Vent

Joined 5 years

FriendlyLurker:
The thing with women is we might get a lot of matches, but they're not all quality matches. So we can have tons of matches but still feel just as frustrated as men with few because most of them will be men casting a wide net instead of being genuinely interested in us as people.

I would tend to agree, but, if I were to reply from a guy’s perspective, I would have to say that it’s hard for us to understand. More specifically, when a girl goes out, there will often be more than one guy trying to flirt with her over the course of an evening, regardless of the setting/venue. On the flip side, there are very few guys who will ever go out and find one girl, let alone more than one, who will initiate flirting. So, I think (if only my opinion) that one gender does not relate to the other on this level. When someone is always being flirted up (often a girl) it’s easier to be choosier. To that end, a guy may often think that he’s got to come up with something very quickly to impress, or, he will not have another chance.

As I write this, I realize that such behavior may make us (guys) look like idiots or desperate, but that’s not always the case. It may just be that we have been conditioned to believe that a girl won’t see the real person in us if we dont have some “game” right from the beginning

Kind of a messed up situation, no?

2 years

Vent

Munchies

Joined 3 years

FriendlyLurker:
The thing with women is we might get a lot of matches, but they're not all quality matches. So we can have tons of matches but still feel just as frustrated as men with few because most of them will be men casting a wide net instead of being genuinely interested in us as people.

Nycfa:
I would tend to agree, but, if I were to reply from a guy’s perspective, I would have to say that it’s hard for us to understand. More specifically, when a girl goes out, there will often be more than one guy trying to flirt with her over the course of an evening, regardless of the setting/venue. On the flip side, there are very few guys who will ever go out and find one girl, let alone more than one, who will initiate flirting. So, I think (if only my opinion) that one gender does not relate to the other on this level. When someone is always being flirted up (often a girl) it’s easier to be choosier. To that end, a guy may often think that he’s got to come up with something very quickly to impress, or, he will not have another chance.

As I write this, I realize that such behavior may make us (guys) look like idiots or desperate, but that’s not always the case. It may just be that we have been conditioned to believe that a girl won’t see the real person in us if we dont have some “game” right from the beginning

Kind of a messed up situation, no?

What you are describing is patriarchy and hegemonic masculinity. Within this social framework, the men are in charge, and the women are delicate prizes to be won.

In this dehumanizing system, men have to be something they are not in hopes to achieve success, and women are objects.

I do not say this to say that men are evil oppressors bent on subjegating women. Both men and women participate in upholding patriarchy all the time. Rather, I say this to provide clarity on the social constructs that most of us live in.

2 years

Vent

Nycfa

Joined 5 years

I do not believe I said any such thing. Either I did not express myself clearly, or, you mistook my meaning. I would attempt to qualify, however, I decline to do so at the risk of making myself the target of any further gratuitous and ad hominem attacks.

Thank you

2 years

Vent

Munchies

Joined 3 years

Nycfa:
I do not believe I said any such thing. Either I did not express myself clearly, or, you mistook my meaning. I would attempt to qualify, however, I decline to do so at the risk of making myself the target of any further gratuitous and ad hominem attacks.

Thank you

I did not accuse you of anything. I said that the system you are describing is patriarchy and hegemonic masculinity. I then proceeded to discuss these systems in more detail as well as the implications therein. Perhaps I was a bit too academic in my writing.

2 years

Vent

Nycfa

Joined 5 years

Thank you.

Perhaps I was not as clear as well. I may describe my thought better as follows: when I was in college, I had a buddy who all the girls thought was a cutie and wanted to be with him. He very often declined because he wanted something that wasn’t superficial. I never had that experience myself. But, it made me think that if one is seen in that way regardless of gender (I never was) it would probably be easier to wait for what you want, rather than … something else. I’m not sure how to finish that thought without worry that it will come out sounding wrong, but, if we understand each other, I hope you’ll know what I’m trying to say

2 years

Vent

Munchies

Joined 3 years

Nycfa:
Thank you.

Perhaps I was not as clear as well. I may describe my thought better as follows: when I was in college, I had a buddy who all the girls thought was a cutie and wanted to be with him. He very often declined because he wanted something that wasn’t superficial. I never had that experience myself. But, it made me think that if one is seen in that way regardless of gender (I never was) it would probably be easier to wait for what you want, rather than … something else. I’m not sure how to finish that thought without worry that it will come out sounding wrong, but, if we understand each other, I hope you’ll know what I’m trying to say

There's nothing wrong with waiting for the right partner to come along. A lot of people do it and are perfectly happy with it.

But there is also nothing wrong with persuing. Still, when you persue, you need to take care not to objectify the other person. A lot of the poor interactions people have is due to a lack of basic respect and decency.

I don't wish to poo-poo the struggles your friend had. I am sure they were traumatizing for him. But, when it comes to women (cis and trans), there's a certain level of violence we have to navigate as well.

If a man desires a woman, and she rejects him for whatever reason, she's taking a big risk. Maybe he'll be respectful and step back. But there's a risk that he'll take it as a personal attack and retaliate.

Again, this is not to say men do not experience such things. I personally know some men who have experienced this at the hands of women or other men. But, due to how our society is, women are more likely to be victimized.

2 years

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