General

Director? I dunno, how about Spielberg.

Actor to portray me? Well, when I'm clean-shaven I like to think I look a bit like a very over-weight Jared Padalecki. Though he'd need to pack on some serious poundage or get a really good fat-suit.

Can't I be my own Director/Actor?

At least then it would give me the dream job i've always wanted.

Director: Guy Ritchie, as many have already said he looks a pretty good choice, particularly for a British film.

Actor: Phil Daniels. He may not look like me, but in so many other ways he could so easily play my life. I've been asked this question before and it only took me a small amount of time to realise he is the perfect choice. He supports Chelsea, has great taste in music, comes from London and has the right type of attitude, humour and swagger.