This is ftom a few days ago now:
"Today, I thought about gainer milestones, like hitting 200 pounds on the scale, aaalmost consistently enough for it to not just be bloat. Usually falling around 199 on average. Honestly, I thought I would feel bigger at this size. If I gain another 15, I think I will officially be obese by bmi calculation standards. That will be a first. It's likely to happen with the way I have been eating lately.
Measuring my belly and having it measure greater than 40 inches at its greatest point was another milestone I thought about. I was at 41.5, a little bloated, idk. I was 39 about 3 weeks ago. Definitely growing! Anyway, honestly that was shocking to me, did not expect that number at all. Apparently my gut size means I am now prone to more health problems blahblah but like. I feel fine so far. I kind of want to get bigger. I like having a belly. Though... being unable to hide it is becoming a thing, soon.
All my life growing up I was skinny, but I heard the way my mom talked about fat people -- it was very negative. She asked me not to get fat all the time and was highly critical when she or my sisters gained weight. Hilariously though, once she did say that I should put on weight because I'm "kind of skinny for a guy." She would not say that if she saw my body now.
I had a formal event originally scheduled for 5 months ago, and I bought some nice pants for it. It has been delayed several times and has just been delayed again til god knows when. In any case, my belly gets in the way of closing those 32 inch pants I bought for it, so I will need to get some new pants. Might hold off in case I do, in fact, grow more in the next few weeks/months.
A friend who knew me back in high school (I was skinny and athletic, 135-ish) who hasn't seen me in about 50 pounds said I look like a "gentle giant" and "teddy bear" right now. Which made me feel many different things! I wanna be softer, heavier. It is nice to hear I am embodying that already but it definitely makes me realize how distorted my own perceptions are. I still feel downright skinny sometimes, but I'm obviously not now, and I gotta escape the "all mass is good mass" mentality soon. OR DO I idk.
I have been helping friends move which was nice. I am very strong compared to some of my friends and that's a helpful thing to remember, especially when I am feeling weak or scrawny OR fat (which I am starting to, maybe, it's new). I obsess over this stuff and drown myself in unrealistic ideas about my body and what I will do with it and how big I will allow it to get... so that's something."
Additional thoughts:
My shape in my midsection is starting to change as I get bigger. I'm now starting to see it sometimes as being genuinely round, not just in the lower area, but my sides as well. My bigger shirts are starting to pull in new ways. I can't believe how disrtacted by my own growing belly I am sometimes. The thought of being obese in 20 (just checked -- 10, actually) pounds or so simultaneously scares me and fascinates me. I used to be so scrawny!
"Today, I thought about gainer milestones, like hitting 200 pounds on the scale, aaalmost consistently enough for it to not just be bloat. Usually falling around 199 on average. Honestly, I thought I would feel bigger at this size. If I gain another 15, I think I will officially be obese by bmi calculation standards. That will be a first. It's likely to happen with the way I have been eating lately.
Measuring my belly and having it measure greater than 40 inches at its greatest point was another milestone I thought about. I was at 41.5, a little bloated, idk. I was 39 about 3 weeks ago. Definitely growing! Anyway, honestly that was shocking to me, did not expect that number at all. Apparently my gut size means I am now prone to more health problems blahblah but like. I feel fine so far. I kind of want to get bigger. I like having a belly. Though... being unable to hide it is becoming a thing, soon.
All my life growing up I was skinny, but I heard the way my mom talked about fat people -- it was very negative. She asked me not to get fat all the time and was highly critical when she or my sisters gained weight. Hilariously though, once she did say that I should put on weight because I'm "kind of skinny for a guy." She would not say that if she saw my body now.
I had a formal event originally scheduled for 5 months ago, and I bought some nice pants for it. It has been delayed several times and has just been delayed again til god knows when. In any case, my belly gets in the way of closing those 32 inch pants I bought for it, so I will need to get some new pants. Might hold off in case I do, in fact, grow more in the next few weeks/months.
A friend who knew me back in high school (I was skinny and athletic, 135-ish) who hasn't seen me in about 50 pounds said I look like a "gentle giant" and "teddy bear" right now. Which made me feel many different things! I wanna be softer, heavier. It is nice to hear I am embodying that already but it definitely makes me realize how distorted my own perceptions are. I still feel downright skinny sometimes, but I'm obviously not now, and I gotta escape the "all mass is good mass" mentality soon. OR DO I idk.
I have been helping friends move which was nice. I am very strong compared to some of my friends and that's a helpful thing to remember, especially when I am feeling weak or scrawny OR fat (which I am starting to, maybe, it's new). I obsess over this stuff and drown myself in unrealistic ideas about my body and what I will do with it and how big I will allow it to get... so that's something."
Additional thoughts:
My shape in my midsection is starting to change as I get bigger. I'm now starting to see it sometimes as being genuinely round, not just in the lower area, but my sides as well. My bigger shirts are starting to pull in new ways. I can't believe how disrtacted by my own growing belly I am sometimes. The thought of being obese in 20 (just checked -- 10, actually) pounds or so simultaneously scares me and fascinates me. I used to be so scrawny!
3 years