Chapter 6 - clodias letter

Dearest husband greetings! I have heard reliable news that you are safe, and pursuing a wonderfully efficient campaign against Roma's old foe Mithridates but our bed is so cold without you. I yearn for your return from Asia, safe and soon, and with some of the great fruits I have heard tell can be found there. I must tell you my beloved that I was so glad you returned to me before you took up your Proconsulship and went to war, and that we had the chance to make up. I don't know what got into me on the rostra that day but suffice it to say, I am well now. ANd content. Though I haven't seen you in four long years, I have had visits from your officers and one especially, young Julius Caesar was most polite. Sporting the Corona Civica and full of stories from the East, Caesar was most impressive and I must tell you, swept Geruss off her feet, which you should know is now no easy task with her weight approaching 500 libra. She informed me he was the most caring and thoughtful of lovers, knowing just how to make a fat girl happy and good with his tongue. I didn't see too much of him, though we did dine together a few times in private where he told me about Apricots and Cherries, which I need you to bring back to me. He was quite enthralled with my belly my love, and spent quite some time running his hands lightly across it, hefting it, slapping it gently and causing ripples that swept the wind right out of me! I hope he didn't notice of course but I came...
I now weigh more than twice what I did when you left dearest, but please don't be concerned. My needs are taken care of by our lovely staff and I am carried wherever I will by the Numidians or the Teutonnes or both. They really can't seem to get enough of me and maybe because we are together so much, they are starting to put on weight too! It must be a sight to see four fat Numidians, with bellies bobbing up and down carrying my litter across the Palatine...and I never screen it anymore! Pooh, it's too much work and besides I need the air. The people of Rome flock to see me pass, and although it is a new litter, I do find that parts of me often hang out for all to see. Sometimes I will have the Numidians set me down and allow the children of the Aventine or Caelian play with me. I give them little bits of sweetmeats and they sing, or dance, or even sometimes will join me for a ride, which makes the Numidians angry. The little ones always talk about how soft the cushions are in the litter, and I certainly don't tell them, but between us my dear, the cushions are so soft because they are me. Rolls of calf, or thigh, belly or love handle, back roll even.
I must tell you that I miss you much and want you back but not to worry. I am well fed, often fed, well, eating all the time, and as I have said, all me needs are attended to. I do wish you could ride me though my stallion. Geruss tells me my navel is now nearly a hand and a half deep and so softly nested that I yearn for your probe!! I avoid the sun to keep white as you like, and have been enjoying floating in our bath for exercise. Now you must know that someone my size floats, but I should tell you that I am now so fat that that I can't control my attitude in the water and without the Teutonnes I would tip over and drown. I bob up and down with their kind hands keeping me stable and happy, while all I need to do is open my mouth and one of them places something I like in it! May Jupiter bless your Generalship and may you come back, like Caesar, with a crown!