I am a man on the tail end of four and a half years of eating disorders and I think somewhere in that this fetish emerged, which doesn't appear that unusual. One of my biggest motivations for recovery has been avoiding causing any more permanent damage to my body. It's really a challenge to untangle beliefs about what is healthy and environmentally ethical from the eating disorders, and my fetish further complicates that.
To be clear: I don't want to be unhealthy. I don't want heart disease, I don't want diabetes, and I want to be able to live an active life outdoors without becoming short of breath. I know some people accept these things as part of their lifestyles with gaining, but I simply can't do it. Many of the things I did in my eating disorder had little to do with being thin or even food- there's not much of a reason to purge water except that it serves a psychological purpose. I don't think I can accept health issues resulting from gaining without opening the door to rationalizing disordered behaviors like that because it's a whole lot easier to live like that when things get tough.
I cannot try to control my weight right now without falling back into it, so I haven't been trying. It probably sounds weird, but most of the time I don't care that much about what my body looks like or anything like that. Some of the weight I've gained has really been rather enjoyable. I've put on about 23 pounds in the last year, some of which was really necessary. However, I haven't been very active and my blood pressure has gone from being too low to too high. My BMI is not overweight, but it's only a few pounds below the cutoff, and on a short person who's starved away normal muscle mass that translates to being on the fat side of the skinny fat zone, which is statistically at least as dangerous as being overweight with a similar percent body fat. I know that I'm the shining example of someone who fat shamers would look at (clothed) and assume I'm the pinnacle of health and fitness, when in reality I am far from that in many ways. However, just because I can be thinnish and unhealthy doesn't mean I can be fat and healthy.
I know this is long winded as hell, but I am wondering how those of you who try to do this in a healthy way actually feel. I want to make my body healthier, but trying too hard at that backfires, so I'm scared of trying and scared of not trying and ending up fat and equally physically unhealthy. My plan right now is to stick with the program and try to eat more fresh plants and move my body more, but I'm increasingly tempted to try to lose just a little fat because I really think I feel it slowing me down. If I can feel healthy about it I'd be open to gaining on purpose in a few years, but I'm not there right now. I'm trying to convince myself that if I get fat that's okay as long as I am comfortable, but I find it deeply depressing to feel too out of shape to go on challenging hikes and play soccer and that sort of thing. I just don't want to feel like I'm missing out on life anymore.
Are any of you obese and able to keep up with fairly active friends? Can you tell me how you do it?
To be clear: I don't want to be unhealthy. I don't want heart disease, I don't want diabetes, and I want to be able to live an active life outdoors without becoming short of breath. I know some people accept these things as part of their lifestyles with gaining, but I simply can't do it. Many of the things I did in my eating disorder had little to do with being thin or even food- there's not much of a reason to purge water except that it serves a psychological purpose. I don't think I can accept health issues resulting from gaining without opening the door to rationalizing disordered behaviors like that because it's a whole lot easier to live like that when things get tough.
I cannot try to control my weight right now without falling back into it, so I haven't been trying. It probably sounds weird, but most of the time I don't care that much about what my body looks like or anything like that. Some of the weight I've gained has really been rather enjoyable. I've put on about 23 pounds in the last year, some of which was really necessary. However, I haven't been very active and my blood pressure has gone from being too low to too high. My BMI is not overweight, but it's only a few pounds below the cutoff, and on a short person who's starved away normal muscle mass that translates to being on the fat side of the skinny fat zone, which is statistically at least as dangerous as being overweight with a similar percent body fat. I know that I'm the shining example of someone who fat shamers would look at (clothed) and assume I'm the pinnacle of health and fitness, when in reality I am far from that in many ways. However, just because I can be thinnish and unhealthy doesn't mean I can be fat and healthy.
I know this is long winded as hell, but I am wondering how those of you who try to do this in a healthy way actually feel. I want to make my body healthier, but trying too hard at that backfires, so I'm scared of trying and scared of not trying and ending up fat and equally physically unhealthy. My plan right now is to stick with the program and try to eat more fresh plants and move my body more, but I'm increasingly tempted to try to lose just a little fat because I really think I feel it slowing me down. If I can feel healthy about it I'd be open to gaining on purpose in a few years, but I'm not there right now. I'm trying to convince myself that if I get fat that's okay as long as I am comfortable, but I find it deeply depressing to feel too out of shape to go on challenging hikes and play soccer and that sort of thing. I just don't want to feel like I'm missing out on life anymore.
Are any of you obese and able to keep up with fairly active friends? Can you tell me how you do it?
6 years
