A few semi-random thoughts and questions, then a few suggestions further down. All based only on what I’ve read of your situation and my own extrapolation on it—in other words I am likely wildly off base, you should take this with a cup of salt, and other appropriate disclaimers.
- By the sounds of it, your boyfriend is generally more relaxed about things than you are?
- Our secrets become bigger and bigger deals to us as we hold them in, and are almost always a bigger deal to us than to others.
- My experience is that guys, especially fairly young ones, are less apt to worry about what is right or normal versus what is going to get them laid, compared to women (gross generalization I admit).
- I would guess that your boyfriend would have good reason to think himself fortunate to have you as his girlfriend. You sound like the more driven one, while it sounds like he goes with the flow a bit more?
- It sounds like you are both thinkers, with a lot of stuff going on inside your heads that never makes it out?
To me it sounds like the two of your are trying to dance without anyone taking the lead, so it is confusing for both of you. But, since you are much more focussed on this than he is, I think you probably owe it to yourself to lead. It may not come naturally to you in this regard, but I think some firm signals could help the two of you get much more in sync.
As to how to signal, I’d say you really have three options: analytical, metaphorical, and action based. You could dabble with just using one and see where it gets you, or you could really press things and hit all the buttons.
By analytical I mean trying to put all of this into words. From your posts, it looks like you think analytically, or at least tend to communicate that way, so this might be the most natural for you? But you haven’t done it yet, which says it might also be the hardest for you when it comes to this topic? This would cover things like explaining that you like big guys, but prefer them active and able to do things with you, etc, etc….all that you posted here. Personally I’d think maybe this would be the one to leave to last, if needed.
Metaphorical is to give him ideas or comparisons that he can work with. None of these may work for you, but hopefully you get what I’m trying to show, things like “Dress up like a burly lumberjack and you can have me anywhere you like, that look is just meow!” or “Bah to the meterosexual look. I’m not against a guy taking care with his appearance, but I prefer the classic more blue collar look, some muscle but some padding on top too.” Or (pointing out a couple where the woman is much smaller than the man) “Wow, she’s lucky, imagine how small and how protected she must feel when next to him?” Or, when he points out some really big guy and asks if you’d still be attracted to him that big say “Sure, so long as you could still come biking and hiking with me. I like momentum, that takes mass and speed….” Hopefully you get the idea, give him an image or model that may not be perfectly what you want, but is in the right ballpark. Don’t say “be like this” but make it clear that being like that would be good.
As for actions, well, all sorts of actions tend to speak louder than words to guys, but obviously sex shouts especially loudly. Maybe combine a really big meal with a bit to drink, enough to justify you acting tipsy (and enough to lower your inhibitions enough to actually do it), and do something like give a quick rub to his stretched out belly and commend “I want you on top of me, I like feeling pinned down by your weight when you are all full like this.” In a less blatant sort of way, if he has clothes that are getting tight, take him shopping for the size he needs, make him try stuff on, and comment on how good he looks in the proper fitting sized. Throw in some comment of “No whining about what size the label says. Find what is YOU sized, and I promise you’ll look so good that I’ll want to peel the clothes right back off of you.” And once he does model things in the right size, make sure they get bought, then hurry him home for fun assuring him that you were turned on by how good he looked. (taking him shopping for larger clothes clearly shows you don’t mind him looking bigger, sex afterwards says that you weren’t just being understanding but honestly think he looks hot that way).
Again, all just my thoughts, and if any of them remotely apply to your situation it is probably just good luck, so your mileage may vary, no warrantee express or implied, etc.
Good luck, and try not to stress about it too much!
11 years
