I’ve been through a somewhat similar situation, have thought about it a lot, and have discussed the situation with men and women on various places on-line. I have a ton of thoughts on this, but will try to keep this down to less than essay length.
Two main areas I want to mention: various inputs into how she feels about her size, and how what she says about her size can reflect other factors.
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First, inputs into how she’ll feel about her size.
1) Your attraction to her
2) Feedback she gets from other people (friends, family, strangers…)
3) Her feelings about general social acceptability of her size (general, as opposed to the more specific feedback in 2)
4) Her own self-image, and how well her current body does or does not match up to that.
5) Practical issues of living in her body.
You guys have two kids, presumably under age ten. For a mom of kids, I’d say those factors are probably listed from least to most important. Kids keep you busy, and become a real priority. Worrying about looks, and whatever anyone else thinks of them, can become a luxury for which she may not have a lot of time. But something that will come up constantly is any clash between her actual body and her own self-image (or idealized version of herself).
If, for example, at some level she sees herself as a young, active, mom who would do lots of activities with her kids while yet keeping up a fun and funky style, but when the kids are playing ball she’s too hot and tired to want to play with them, and finding clothes in her size is hard enough that she just grabs whatever is loose enough and doesn’t show stains, well then she’s got a big cognitive dissonance between who she feels she is and who she is being.
To make a gross generalization, nobody feels more guilt than a Mom. That incredible love they have for their kids means they want to do things perfectly for them, on top of all the other expectations they may feel. Which makes that general sense of guilt at not being thin and in shape much stronger than it probably would be without kids—she isn’t just a ‘bad person’ but also a ‘bad mom’ and even ‘a bad example.’
That mom reflex can be armor against specific comments—who cares what anyone else thinks if you know you are being a good mom—but it also can make a mom more vulnerable if those comments target the mom role. One person saying a bit snidely “Oh, don’t you just getting on your knees in the sandbox and playing with them?” when it hurts her knees like all heck to kneel, could really be the sort of comment to stick.
Of course she wants to be attractive to you, but, well, not the highest priority right now most likely. As your kids get older and she doesn’t have to spend as much of her time directly involved with them this will probably change some more. But you made your choice quite some time ago, and there are just more important things right now.
Perhaps you can convince her that you really, truly, honestly, like her better at this weight, would even love it if she were heavier. But what of it? That still doesn’t change the look in the teacher’s eye when they first meet, which your wife might interpret as the teacher is thinking “Lazy, sloppy, parent, no wonder Johnny doesn’t color within the lines, he probably gets no discipline at home….”
In short, I’m all for you convincing her that you really are attracted to her at this size, I’m just saying don’t expect that to change her overall feelings that much.
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On to how what she says about her size might really reflect other things.
I think weight can be an easy cover for other things. If you are generally feeling tired and un-lovely, because you’ve been going flat out for days and have had no time to fuss over yourself, then look in the mirror, those vague, unformed feelings will probably focus in on the easiest target, kind of like a lightning rod pulling in the charge that otherwise might hit elsewhere. For some it might be grey hair, for others wrinkles, for someone else breasts saggier than they used to be.....for her, maybe her weight.
It is much easier to think “Oh, if I just lost fifty pounds I’d have so much more energy, I’d look so much better, it would be easier to find clothes I liked, my face would look better….” Than to think “I’m burned out, but we have music class at 8am on Saturday so I can’t sleep in, then I need to get a present for the birthday party one of the kids is going to, then drive to the party, I still haven’t done groceries, no, no time to get my hair done, take a nap, a long bath, or anything else, and I don’t see a change on the horizon for the next five years….” In other words, thinking that one change will solve everything, versus all you can do is keep soldiering on indefinitely.
(btw, not to paint too dire a picture of parenthood: there are awesome moments by the score, for moms as well as dads, but when the down times happen you don’t have that choice to shut down for a while, you have to just keep trudging through. I’m really focusing more on the down times, because that is when more negative thoughts will occur).
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What can you do besides keep trying to convince her that you lust for her the way that she is?
The sections above were speculation, I could be way off at the dynamics of her life. This section is beyond speculation….think of it more like my contributions to a brain storming session. Just a bunch of ideas, some of which hopefully spark some better idea in you.
Make your praise match the priorities feeding into her self image.
- Start with “You are such a great Mom.” And make versions of that your most frequent feedback.
- Next on the list is to compliment things about her and things she does that you think probably line up with who she feels she is inside/aspires to be, like “Thanks for remembering that it is Steve’s birthday, you are so great at thinking of others” or “Why don’t you drive, you have that perfect instinct for getting through traffic without getting stupid about it” or “Know way your boss values you enough, you are just so great at [her job]”
- Occasional comments about how she is generally or specifically admirable: “I bet every woman you meet is jealous about your lips” or “That dress really brings out the colour in your eyes, you are always so good at picking out colours.” Or more specifically “It is so great how you wrestle with Jamie, not many women have the energy to take on a six year old! Could you imagine Alice doing that?”
- tack on how attracted you are to the others, occasionally. So “You are such a great Mom. And most certainly a Mom that I’d like to ……” or “….you are always so good at picking out colours. Then again, I might be biased, because I think you also look smoking hot with no clothes on at all!”
- Target the things that are really bugging her. If for example she cut her hair short when dealing with babies, and now it has grown out some but she’s not done much with it and grumbles about it, set aside the money and time to get her off to a good salon (plan it for her). Loving how her hair looks will make her feel better about herself in general, and less apt to target general unhappiness at her weight.
Find ways to revive some stuff she used to love doing that probably made her feel desirable and sexy. Like when the kids are in bed, put on a CD of music you two listened to when first dating, and drag her into dancing for at least one song. Learn to mix up the alcoholic concoction that she’d usually order at a bar. Whatever you can think of, to help her re-connect with that feeling.
Never underestimate the power of enough sleep. If you can get her to take a nap, go to bed early, sleep in….there are few people in the modern world who couldn’t benefit from more sleep, and being well rested just makes us feel more energetic and alive and ready to deal with life. Ditto for spending time with friends (or really: adults in general in a social context).
Pay attention to specifics that may be challenges due to her weight, and try to reduce the pain of those. If getting her hips and the laundry basket through the door into the basement is awkward, start being the one to carry laundry to and from the basement. Ditto cleaning under the couch, getting up the step stool to get the serving platter from the top shelf, etc. Not to make her lazier, just to help her avoid the small things that really bug her. And to combine this suggestions with some of the previous, take the kids to see a movie (if she has any issues with the seats there) or to a museum that has a ton of walking (if her knees are bothering her) or for a big bike ride (if she's not much of a cyclist), while arranging for her to take a nap, have coffee with a friend, get her hair done, even get caught up some work.....
13 years
