Female, fat, and forty

chapter 2

Ah, now that's a good margarita. Okay, where was I again? Oh yes, I was about to tell you how I became such a stereotypical mom.

Oh please, let's both face facts and acknowledge that not only do stereotypes exist but sometimes it's okay to use them? I mean honestly, are you surprised to hear that I drive a mini-van, hmm? And I'll tell you what, I'm not ashamed to admit that I do because it is a damn comfortable ride!

Anyway, yes, I've got the stereotypical mom life complete with my own lovely mom bod, as you can see.

It wasn't always this way though and I think my "origin story" begins even before I officially became a mother 12 years ago. Yeah, looking back now, it all started during our second year of marriage.

You know, that first year I actually stayed out of the trap that most newlyweds fall into? No post-wedding weight gain for me! I liked being thin and sexy then. I felt energized all the time. Our first year of marriage was full of sex, sex, and more sex! It was an exciting time for sure.

However, we both found that it wasn't sustainable and I will admit that the novelty started to wear down. It's not that we grew apart, but rather that other things like work dragged us both down. Before long we were spending our evenings exhausted on the couch, watching season 7 of some inane television show. We were still very much in love, but things were changing.

That was about the time that I started to notice myself slipping a little bit.

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Yeah, I'll call it slipping because back then I had a fairly conventional mindset and expectations regarding my body. At that time I felt that things needed to be a certain way. It wasn't okay for me to have ice cream after a large dinner. I couldn't drink more than two beers in a sitting. I understood that other people did those things and were fine, but I couldn't help but think that indulging in the same way would create problems for me. Looking back, I had all kinds of worries about what would happen if I "let myself go": husband would leave me, co-workers would tease me, friends would gossip about me, and so on. It felt really shitty to be so preoccupied with the thoughts of others.

The ironic thing was that those feelings of insecurity kept me inside the house, sitting on my butt, and seeking comfort in food. So for all my fear about letting myself go, I piled on a good 20 pounds over the course of year just after I turned 23.

Oh the shame was so intense. I remember spending hours of looking into the mirror, turning from side to side and watching with disgust as my little belly jutted out and jiggled ever so slightly with each small pat I gave it. I hated what was happening to me and I hated that I felt so powerless to stop it. I was stuck in a cycle of self-loathing, maintained by what I can only assume was a bout of depression.

***

Well I appreciate your sympathy, but these are the kind of events that build character, don't you think? We need these experiences because they help us learn about who were are who we might become. I was just one of thousands of young women struggling with my identity at that time. Oh, and do you think all my fears came true? Do you think my husband left me or that my friends shunned me? Of course not! Maybe the worst thing that happened was that my grandfather made the unintentionally hurtful comment of "Looks like somebody is eating well". Sure, I was pissed at the time and swore that I'd never give him the time of day again, but looking back I can appreciate the remark for what it really was: a playful comment from an old man that said all kinds of inappropriate things.

As I slowly came to realize that I could gain weight and my world wouldn't come crashing down, I started to shake off my malaise and felt more comfortable in my own skin. Strangely enough, that resulted in me losing most of the weight I had gained. So I was in some ways back to square one. Now, however, part of me understood that life was more about my reflection in the mirror. It was an important lesson because as I would soon find out, my body was about to change pretty drastically, several times over and life would never be the same.

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Hang on to that thought. Looks like our food is here, finally!