Lifestyle tips

Hi. Just for some context I’m a feedee and 100% certain of this. I’ve been into the idea of me being on the heavier side and being softer since i could remember. The problem is that I’m stuck in this mental steel trap and can’t bring myself to actually start gaining. Gaining has always been a difficult topic for me. I know I want to be bigger, be softer, and be more cuddly and I love the idea but some days i love it and other days it makes me feel sick and I hate the idea. I’ve been extremely underweight my entire life and actually gaining would mean my weight gain would be much more obvious to my friends and my family, and I know they’ll judge me for my weight gain and will make it a topic. I’ve tried gaining a small amount intentionally but I still run into a brick wall, feeling sick that I’m doing this to myself and hating myself afterwards, and I end up doing and gaining nothing. I’m not sure how to navigate through this problem in my head or how to change my perspective on gaining permanently so that I can gain without hating myself for doing it and being afraid of what others would think of me. I’ve tried looking up advice for this online and a lot of the advice, like “wait until you’re older for it” or “just gain a small amount and see how you like it” aren’t really helpful. Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this? I’m tired of having a constant mental battle with myself over my body image and what i want to do with my weight. Any advice on how to commit and fight the second thoughts would be great.

You mention you're extremely underweight. Why would your loved ones judge you for gaining when you are underweight? Not even to get fat, but just to have a normal bmi?

They likely wouldn’t judge me for it, however they’re very incessant on knowing how much I’ve gained and what my weight has been while I’ve been away at college. To add to this they are a bit on the more insensitive side so I’m more than certain that they’ll quickly notice I haven’t stopped gaining even though I hit a bmi considered overweight for my height, and will say something inconsiderate or insulting.

Plus I don’t really like to or want to think about their encouragement and the idea of using it to motivate me. Many people consider this either a fetish or a sexual orientation but either way I’m certain you could understand that picturing them in relation to this makes me feel uncomfortable. If anything it discourages me and makes me feel disgusted with myself if I have them in mind when I think about gaining.

I'm empathetic considering we used to be in the same boat. I was rather underweight for most of my life. I was 110 - 115 lbs at 5'7". My mom had it in here head this was the perfect weight for me even though I was rather underweight.

I wasn't a fan of my weight and tended to get sick a lot. For me, gaining weight was both for the kink and me just hating my size.

I put on 5 lbs and was happy about it. I was just on the edge of a normal range. My mom freaked out and fat shamed me even though I was far from it.

I craved in and lost the weight. I felt more miserable than ever. Eventually, I just decided that my mother was insane, and I do not need her opinion about this.

I decided to gain weight and ignore her. It was hard. She'd pick at me every moment she got. I had to stand my ground. Eventually, she got the message and hasn't talked about it since.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you, I'm conflicted and if I go for it I expect to reach 400 lbs minimum

I think the best thing is to find a relationship that fits your fetish so that you can be accompanied.
Especially since you are in the United States there are many feeders.

Anyway I think it's only a matter of time before you fall in one day you take a little weight without meaning to and you will give in maybe