Gaining

Here’s my “origin story” - I hope it helps!

So just for context I’ve been “fatsexual” for as long as I can remember and used to secretly stuff my clothes as a kid, and have always gotten off hardest to me fattening up. I didn’t learn about feedism until I was at university so that’s when I started grappling with my desires vs. my real life. I was in a long term relationship with a dietician (a body positive one, at least!), and quite frankly the idea of intentionally going down that path scared the shit out of me. I tried redirecting my link towards feeding other women but it was an inadequate substitute.

After I split up with the dietician I got on some bbw dating sites and was approached by a feeder (who made himself known by calling me “too thin” in his first message - not a bad tactic btw!). We wound up speaking by phone a few times due to distance, and after a few chats my gut was saying “hell no!”, so I told him I wasn’t ready.

I spent several years in a kind of functional no man’s land between my fantasies and my active lifestyle. I was never thin, usually a small bbw, and I was happy that way. I’ve only ever dated FA’s and gave up on overt dieting in my early 20’s, but exercised fairly regularly and ate pretty healthily (I only see it that way now though). But there was always this unmet need to be adored for my obesity and gluttony by someone who wanted to fatten me just as much as I did.

Then my world got hectic with multiple moves and frequent travelling for work. I’ve kearned I only lose weight accidentally when either locked into my type A professional asskicking mode, or when I’m sad / anxious / neurochemically askew.

I got below 200 lbs for the first time in a decade, and while it was a totally interesting experience to be a size 14 (with a cracking set of legs, to my surprise!), my enjoyment of it was mostly limited to being able to shop at so many clothing stores and walk a fair distance without burning the skin off my inner thighs.
I got a lot more attention from men then, but I was only bemused by it at best most of the time. Who cares if someone is attracted to a version of you that is nothing more than a side effect of stress and unpleasantness?

All in all it took getting “thin” for me to start realising how much fat was already a part of my identity. I also knew the weight loss wouldn’t stick and had no intention of trying to make it. In hindsight I think that comfortably inevitable weight gain played a big role in getting me to the “fuck it, it’s time” moment.

That moment came after a week where my job flamed out, I dumped the loser I’d let glom onto me, I moved my grandma into assisted living, and finally... got the news that my biological father, who I was very close with, had terminal cancer and 18 months to live. That was a couple weeks before thanksgiving, and in that time I decided I’d go to England where he was being treated and would help him as he exited this mortal coil.

Getting that news forced a real carpe diem moment in me, and just as my gut said no to that feeder guy, it said “Yes!!” to having a test run at gaining weight. Both before and during that run I spent a lot of time thinking and feeling my way through it. While I fully intended on letting others think my gain was because of emotional eating, I didn’t want to realise later that I’d been using my kink as if it were a drug to escape and avoid emotional pain. My love for lady fat is one of the purest, happiest desires I have, and I didn’t want to fuck it up by taking it too far and regretting what I’d done. The truth is that acting out any fantasy will have an element of escapism to it, and that wound up being okay for me.

So I started off with a 10 day “gain as much as I can” food bender. I gained 18 lbs. it was EPIC! Then I left it mostly alone while I moved overseas. After the bender I began setting semi-short term weight goals for whatever number felt equally comfortable as it did a rousing to me, usually 10-20lbs at a time. Despite hot furiously I gained at first, I always took time between goals to #1- fully enjoy my progress! #2- check in with myself on all fronts so I could be sure I knew what I wanted and where I stood. I knew if I didn’t listen to my (ever increasing) gut instincts it could all go sour. I didn’t let anyone feed me for several years because I knew how easy it’d be for me to lose myself if I developed feelings for a feedee, and this needed to be *my* thing for only me!

And you know what? It all worked out beautifully ? it turns out that all that introspection was also building up my inner fortitude and self-assuredness. Those are handy things to have when you’re

For me I was depressed with my body and always thought I never was too sexy or skinny enough as most other girls. Then I met my boyfriend and he sort of introduced me to the world of feederism. At first I was on the fence but I decided let’s go for a change and get to 200 just to see how I’ll look. At that moment I let go and decided that I wanted to make change up my appearance. So far it’s been the best decision. Getting fat made me feel sexier than I’ve ever felt before. My man loves me and can’t keep his hands off of mE. Being Asian I do experience hate from family members but they gave me the same criticism when I was skinny by saying you need to lose weight. So either way I was bound for criticism. But I don’t let it bother me.