Having conflicting ideas in your head at the same time is uncomfortable—my long ago psychology course said such a ‘cognitive dissonance’ usually quickly results in one of the ideas being rejected (whether for good reasons or not), just to get rid of that internal conflict. But sometimes it isn’t easy to get rid of either side of it. I know I’ve lived with this sort of conflict in my head for over thirty years…..I long ago gave up being thin, but going from chunky to really standing out as fat was a line I’d really not been willing to cross. Of course everyone’s mind is different, so you may work things out very differently.
On the one hand, you love gaining. It is possible that some people get over their love of gaining, but for the most part it seems that if it is part of you, it will always be part of you. Sometimes people can channel away from their actual life with making stories or drawing or fantasy chat, but for other people that just makes the desire stronger. It sounds like you’ve tried to totally drive this away, and gone on an extreme diet at least once, without the desire actually leaving.
On the other hand, you want the social acceptance that comes with being thin (or at least fitting in with ‘normal’ people). Lots of people get over their need for social acceptance based on ‘fitting in.’ (Of course, most people probably don’t, and those that do tend to get there with age—at your age I must be blood rare). I think we all have a desire for acceptance, but there are different types of acceptance, from different people, for different reasons…and over time even that can fade. (google “When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple” for a fun way of looking at it)
In short, if you don’t like the conflict in your head, my bet would be that you’ll find it easier to change the context of where you get your acceptance, and learning to need acceptance less, than getting rid of that desire to gain. On the other hand, you can learn to live with the cognitive dissonance, and use that to find some balance point in your life (deciding what weight would be big enough, or choosing to gain a little bit and savour it, etc).
If you choose to try and change the acceptance side of thing, then it is one of those big examine your whole life and who you are sort of things. Finding out what things you’d like to be valued and accepted for that don’t have to do with fitting in to the thin culture, figuring out how to develop that side of yourself, finding places where you have a chance of getting that acceptance, weaning yourself away from people who insist on judging people by how well they fit in, finding new branches to your social network that give you the room to grow in the direction you want, working on accepting negative judgements from some people without feeling you must bend to please them (i.e. not being ‘a good girl’ to all people), ….. massive job, and not something that can happen instantly. On the other hand, it can be very liberating and may help you really thrive as a person, as you find a place where you can grow in all sorts of ways, including physically.
12 years
