Fat experiences

qtpie8124:

How do people balance not wanting to actually gain, having teasing, humiliation kinks around weight gain, a belly fetish, and the psychological aspects of this? Has anyone had experience with body dysmorphia and this kink?

junebug10:
Like others, I just want to thank you for this post and the subsequent discussion because my relationship with this kink has always been inextricably linked to body dysmorphia. While becoming aware of my sexuality, I had to navigate the conflict between my fantasies/desires and the seemingly irreconciable shame and insecurity I felt around body image. To be frank, I still struggle with this.

Part of me would love to "let go" and gain, but I know in reality I could never be truly happy in the body I fantasize about. Starting in middle school, patterns of disordered eating emerged; I binged and purged, restricted food, exercised to burn off what I allowed myself to eat. In high school I still binged/purged but it was much more infrequent and I was very conscious of caloric intake, though ate more regularly. As I've gotten older, those more extreme urges have lessened and I mostly find some days I scrutinize food choices or calorie consumption more than others. Nevertheless, body image issues remained a constant.

I should mention that I struggle with depression and anxiety, social anxiety specifically, meaning fear of judgement is an onerous specter which plagues every decision I make and filters my perceptions with, at times crippling, self doubt and criticism. It ebbs and flows in intensity, some days I feel great about my body and there are others where I feel like an unworthy piece of crap who shouldn't burden people with the mere site of her. Suffice to say, the psychological aspects of this fetish are incredibly complex for someone like me.

I'd love to have a feeder girlfriend to encourage me to eat what I want and however much I want, but I know that can never be a reality (save for intense and successful therapy or perhaps a brain injury which magically cures me of my anxiety). I suppose I reconcile the fantasy with that which can never be by reading the stories on here (though a number of those pose some difficulties as well, given the sexist and problematic tropes prevalent in some stories) and clothes padding to look/feel bigger at least temporarily. There's a certain degree of confusion when contending with this kink and those moments of shame and/or panic when I weigh a pound more than I did the day before.

Ultimately I think it's a conflict I'll always deal with, one which makes me feel like I don't belong in this community or even on this website. However, it's certainly nice to know I'm not alone in difficulties reconcialing this kink with experiences of body dysmorphia.

My apologies for the long ramblings!

qtpie8124:
I meant to change the title, maybe body dysmorphia and kink would be better.

So I chat to some folks online and someone requested a video of me doing some situps and squats. I was able to complete them with minor struggle but the playback horrified me. I couldn't believe how fat I looked and I immediately started to cry, panic attack, hyperventilation etc. Before the pandemic I worked out five times a week and was so much more active. I felt strong and capable in my body. Seeing myself on camera like that made me realize, I think, that I really don't want to actually gain and I felt like a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I had been telling myself it's ok to indulge because of this kink, tying to love the belly because I felt like I was supposed to feel good about it because of the kink, and I guess I did in the moment. And I respect other people's decisions to go the whole nine yards but fuck it just hit me how fat I'd become and how much I was letting myself go...for sexual gratification. Which is like everyone's wet dream for obvious reasons but I am obviously not ready to keep going down whatever road I'm on.

How do people balance not wanting to actually gain, having teasing, humiliation kinks around weight gain, a belly fetish, and the psychological aspects of this? Has anyone had experience with body dysmorphia and this kink?

Feedmesqueezeme:
I understand what you mean and have even felt that way myself. I love fat and gaining and have gained almost 100lbs over 7 years; which I know isn’t quick. I feel I sometimes get sucked into listening to what other people want for my body; with comments like, “you’d look great at 350lbs, why don’t you gain another 10lbs etc),
especially since I post photos and I am relatively active in the community.

It can be difficult when it gives me such sexual gratification but I find I have to regularly step back and remember what I want. At the end of the day you have to live in your body. For me I regularly go to the gym and eat relatively healthy as I found a lot of my body dysmorphia was intensified by back pain and generally feeling sluggish from eating junk food.

I still try and indulge and stuff occasionally but I am really trying to unlearn the cycle of binge eating and enjoying getting fatter then feeling awful and trying to eat low calorie, unsustainable diets on repeat. It’s a slow process but you have to do what is best for you at the end of the day.