chapter 6

We quickly got the usual banalities out of the way: he told me that he was from one of the islands - I forget which one now - and had come to Glasgow to study English Lit, deciding to stay in the city over the summer because there were more job opportunities and "more than five people on Tinder - and I'm not related to any of them" he joked. But gradually we got to actually talking. I spoke about my literary crushes on Angela Carter and Margaret Atwood. He told me about his love of Alasdair Grey and Edwin Morgan. We talked about how crazy and uncertain the world seemed now. We talked about Scottish vs British identity and how we voted in the referendum and somehow that segued into a matter of more pressing political importance: whether we wanted Jon Snow or Daenerys Targaryen to sit on the Iron Throne. He asked me what my family's motto would be if we were a Game of Thrones house and he threw his head back in a big goofy laugh when I said "Everything Tastes Better With Bacon."

And for a moment I didn't feel like the inconvenient fat friend or a stupid girl with an idiotic and embarrassing crush on a girl who would never want me the way I wanted her. For a moment I was just a girl talking to a boy and it was kind of... well, nice.

"I'm going to see a band tomorrow night and I was going to go with Ruaraidh but fuck it, he's not that into them and I think you might enjoy it," Stuart said. "Wolf Alice. You should check them out."

There was something in the eagerness in his eyes that made me feel a little awkward suddenly. "I don't know... I'm working late."

"That's no problem. I could come and pick you up after your shift. Think about it, anyway. I really think you'll like them."

There was that same over eagerness again and maybe it was my imagination, but I could have sworn he had moved closer to me in the already cramped booth.

When he got up to buy another round of drinks I excused myself to go to the bathroom and Alex followed me.

"Looks like you're having a good time," she said. Her eyes were bright and shiny and I realised that somehow she was much drunker than me.

"Yeah, I guess," I said noncommittally, pretending to be interested in fixing my make up in the mirror.

"I told you all it took was a little confidence," Alex said. She attempted to wink at me but it was more like an awkward slow motion blink and I wondered how she had ended up so wasted.

For a moment I lingered, unsure of whether I should wait for her or not but she waved me on. "Go on without me. I'm still debating whether I need to tactical whitey or not."

I shook my head as I left the bathroom. If nothing else had been gained from the evening then at least Alex Park had lost much of her mystique.

While Alex and I had been away Ruaraidh and moved around to sit next to Stuart. They couldn't see me coming from behind but I could hear them talking and I slowed my approach.

"Looks like you're having a whale of a time," Ruaraidh said.

My stomach clenched at the word but Stuart didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to that gig tomorrow night. You didn't want the ticket anyway, right?"

Ruaraidh uttered a nasty little laugh. "Oh man, you're just too nice."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know things have been pretty dry for you since Jennifer left and maybe fucking a fatty will get you out of your slump but take my advice: you can take a girl like that home and she'll be so grateful for the attention that she'll fuck you like a porn star and probably has so little self respect that she'll let you do things that you couldn't even dream of with a girl who actually looks after her body. But you don't take her out on a date. The last thing you want to do is get sucked into a relationship."

I could see Stuart's face turning red, right to the roots of his ginger hair. "You can be such a pig sometimes."

"I'm not the pig. Believe me, the minute a fat girl has you where she wants you, the pig will come out: she'll be greedy, demanding and slovenly. And she'll only get bigger once she's comfortable."

For a foolishly naive moment I thought that he might actually defend me but instead he uttered a hollow laugh. "Nah, mate. Like you said, I was just being nice. I'm really not into hogging."

"Suit yourself. They're all the same in the dark anyway."

I didn't want to care. I didn't want what they said to hurt. I didn't want him and he either didn't want me or was too embarrassed to admit it. But still I felt their words shattering through me.

I left the bar as fast as I could and just kept walking, giving little thought to the direction I was going or how I was going to get home. I don't know how far I had gone when I heard Alex's voice behind me.

I turned to see her behind me, panting and doubled over with her hands resting on her thighs. For a minute I thought she was going to be sick.

"Damn, you move pretty fast for a -"

"For a fat girl?" I demanded.

She giggled, a giddy drunken bubble of awkward laughter bursting from her mouth. "Well, yeah."

I turned to move away from her but she lurched forward to grab my arm and lost her footing and stumbled against me. She felt like nothing in my arms.

"Shit. I'm a mess. I guess you still think I'm an asshole."

"A little," I admitted.

"I deserve that," she nodded and looked up at the moon as if suddenly realising that night had fallen. "It's late. Where do you even live?"

"Maryhill."

&q uot;That's so far away."

It really wasn't that far.

"I live near Kelvingrove, you should come home with me."

Maybe I should have said no right then and everything would have turned out differently but my heart was weak with wanting so I said yes. Just like I would always say yes and yes and yes to anything she wanted.

The walk in the brisk night air seemed to sober Alex up, and aside from fumbling with her keys there was little sign of how drunk she had seemed back at the bar. When she snapped on the hall light my eye was immediately drawn to a table filled with pictures of Alex and her brother and sister as well as medals and trophies for everything from chess to volleyball, each sibling's achievements seemed to crowd out the other's and fight for attention.

Alex led the way to her room, which again resembled less a bedroom and more a shrine to her past achievements. It wasn't until we were actually in her bedroom that we were going to share a bed. I was in no way mentally or physically prepared to be in such close proximity to my crush. I could feel my heart begin to thud as I sat on the end of her bed and removed my shoes.

"You're not going to sleep like that, are you?" she asked.

"I don't have anything else," I said and we both knew the idea that any of her clothes would fit me would be laughable. Her waist was probably the width of one of my thick thighs and I her shirts would fit me like a bra.

"I'm sure I must have something," she said and began rummaging through her drawers.

Eventually she produced two very large and very faded t-shirts with the band name "The Grateful Dead" emblazoned on them. I could only wonder what skeezy ex-boyfriend they had once belonged to.

"They belonged to my dad. He used to call himself a Deadhead and follow this band everywhere," Alex said, seeming to read my mind. "i guess he was a little heavier in his pot smoking Dungeon Master days before my mum taught him the ways of the Type A personality. Anyway, they're really comfortable."

With all the ease that no doubt came from years of girl locker rooms she changed into the t-shirt right there in front of me. It absolutely drowned her, reaching down almost to her knees and drooping down at the neck to reveal her defined collar bones like a shapeless dress. Damn, how could she still look breathtakingly beautiful?

"Aren't you going to put it on?" she said expectantly.

"OK," I said. "But don't look."

I turned my back to her and quickly wriggled out of my clothes and into the t-shirt. Please God let it fit. It was tight, far too tight barely stretching over my lower belly roll and pressing down on my breasts but at least it fit.

When I turned around Alex was looking straight at me.

"Hey, I looked and I didn't turn to stone," she said with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

I could feel my cheeks colouring. It was mortifying enough to be stood before her in nothing but a t-shirt that barely fit and just my underwear with my big, wobbly thighs and cellulite dimpled ass on display without knowing that she had just seen my rolls of back fat, the drooping flab of my upper arms and my bulging, stretch mark striped love handles.

I quickly got under the sheets, eager to cover myself up but my whole body tensed when Alex slid in beside me. I lay there rigidly while inside my adrenaline went wild, all my senses felt as if they were on high alert, extra attune to her. Her every tiny movement sent prickles up my skin and she was so close that I could smell her. She smelled of smoke and sunshine, perfume and sweat and... girl.

"Wow, you're so soft," her voice was a breathy whisper, gentle as a caress against my skin as she nuzzled into my plush and pillowy arm.

And with that she fell asleep against me while my insides squirmed at the idea of what she would think if she knew the impure and unchaste thoughts that were running through my mind.