I have always had this part of myself and denied it, but i'm not sure i'm denying it anymore

I always ignored it because I wanted to be healthy. I tried to eliminate it, I was upset that I was into this. No matter what though, I cannot seem to shake it. Over the course of my life though, little things added up here and there, and I gained some weight from binging a lot at times, but never a ton of weight. Things like ordering 6 donuts at the drive-thru and the lady giving me a dozen instead, and then eating them all. Then I would go back again and again. When I gain weight for some reason it's always really exciting and makes me feel so good. I would always lose whatever small amount of weight I gained though.

I got put on some medication once some years ago and I was absolutely starving. It was as if my stomach had become a bottomless pit. I would eat breakfast at home, and then on my way out and about, and then a third breakfast when I got where I was going, etc...I was so hungry I couldn't focus and I was so busy that I would eat every chance I got, and I would eat quite a lot. Anyway I gained some weight during this time and was pretty out of sorts and not myself, and there are patches off time here I don't really recall. I lost that weight eventually though. I did notice that my formerly flat and toned tummy with rock solid skinny abs was gone though. Something had changed. I had a little bit of chub on my tummy that I just couldn't seem to get rid of no matter how hard I tried. It frustrated me to no end.

Later I dated a woman who was pretty chunky and cute, I tend to go for this sort of woman, and I noticed on our first date she suggested I get something and it sounded delicious, so I did, and the portion was huge. I didn't think I could finish it, and she got real close and smiled and told me I should finish it. I paused and exhaled and said "okay" and tried but I think we ended up putting it in a to go box and I forgot it. I went back to her house, we were in our 20s and I met her family and everything. Later when we were alone, after having some snacks, she sat on top of me and rubbed my tummy while we kissed, and I played with her love handles and rubbed her back.

This relationship continued for a while and I didn't really notice it in a standout way, but she always made sure we ate. I would eat sometimes on the way over or before and even though I told her so we'd end up eating soon, and sometimes multiple times. It's normal to eat though, right? Anyway her family would also encourage me to eat all the time saying I was too skinny, and to be fair they were probably right. Eventually, one day my pants wouldn't button, but I hadn't noticed any weight gain exactly. I wasn't even thinking about it. Surely my pants had shrunk somehow I thought. Weird.

Around this time I did notice I seemed hungrier than usual. I eventually, for a different reason, had to go on that same medication that made me ravenous before, and so it did again, though not as much. I definitely gained some more weight again. At some point I realized how much weight I'd gained, which I knew was some, but didn't realize it was so much.

I got a bit upset, but I didn't really know if I was upset. I wasn't upset with her exactly. I was conflicted because I was enjoying it but I didn't see myself being this way. She definitely was making sure I ate, taking care of me, pushing me to eat a bit too much sometimes, but mostly just always making sure there was food around.

Eventually we broke up and I lost all that weight except for this little bit of stomach chub I couldn't seem to get rid of. My doctor asked what happened, seemingly concerned, though I wasn't unhealthy or anything. I explained and she seemed satisfied.

Eventually I gained that weight back. I noticed one day but I didn't mind it. I didn't really look fat or anything. It seemed fine. I have always felt my bones touch the seat though and one day I just got sick of how uncomfortable it was, and I started going to the gym trying to get stronger. I never went as much as I should have but it did make me hungrier from all the exercise. I kept going and felt healthier generally, but because I go at night, I would often end up getting fast food after as there wasn't anything else really open. Plus I was all sweaty, so I didn't want to get out of my car, I would end up at a drive thru.

Anyway, I eventually had gained almost the same amount I had gained in my relationship, on top of having already gained that weight back. I still didn't look fat really though. I lost some of that weight after realizing, but later gained it back.

I have been eating a lot lately, kind of starting to give into this. I'm getting more comfy when I sit and I love it. I have had to buy new clothes a couple times because I felt like I was trapped in them. I might have to do it again soon. I think I might start to be getting actually sort of fat, but I haven't weighed myself. I kind of like it though, it's sort of exciting. Isn't that wrong though? Am I letting go? Not sure.
2 months

I have always had this part of myself and denied it, but i'm not sure i'm denying it anymore

Hey, thanks for sharing your story and joining the site. Relationship with food, weight, and fatness is no doubt a complex thing interwoven with different aspects of life. And our perspectives on it can change over time. There's really a broad spectrum of views and interests on here.

Just because people read and don't respond to your posts doesn't mean they don't necessarily care. It can be hard to make decent connections and have meaningful dialog on here sometimes. But I have my hopes smiley
2 months