Lifestyle tips

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade now; we’re high school sweethearts and we’re getting married this summer. I’m so excited for this and I love her so much. However, she’s never liked this kink and actually calls it triggering. She grew up a fat kid and was subject to ridicule and constant scrutiny from adults all around her. When I met her in high school, she had tried every diet you can think of and was still a pretty chubby teen.

When I introduced the concept of feedism, I was the feeder and she was the feedee. At first, she was all about it, but then she had a health scare and wanted to quit cold turkey. She’s gone to therapy for her binge eating and has resulted in sticking to a diet and strict exercise regiment in order to lose the weight.

We’re both in our mid 20’s and are now finally going to live together after being long distance for years (Covid, I moved for work and school, it was rough but we made it through). Overtime, I realized that I wanted to be the one fattened up, and now that’s where I am: working on increasing my caloric intake and putting on weight. I’m 5 pounds shy of 200 and I hope to break that number by the wedding.

But as we get closer to the wedding, she’s been losing weight: almost 60 pounds in a year and a half. It’s impressive and I’m proud of her for accomplishing a goal she set forth, but now I’m kind of feeling a certain way. Truth be told I miss her when she was fatter. I liked the way she looked then more than now. And I’m proud of her accomplishment in achieving this goal of hers, but I’m hoping that once we start living together that she’ll start putting on the weight again.

Idk, maybe I’m being immature about this. All I know is that im about to marry the love of my life, and regardless of what she looks like, im sticking by her through thick and thin. Idk if I’m looking for advice or just a safe place to express my feelings. I’m so excited to share life with her, but how do I pursue my wants without hurting my partner? I’m at the point where bottling it up is becoming unbearable. And I don’t want to do anything unfaithful to my partner. I love her far too much for some kink to get in the way. But what do you do when a pillar of the healthy adult marriage is compromised by conflicting ideals?

You would benefit from therapy no matter how this turns out. Kink or not, it's not healthy to be distressed when your partner's body goals are different from your preferences.

You are not ready to get married. Point blank period. This is a recipe for resentment from both parties. Either the marriage won't last or it will be miserable. She has internalized fatphobia and you feel entitled to her body. Whether or not this is something you two can overcome depends on the both of you.

You probably shouldn’t force your girlfriend to be fat, it sounds like a nightmare to have someone fatten your body against your will unless you signed up for it. I know noncon stuff is like a fetish too or whatever but this is a real goddamn marriage and it’s up to you whether you let your fat fetish ruin it or not.

Don't do it, man. It's either your kink or your marriage.

You can utterly love someone and still not share a “kink”. The adult thing to do is to talk to them about it.

My wife does not share my sexual need for fat, but she knows who and what I am, and we have a mutual understanding.

Humans are sexual beings. Your sexuality is important to you, just as hers is. You need to have an honest conversation with her about this before the marriage and figure out how you can scratch this itch without asking her to gain weight or binge eat. If you're in a situation where you have to completely suppress your sexuality to be with your partner, you are going to build up resentment over time, and that is going to have some bad consequences later if you keep those emotions bottled up, probably tanking the relationship. Even if you think you're good at hiding your emotions, you aren't, and that's going to make her feel terrible as well.

It sounds like you're already starting to feel some, since you're already hoping for her diet to fail, or for her to lose motivation and gain weight back. You're putting yourself in a position where you are going to be disappointed and frustrated when she succeeds at what she needs for herself. Instead, you should assume the worst-case scenario for you is inevitable, that she will keep the weight off, and continue losing more until she is skinny, and stays that way into old age. You should also assume that your desires aren't going to change or grow less intense over time.

What then? Can you find a creative way for you to have your sexual needs met in this scenario while staying faithful? Possibly through roleplay? Whatever you figure out, you need to talk to her about it and make sure she is on board and you are both on the same page. You also don't want to develop a coping mechanism that she's going to be upset by if she finds out later on her own.