chapter 5 - matt gets laid off

"Your cousin tried to give me exercise tips yesterday," Matt grumbled to Kate, reaching for another handful of Oreos. "Where does she get off? Has she even exercised in the last ten years?"

"She gave you a whole detailed exercise program," Kate said, more calmly than Matt probably deserved. "I'm pretty sure she's done every single one of those exercises herself. I don't see you getting started on trying them out."

"I said real exercise, not exercise for fat people," Matt snapped, muffled by the Oreo in his mouth.

"She looks pretty small next to you these days," Adrian noted.

Matt flipped him off. "Shut up. And maybe she does do some of those exercises after all. She's lost a bunch of weight."

"I really don't think she has," Kate said. "Maybe she's gone down a dress size? Maybe? But there's no way she's smaller than an 18. She's probably, like, 225?"

"When's the last time you got new glasses, Kate?" Matt snorted, getting ready to waddle out the door. "She used to be way fatter. She weighed more than me easily."

Adrian put his head in his hands and sighed deeply as Matt shut the door to head to the bakery.

"I need to go shopping again today," Kate sighed once he was gone, looking tiredly in the cupboards. "We're almost out of chips."

"I thought we just got some on Tuesday," Adrian said, looking up from his work email in surprise.

"We did! There's only a bag and a half left," she replied, holding up a jumbo-sized bag of chips in each hand. "There's no way those are going to last through tomorrow."

"Yeah, definitely not," Adrian mused. "I could go stock up if you wanted."

"Nah, that's cool. I've got a few more ideas for shit I want to buy anyway. I'm just glad you've got a Costco membership and we can fill up a shopping cart with junk for like eight bucks."

"I know, right? We'd be fucked without it," Adrian sighed.

It didn't seem to matter how much Matt had already eaten or how much of a pig he was making of himself - if food was in front of him, it never seemed to occur to him to stop eating. It was a good thing he was too lazy to get up most of the time, Adrian thought, or it would probably be impossible to keep any food in the cupboards.

He and Kate were getting pretty good at teamwork - it'd be an awful lot of work for one person to keep up with their roommate's appetite. They'd never had a real conversation about why they both wanted to keep Matt around and keep him eating as much as possible. That would just be awkward. The important thing was making it happen.

"You look stressed," Adrian noted, seeing Kate's furrowed brow. "Work going okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine!" she told him. "It's just... if, hypothetically, my family wants Matt to get the fuck out of their bakery, then we'll have to, hypothetically, cover more expenses. Or he'd have to get another job or something."

"That's not gonna happen," Adrian scoffed, then looked up at Kate sympathetically. "Aw, sorry. That's not, like, surprising, at all, but it must be kind of awkward for you."

"My auntie says she's "so fucking tired" of having Matt around at work," Kate sighed. "I don't think she's too happy with me for getting him the job."

"He's not going to be employee of the month any time soon?" Adrian ventured. "He just doesn't do any work," Kate told Adrian. "Auntie told me she's planning to give him his notice this week .He just gets in the way. And tries to eat the merchandise."

"What a shock," Adrian deadpanned. He paused to think for a few long seconds. "I'd chip in to cover expenses. No problem. I won't put it all on you, no way."

"Really?" Kate squealed. He reached out to her as she rushed over to give him a big hug. "Thank you so much, you're amazing."

"We can split the Matt expenses down the middle," Adrian said. "We can totally make this work." He grinned. It might not be that cheap, but it sounded a lot simpler and less stressful than keeping up with Matt's irregular rent payments and erratic eating schedule.

Both of them had been doing pretty well at work, Adrian thought. They could afford to subsidize Matt and his eating. Sure, it'd cost money, but it wasn't like they were going to save up a down payment soon in this economy anyway. Adrian was sure people spent money on all kinds of weirder shit. (He didn't plan on thinking too hard about what, in case he was wrong.) He and Kate were adults who had earned their own money, and if they wanted to spend some of it so they could watch their glutton of a roommate balloon up even bigger, then that was their own damn business.

"I mean, he eats a whole lot," Kate mused. "But he likes cheap fast food garbage just fine. And I can get day-old pastries from the bakery no problem."
"What's the point of having Costco points if I never use them?" Adrian reflected.

Later that day, Adrian heard Matt waddle in from work. He expected his roommate to be looking a little downcast about being made redundant, but he was heading for the kitchen with his usual single-minded focus.

"Long meeting about my two week's notice. Haven't eaten for three hours," Matt complained, stuffing a chocolate donut into his face. "'M fucking starved."

"You look it," Kate said. Adrian thought that was in questionable taste to say to somebody who got fired that day, but Matt didn't seem to notice. He was briskly gobbling down the contents of the box of donuts, arm fat and jowls wobbling as he busily stuffed his face, belly escaping his untucked shirt to hang down over his pants.
Adrian was itching to learn just how big Matt had become - but he didn't quite know how to manage that. Now that he thought of it, the bathroom scale only went up to 400, and that clearly wasn't going to do the job. (The old one that only went up to 300 had been mysteriously replaced a couple of years ago. Around the time Kate was repainting the bathroom.)

Left to his own devices, Adrian probably would have come up with a plan to fool Matt into standing on a livestock scale or something. Fortunately, as usual, Kate figured out how to get it done the easy way.

"Well, at least you made some good progress at your job in some ways," she said. "What are you, 450?"

"Probably not that much," Matt protested, stuffing another snack cake into his mouth. "That's huge."

"What do you think you are then?" Adrian interjected. "Mildly overweight?"

"Yeah, I've gained weight, so what. Maybe I'm... 405 or something?"

"I have an idea," Kate grinned. "I have a feeling you'll both like it."

Matt looked at Adrian quizzically. Adrian could only shrug back.

(More to come soon! Comments/feedback very appreciated as always. ^_^)