General

I’ve known I liked fat guys for a really long time but every time I get with one I always feel the need to keep it on the dl because my friends always make fun of the guy or tease me about it. For example a few years ago I was really into this bigger guy and ngl he wasnt even that big but I was so scared to bring him around my friends and parents because I was scared of how they would react and that it would hurt his feelings and stuff even tho I thought he was literally perfect. so I only hung out at his house and I kept it secret even tho I was hanging out with him nearly everyday because I loved spending time with him. not only was he insanely hot imo but when we ran into eachother at a party and my friends were with me and they asked who he was and I explained he was the guy I really liked and they all started making fun of me and him so I ended up ghosting him which I still regret to this day. Since I have a very large social circle and alot of connections and friends, its really hard to keep things quiet. I just recently started being more open with my friends about my preferences but I feel like most of them dont really care but some of them especially my conventionally attractive guy friends like to make fun of me for it. Another issue is finding a guy who’s my age, tall, and both overweight, and attractive facially. I am into fat guys, not ugly guys but finding someone who checks all of the boxes and also isn’t actively trying to lose weight is nearly impossible and whenever I do find someone and build up the courage to talk to them they think I’m pranking them or something even tho I’m not.

Don’t let society define your life. Love and cherish whatever you want to. Be yourself and think that in fact no one is going to give you an easy choice. Honestly, I was very thin once and people comments were cruel and lead me to believe I should be fat, because I was skinny and all bones. Well now I bit chubbier and no longer skinny, but I understood I shouldn’t go further and be fatter, because it could be worse to do it in unhealthy way. So now I’m gaining weight because I love it and try to do it in a healthy way. And I like the new me. So Be proud of yourself, let yourself enjoy the things you like. Love the fat boys and date them, they are deserved your love. No matter what society dictates.

Thank you for being so open and honest. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of reflecting on your feelings and experiences, and that’s not always easy to share. It’s clear you value connection and are trying to navigate this part of your life in a way that feels true to you, even if there have been obstacles.

It’s unfortunate that societal pressures and the opinions of others have made it harder for you to be open about what makes you happy. It’s understandable that the fear of judgment from friends or others might hold you back, but at the end of the day, your happiness and the way someone makes you feel are what matter most. Those who genuinely care about you will respect your choices, and if they don’t, that says more about them than it does about you.

It’s also okay to have preferences and standards, it’s human. Building a relationship based on mutual attraction and respect takes time, and the right person won’t see your interest as a joke or a prank. If someone assumes that, it might come from their own insecurities, not anything you’ve done wrong.

You’re already taking steps by being more open with your friends, and that’s a big move in the right direction. It sounds like you’ve learned a lot from past experiences, and that awareness will help guide you toward healthier relationships and people who align with what you truly want.

Imma shoot it straight with you. And I say this in peace and love.

Don't date until you get your shit together. And either set boundaries with your friends or drop the altogether. They are shitty friends and shitty people. No matter who you date, they should only be worried about two things: your happiness, and if they are treating you well.

That's it. They shouldn't care about their size, race, height, hair color, or anything else that doesn't impact the quality of the person.

Right now, you are too insecure to be a good significant other. You might be the nicest, sweetest person in the world. But until you are ready to stop treating your love interests like a dirty little secret, you aren't dateable.

Have you looked into therapy? It might help you navigate your feelings and overcome what's holding you back.

You sound like a bratty teenager who needs to grow up

I'm seconding this, thirding this, and fourthing this. Those are horrible friends to have.

Added the bold and italicized emphasis, to point out the problem.

What I'm about to say might not be the easiest thing to hear, and might have the vibe of an older person who "doesn't get it," but I most certainly do "get it."

I looked at your profile, and I see you're 18 years old. I was 18 once upon a time as well. In a way, I even had it harder. Broadband was picking up steam over the dirt-slow dial-up of the 90s, Dimensions Magazine and a few Yahoo Groups (back when that was around) were the only game in town, and no body positivity movement; no Instagram either. Big box stores and department store only had thin mannequins at that, too. If anything, it was actually a miracle I even found Dimensions back in the day.

In short, I felt completely alienated and frightened that anyone might find out, probably even worse than you do right now.

Anyway, though I'm primarily echoing the sentiment of the other responses, but eventually, at some point, you might have to make a choice, even if it might be difficult, for the sake of your longer-term happiness.

It's not high school anymore. "Rep" that rewards conformity just isn't as important anymore. You may need to pay some mind to that when it comes to professional reputation, both in job interviews and at the workplace, but that's professional life, not personal. But they won't care if your boyfriend is fat, only whether you can behave professionally and what value you can provide them.

I'll tell you something else. Ask anyone you know, aged 30+, or for that matter, 25+, how many people from their childhood or teen years they're still in contact with. The odds are very good they will answer one of two ways, either 1) they aren't in contact with any of those people anymore, or 2) they are in contact with 1, 2, maybe at most 3 or 4 people from that time in their life, and that's it.

People change, life plans and situations change, and sometimes they drift away. If resisting this feels forced, it's not meant to be. If a genuine connection exists, it won't matter, through thick and thin (or thick and thicker?). It would never feel forced, imbalanced, and you'd stay in contact regardless.

Personally, aside from my parents, I don't still know anyone, or remain in contact with anyone I knew when I was 18 years old. In fact, at that time, I remained in contact with some toxic people, just because I was afraid of being all alone. It's not worth it. In fact, my life got measurably better when I cut them out a few years later. I get it, it's scary.

So my question then, is this. Who, exactly, are you trying to impress? What value does this provide you? You said it yourself, that most don't give you any crap about it.

As for random strangers at the bar, restaurant, shopping mall, bowling alley, whatever.. they won't care, and if they do, so what?

As for your parents, obviously I don't know them, but you might be pleasantly surprised? Assuming they're decent people, I'd think they would be more interested in whether he's a good man and is treating you right.

My parents are kind of into health stuff, and my mother in particular has sometimes said negative things about appearance, even fat-phobic things. But every time it's because the person seemed like a bad person she doesn't like, but she ran out of bad things to say about the person, so it's back to the default. She never says those things about people she likes, even if they happen to be fat. Hopefully you may have a similar experience?

I myself have gained a considerable amount of weight over the past few years. My parents don't love me any less over it, though I don't think I'll tell them I'd like to gain another 60-70 lbs on purpose. I also doubt they'd mind much, if at all, if I were to bring over someone who's chubby or even unequivocally fat.

The longer you put it off, the harder and more painful it will be, and the more it will suck. Before you know it, a couple decades passed, you weren't happy, and the people you thought you'd impress are gone from your life anyway. Life is simply too short to be worried about this sort of thing and spend a significant amount of that time unhappy.

Phew! Wall of text but I think all that needed to be said.

As for this, I think you might struggle with this for a good while.

A lot of them, for a long time, will be cautious and yes, that lingering thought of whether it's a prank or another act of humiliation may persist for awhile.

While not exactly the same, but once upon a time when I was 12 or 13 years old, some other kid was friendly and even patted me on the back. Turned out she taped a "Kick me" sign on my back. That messed me up for years and I was very suspicious of too much friendliness and was even just a bit more hostile, distrustful, and reserved in general. I got over it, but not right away.

Maybe they've dealt with similar latent trauma, or even worse.

It's also about what seems plausible and possible. It's the same reason why I'm unlikely to believe that someone who could possibly double as a European runway model from France or Italy with photoshopped images, and appears to have a $250K+/yr. job could ever be interested in me. I suppose it's possible, like how winning the lottery jackpot is possible, but it's not plausible. I'd have a very hard time ever believing it.