General

Most regular users of the site, I think, have been ghosted from time to time. Conversations that start out in a promising way quite often end up going nowhere (for no discernible reason) to such an extent that the expected outcome of most interactions here and on rival sites is ghosting.

Having been at the wrong end of a particularly extreme incident of ghosting within the last week, I thought that it might be worthwhile to share experiences of such episodes, such that we might, perhaps, all help each other to identify red flags and otherwise improve our understanding of the motivations involved.

First of all, a clarification. I regard ghosting as suddenly and without warning or explanation ending all contact after a substantial period of established regular and at least somewhat intimate communication. I do not regard not responding to a first message as ghosting, nor a brief conversation trailing off, nor an interaction that was clearly (to both parties) intended from the outset to be short-term coming to its natural end. It is also not ghosting to end contact after one or the other side has behaved reprehensibly, in the view of the person ending communication, and that person has, before ending the communication, made it clear that he/she believes that the other has behaved reprehensibly. In that case, the person with whom communication has been ended is left in no doubt as to the reason for the communication to have ceased, and it is thus not without warning or explanation.

I will start with the recent example, and then give a brief account of a much older example. Both of the examples are much abridged, so much detail will be lost.

The recent example was this: a user of this site, a woman in her early 30s from the USA, with a profile that had been established for 3 years on this site, contacted me in chat. I was not looking at the chat at the time, so I missed the message, so she sent me a message instead, saying that she liked the part of my profile that said that I am looking for the kind of person who would like to go for a long walk and then eat so much that she can barely move. We kept missing each other on chat and exchanged a few messages about what we were looking for. We eventually met up in chat and had a good conversation.

She said that she had talked to quite a number of people on this website, but that she had lost interest quickly because they were too extreme: she was keen on maintaining an active lifestyle (she was fond of hiking, for example) and wanted to gain a somewhat limited but still fairly substantial amount of weight. She also said that she had been talking to one person and was about to meet him when she discovered that he was married; she had contemplated going through with it, but had decided against it in the end. In all the 3 years that she had been here, she had not actually gained any weight as she wanted to do that with somebody and had not found anyone yet.

We started communicating offsite using an open-source messaging protocol called Element that I had recommended and that she had downloaded just to talk to me.

I had stated in one of my early messages that I was looking for somebody local. She had then stated that her job was one that did not require her to be in any particular location and that she would be prepared to relocate if she met the right person - she later (after we had talked more) talked about coming to London for three months to meet up and explore gaining and feeding with me. I briefly wondered whether she was some sort of financial scammer, but that did not fit: she made clear that she was fairly wealthy, that she would be paying her way and renting an apartment rather than expecting me to put her up and even said that her paying for her part of the meals that we ate was important to her and part of her fantasies. I had suggested that it would be unwise for her to plan such a long trip with us never having met, and suggested that we meet briefly first; she replied that that seemed like a good idea, and would consider a long week-end to "feel each other out". She asked what my intentions would be after the three months, and I said that I would seriously consider a long-term relationship if we got on really, really well. She said that she would consider that, too, but that, even if not, we would have a fun erotic adventure in those three months.

She was evidently very much into submission/domination, with her taking the submissive part. I had told her in an early message that I was happy to engage in a sort of playful dominance in the bedroom, but that I liked a strong, independent woman and that I was not into controlling somebody's entire life.

TBC (character limit)

Over the course of a week or so, while she was on holiday with her friends, we talked at considerable length and exchanged some extremely erotic fantasies. I will spare the detail, but I will note that, of all the people that I have ever, that is, in over 20 years, talked to in this community, these were some of the most intense and eroic fantasies that I have ever known. She had ideas that I had not even realised were erotic to me until she suggested them. I would often describe a fantasy scenario on the proposed 3 month adventure, and she would finish the story in the same vein and with much aplomb. I came to realise that some of the submission/domination fantasies that she enjoyed could be more erotic than I had imagined, although I am still not up for actually controlling somebody's real life.

On the external app (Element) that we used for talking, we both had profile pictures showing our full faces, and it was clear that she was extremely pretty. She sent some photographs of her wearing various outfits during our conversations, and these pictures, higher quality than her profile picture, showed her to be really very attractive indeed.

I had stated once or twice that there's always a risk in disappointment from meeting somebody in real life to whom one had been conversing online, and urged caution, suggesting that we might perhaps try a video call. She had said that she could not do it on holiday without alerting her friends (none of them had the slightest clue that she was into any of this - it is the same with my friends), but said that she would set up a video call after getting back from holiday.

Over the course of a week, we had regular long, intense conversations, about fantasies, but also about other things - holiday destinations, taste in clothing, political views; but we had always messaged each other when it suited us and neither had ever demanded an instant response or become needy when one was not forthcoming, although we had always let the other know if, when in a long and immediate convesation, the other was about to leave to do something else. She was always upbeat.

She had finished her holiday last Sunday, and had had a five hour drive back. We had talked at length on what was for her the Sunday morning before she said that she had to go, and she encouraged me to send her messges while she was driving home for her to read on the way back. She did not in fact respond again on the Sunday. On what was for her the Monday morning, she had sent an e-mail saying that she would be very busy to-day with an e-mail backlog, but we exchanged a brief conversation (I was also busy on Monday).

Just before I left work on Monday, I replied to one of her messages about one of the various fantasies (she wanted me to pick wigs for her to wear, so I had found some), and then added another message asking her to let me know when would be a good time to set up a video chat as it would be a joy to hear her voice rather than just use text. I then sent her a couple of pictures of London looking lovely in the sunshine, as she had earlier encouraged me to send pictures of things.

I had a message from her shortly after I got home,

"What a beautiful day and a lovely hairstyle" (the latter referring to the conversation about the wigs). 18 minutes later, I replied - but she never read that message, nor a further message that I sent her that evening on a different topic. I then discovered that she had deleted her profile here - a profile that she had had for 3 years. She must have deleted Element, too.

***

The older example was this. This is a useful example because there was some contact *after* the initial ghosting that might give some, albeit limited, insight. I had met someone from this site after she (with a fairly minimal profile) had messaged me. We discussed various fantasies (she described me at one point as her "sexual alter ego", and we met up for a date. She had said that she had met a few people from the site before, but that they had pushed her to eat plates and plates of food on their first meeting, and she had wanted to get to know people first. So, I just took her to an ordinary restaurant and we talked and got to know each other.

She was quite keen on meeting again after the first date, so we booked afternoon tea at a place that I knew had especially generous portions of cake. She deliberately wore the tightest dress that she owned, and ate enough cake that she was struggling by the end and had to wait a while before getting up, and then walked very slowly once outside (she was normally a fast walker). She very much enjoyed it when we found a place to sit down and I massaged her rather full middle. I invited her back to the flat where I lived at the time, but she declined - indicating that this would happen next time.

TBC (character limit)

We continued to talk and arranged the next date. But then she suddenly ceased all contact (she had been accustomed to text me fairly regularly throughout the day), and would not reply even when I asked her to confirm the date. So, I cancelled the booking.

About a year later, she texted me again, apologising for what happened before, saying that she "panicked" (without further explanation). I realised that I could not really trust her for any serious relationship, but I might still get some mutual erotic enjoyment from the liaison, so we met up for another date, although this was not as fun as the last one that we had been on. Unfortunaetly, at that time, I was temporarily living with my parents - I had bought a house and was having it refurbished before I moved in. After the date, she had said to contact her again when I had moved into my house. I did this - but she replied in a vague way making clear that she had lost interest. I later worked out from her Facebook posts that she had probably met someone else in the interim - someone who was later to become her husband - and although she had fantasised about gaining quite a lot of weight, she never in fact did so.