General

If it's causing you that much harm, I would recommend seeking a therapist.

I said what I said.

I recommended you look into this the last time we spoke. It seems you did not heed my advice.

Not an armchair psychiatrist here, but finding out the 'frustrating' part of your fetish is a good place to start.
From there, it may make sense of what it is you are looking to explore/solve/learn about yourself.
Good luck.

Gotta love necroposting.

Sweetie, OP deleted his account ages ago.