General

Welcome to FF.
Lots of people feel like you do so you are not alone.
I know about family being mean and giving you a hard time my Mom still does that to me and calls me fat.
There used to be a member here that said when he got urges to be fat he would pad himself to appear fat and that seemed to help him thru the rough times where his urges hit.

What you might need is just hang around in these communities. Some people might be annoying but most of the users overall are super supportive.

We can understand what you are going trough. The stigma implanted by those who know you personally can be quite harsh, and then there's the clash with what you truly desire which sends your mind into a downward spiral.

My only recommendation is for you to find what you most want of yourself. Block out all interference from outside and seek those who have the same dreams and goals. Whenever or not it's about gaining or not it doesn't matter. Instead of telling you "don't mind, just gain", it's much better that you make the decision yourself without any influence other than what is most dear to you.

I hope you have a good time. Take care of yourself!

I agree make the decision thats best for you.
I went thru all the same issues as I was gaining but it was something I wanted for myself and no ones opinion swayed me not to gain.
Sure I had times where I wondered if it was the right decision but in the long run I was very happy being with my decision to gain weight.

Yah, a lot of us are pulled both ways. I've tried to compromise by being just a little fat, so I could kind of straddle both worlds, but over the years what 'a little fat' means has increased and I'm quite a bit fatter now than when I started. And of course when I do try to lose, as you found, it is hard to lose as much as you have gained.

Hopefully you'll be able to move away from your home town again, and have a little more freedom to make this choice without as much pressure around you.