Fat experiences

I will start by way of an introduction of things I know about myself - I am female-to-male transgender, which I realised some time in my mid-twenties. I am femme as fucque, which does mean that self knowledge was hard won. In contrast, I knew since some of my earliest memories that I found fat appealing and wanted to be fatter. It is one of the oldest and most unchanging parts of my identity I can claim.

I think that that is part of the reason it took me so long to understand how I felt about my own gender. Figuring out my place in social convention with an adult body that was not quite right had the blow significantly softned by the way it gracefully yet hurriedly grew from chubby, to plump, to definitely fat, and never showed signs of knowing when to stop. I was delighted by this, but underwhelmed with the straight male FAs I dated who saw neither the spark of gender rebellion in my eyes, nor the uncontrollable urge to get a belly on. I was attracted to men but didn't feel remotely straight about it.

Realising I would much rather have inhabited a body I and others saw as a man rather than be seen as a woman hit me like a ton of bricks. The so far fruitless quest for feedist companions was put on the back burner to work out what this meant. I was delighted to learn that it wasn't all that uncommon for other trans men to still want to play with the trappings of femininity, only this time on our terms. Same for non-binary identities being increasingly understood, and it was freeing to suddenly find myself meeting hundreds of people locally who felt the same way about gender, despite an upbringing that suggested that sort of thing was unspeakably rare.

I struggled to put together what realising I wasn't a woman meant for my fantasies (all fat related), though, in which I had thought of myself as a woman for a long time - perhaps not always, but certainly it had developed into it. Whilst the very core gaining urges have persisted since I remember much of anything, the usual sorts of outside influences shaped some of the ways I thought about myself. Once I was in an environment where I could properly accept being into feedism, I started to try to dissect many of them. Not wanting to change them, I simply wished to know why.

Now I am going to talk about fat kinks in the teasing/degradation/humliation lane, for reasons that will eventually converge. Whilst I have no evidence as such, I have quite a strong suspicion that an inherent and non-negotiable love of fatness, and wanting to be fat, coupled with the outside world giving very little but negative messages about fat, is quite a good recipe for some such fat kinks - those that to outsiders may seem negative towards fatness. I'm not alone in being unequivocally admiring of fatness and respectful of people's fat experiences, but finding that anything from playful teasing to utmost humilation is among the most titillating thoughts - I opine based on how many actual fat liberation people I've talked to with these kinks (receiving), that if you have examined your intentions sufficiently, it has sod all to do with fat hatred. Playing out the same scenarios that told us something intrisic about ourselves was wrong is some people's particular way of healing a trauma, another thing that can be done on our own terms to make what was once confusing very pleasurable.

Also, it would absolutely rile the people who wanted you to feel bad in the first place that we made it feel so good.

It gradually dawned on me that for similar reasons, thinking of myself as a woman during sexual fantasies does not preclude me from being a transgender man. In fact it made a great deal of sense. Again, not believing in gendered body standards at all, the excitement of "failing" traditional female beauty standards ought've given me a clue to my feelings sooner. In particular, my belly outgrowing my one noticable breasts to take centre stage is something I love having noticed, the penny drop of the association with androgyny happened later. The most conneccted feeling is really when somebody is far more attentive to the size of my belly than what gender I might be.

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To my disappointment, my gut didn't outpace the size of my breasts enough to just pass as a fat man with no questions asked. However, in the time of working all this out, something happened. Almost without noticing my body had been getting fatter rather slowly, but never ever really stopping. By the time I noticed, I had stopped taking photos of my gain as I felt like I was going nowhere. I was considering chest reduction surgery, but remain unconvinced that I could guarantee keeping nipple sensation, which I'm just sticking with for now. Sporadic but ongoing dalliances with testosterone therapy had given me a more luxurious voice that I felt at home with, and a delightful jutting of new belly fat. My breasts were also bigger with general weight gain, but I felt somehow more at peace with their size. After all, I was now what felt to me like *properly* fat. I looked good in a bikini. My body was more "right" than it had been in years.

I am learning with age that I have to feel at peace with people's perceptions. So often it is not worth my time to correct people who see me and think I'm a woman, if they are not likely to ever see me again. There is a lot of comfort that I now am not really lonely regarding both being trans and understanding a deep love of being fat. Knowing people who understand these aspecs of me spurs me on. And there is one thing I dreamed of from the start which has come true in terms of perception. Nearly everyone sees me as fat. And that feels immense and wonderful, and inspiring to continue making it more obvious.

I am very interested in other's experiences of where gender euphoria and feeling at home in your body while trans has intersected with gaining. Any other thoughts welcome.

This is a very important text. Because it's really hard to explain this to partners.
In my experience of dating cis guy that was impossible to get him to know that I am a GUY as well as him. Then I need to add all of the stuff which sets me opposed from traditional male gender role. I like feminine fashion which sadly make me look like a female because of my body shape. So it's really hard for me to be to be rebellious man-fashionista. And like a cherry on a cake, I also need to add that during arousal/sexual activity I feel (and enjoy it) very feminine. I'm a subby femme whore (english.exe broke) during the time.
And in fedist way I'd like to gain a soft pear-shaped figure. So in a public eye I'm just being inconsistent and opposing in my gender-perception statements.🥲

It's sad that I can't just be comfortable me, like cis males, because I probably always shall need to argue about it😔.

Why do you associate being fat with masculinity? I do not. I see it more neutral. I mean if you feel more masculine as a man as fat that is.

Seeing as we are both cis, we might see and experience things differently than trans people - especially trans-masc people.

Thank you Munchies, I appreciate your reminder of that perspective.

I would also say - take notice of every time masculinity or femininity is associated with fat, it is common for people to associate it with either, and cisgender people are just as likely to have a personal concept of fat that aligns with one of these. For example, "muscular or thin man/curvaceous woman" and "larger man/smaller woman" are both common themes in heterosexual relationship goals, fictitious representations etc., and more exaggerated versions exist in fatsexual circles. Masculinity and fatness is also associated in gay bear culture, for another example.

My own experiences in my post are more of comfort in fatness with being perceived as both masculine, or feminine. Some of the kink-related perceptions are those that reflect unintentional self preservation tactics, and not my true feelings. Which are that fat can be whatever you want it to be, including deliciously androgynous!