she was into the sexual side of being fat (or at least confident in her body and my attraction to it), but I fear that since it's been such a big, traumatizing deal in the past with her parents and all that she will never be able to view it in a sexy light. Like her fat is associated too heavily with too many bad feelings/experiences.
Another part of me feels a bit selfish typing this out. Obviously I want her to get into this stuff, obviously for my benefit, but I feel like it's more than just that. I also want her to be happy and confident, and I feel like she could be happier with herself if she viewed her body in a more confident way.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? Especially women that come from the same background/situation where their fat was a constant cause of drama, of negative emotions, before they were adults?
All of this breaks my heart, as I had a similar experience to your girlfriend. I was actually never a fat kid but I was made to be paranoid about weight. My adoptive mother was a mentally abusive narcissist, so... nothing was ever right. I wasn't rail thin like her, I didn't have blonde hair & blue eyes like her... you get the idea.
Nobody, even you, will be able to tell her to embrace who she is and to be comfortable in her own skin. It can't be taught. She has to confront the underlying issue that she's still carrying the mental abuse, preferably with a competent therapist.
However, something a counselor won't tell you is something I discovered on my own, which is not fighting my love of food. Seriously. Spending time in spaces like this one has done wonders for me. I'm not numbing myself to food and cramming my face to kill pain, nor am I being obsessive about every little thing that goes in my mouth. I've found a happy balance with my own weight because of it. It's kind of like how they tell you to embrace/lean into a panic attack, rather than fighting It? Same concept. Hope that helps in some way. Best of luck to you both.
