Chapter 8 - letter from publius clodius pulcher to clodia luculli

Dearest Sister
Put aside your feeding for a moment and concentrate on the words I am about to tell you. Your husband Lucullus is coming home! He has taken a Legion and begun his trek back from Roman Asia and as his baggage train is so encumbered with treasures of all sort, he will be a while in reaching you. It may be that he split his force and send some by sea to Ostia, as the season is favorable and his hoard is so rich. Would you believe the old lecher has actually stuffed wagons full of local fruit trees and vegetables, goats and sheep, for your gastrinomic pleasures? He is obviously, as we had hoped, still smitten by you and your corpulent form! That in mind, I certainly hope you have used your time to slow down a little and lose some of your girth. Sister, all the Greek doctors report that added fat will damage the humors and cause a rise in heat to your body and though I have no skill in medicine, last I saw you, your face was not only bloated but glowed with a ruddy red glow, and your skin itself gave off a slightly orange hue. Now it may have been make-up, as I know you spare no expense when it comes to that but do consider my words.
Back to point, be prepared to implement the plan we spoke of. He is a rich man now, second only to Crassus, and his love will blind him to our schemes until it is too late. He is upset with me don't doubt, but if you work your charms it should buy us time and get him to lower his guard. We should be able to rid ourselves of his presence and put ourselves in firm position to rise as Roma's First Family with the wealth of the East at our disposal. Please be cautious though, as his temper is still what it was.
I hope you still have the physical fondness you had for me when I left. Though you are my sister, and more bloated than the biggest Nile Hippo, I still find that old attraction for you strong in my heart. I remember the love lessons you gave me the year you found out you were to marry him and needed practice in the art. I have never forgotten, nor the times after when though your form may have changed, your skills if anything increased as rapidly as your weight.