General

Hi guys/and gals

I'm an homosexual, close to be asexual, belly lover. But actually not just any kind of belly, just the ones sported by otherwise fit, effeminate guys. So I like fat twinks. I also have the fantasy of fattening one, to a certain degree.

And that's a problem, because it's unhealthy and, in my eyes, barely ethical. I don't want to shame you, just to say how I feel. And I definitely do not feel alright with this fetish. It has been poisoning my life.

I met this guy, a few years ago. He lives very far from my place. We were playing video games together. The first time I saw him, I thought he was perfectly my type. Over time, we developped a seemingly good friendship. But since I was very ashamed of my sexual attraction, and he seemed to be okay with it, I developped an obsession for him. I would derive pleasure from him saying he skipped the gym, made a meal, gained weight (something I asked him twice) or had to buy new pants.

Eventually, I outed myself to him. I thought he already knew I was attracted to him, but he claimed he was completely oblivious. This broke me. I then proceeded to try to convince him he was gay (the guy was in an unhappy couple with his gilrfriend since I met him). This backfired majorly. I came to see him in his country (it was already planned) and he ejected me from his place after a few days. He stopped talking to me.

This event outed me as at least a belly lover for all my close friends. It majorly struck me and made me reflect on my position in life.

I figured the only reason I was so obsessed by him was that I thought he accepted me and that we shared something. Well, there was also the fact that he was very attractive and his lifestyle was easy to caricature into a feedism fantasy... The fact he took 10 kilos between the moment I first met him and the moment we saw each other again was just the icing on the cake.

But the heart of the matter is that I don't want to make someone else suffer the same kind of toxic relationship I made this guy (and myself!) live. The solution would be to either reform myself to downsize my fetish and widen my horizons or to accept myself and not feel like I need approval over this.

I guess this is why I turn to you. Can you relate with any of this? Do you have useful tips or words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading this anyway.

I think your major problem was here: "I then proceeded to try to convince him he was gay"

If you were with someone who was NOT gay, that's the first problem. Not the fetish. But then to press him further and try to tell him he IS gay, is an even bigger problem. Not the fetish.

Yes you need to accept yourself. You need to make sure the other person is actually into dating you and make your romantic interest very clear. Build an honest relationship and worry about the weight gain and fantasies once you have something properly established.

You are totally right! What I meant was that I acted in that way out of desperation and because I didn't accept myself. Solving that underlying issue, I hope, would make it less likely that I act like that in the future.

You can like what you like, but if you cannot respect people's boundaries, then you should not be in any kind of relationship.

I'm a sadistic domme. I love causing pain, and I love playing the evil feeder role. But I don't force my kinks on other people, and I respect boundaries.

Just as I cannot make you straight, you cannot make someone gay. That's not how sexualities work. You also cannot make people love you or be sexually attracted to people even if they are gay.

I'd suggest you sort yourself out before you get with anyone else. I commend you for being self aware enough to realize you've been toxic. That means you can get better.

You may benefit from talking to a therapist too.

Well, thanks, I already saw a therapist and recognized the error of my way. I also forgave myself for the way I acted.

Rightly or not, I linked the attitude
I had to my fetish, which is why I came here. Some of my friends encourage me to fet rid of it and to widen my views, that is to date fit men and not dream of them becoming fatter, others tend to understand me and to say there is nothing wrong with who I am.

Basically, that's my way of "sorting myself out".

Nothing wrong with enjoying a wide variety of body types. I know I do. 😉

I would like to offer some advice as a person who has been in her fair share of toxic/abusive relationships (not all sexual/romantic).

Identifying and stopping toxic behavior is a good starting point, but that's just treating the symptoms so to speak. You also need to understand *why* you're doing it. Unresolved personal issues can manifest in many behaviors - not all of them toxic. Last thing you want is to fix one problem on to have another one to deal with later.

Thanks, that's more helpful than scolding me for what I already know. Though my first message might have lacked clarity on where I was on my path.

My hypothesis was that I did act that way (being obsessed with someone and then trying to force him to act a certain way to conform my expectations of him) because I wasn't secure with myself, and that most of this self loathing came from the same source that caused the obsession in the first place : my rejection or shame about my sexuality.

I could be wrong. It could be something else entirely. But the purpose of my presence here was to exchange with FA to see if others had similar experiences and could help me with acceptance or in any way.

Maybe I can ask what happened in those toxic relationships of yours, if you are willing to share.

You didn't mention that at all. And that's why I said what I said.

As to what happened, I was abused growing up. Got into some disfuctional relationships until I took a long break from dating. Endured more abuse from my mother as an adult until about 3 years ago. I'm finally safe.

These revelations of yours are likely part of it, but they don't paint the full picture. You know you're insecure, but you don't know why you are insecure. Nor do you know why you are still holding onto that feeling of insecurity.

Self reflection is a painful process sometimes, but you gotta dig deep to start feeling better.

My bad, then. I focused so much on the context, as it still torments me, in the sense that I often think about it, that I left aside what I learned from it and how I went from there to where I am.

Except being bullied as a child and having an overprotective mother, I can’t really think about an abuse which would have had a profound impact on myself. I don’t think therapy has been that effective so far to discover one, and it already costed a lot, so I’m a bit left to my own devices. I could resume therapy, but I’m not very confident of my current therapist and I’d like to use the money for other things eventually.

It could be that. It could be something else. That's what self-reflection is all about. And you may not sort it out immediately. Might take a few days or even weeks. Sometimes the mind refuses to look at the inner turmoil and blackness of the heart out of self-protection. And sometimes, your first take is correct, but you have to explore it

Therapy is rather pricy and not everyone can afford it. If you don't vibe with your therapist, you can get a new one. But if you can't afford it, you may want to teach yourself the techniques a therapist would have you do.

I would advise you to be leery of the self-help genre. I'm not against it as a concept, but it can be rife with ... problematic takes mostly focus on surface level stuff.