General

Seven8the9:
I'm at a crossroads and am looking for insight/advice.

My husband (we've known each other 8+ years) is not an FA. I'm a large woman of 246lb, and short. I also have medical conditions that make gaining weight easy and losing hard, despite medical intervention.

I confirmed this by reading his journals in which he writes about not being attracted to me when we first met (I was 20lb lighter then). And how he worries about my health. And how I've tried so many things to lose weight, but not "the obvious" of working out and "just going to the gym". He also wrote extensively of wanting an athletic partner. How it's a must for him.

It gets a bit more complicated.

I KNOW that reading his journal was wrong, and I have not in all the 8+ years. However, we are trying to conceive, with me going through fertility treatment right now. I decided to go against my morals and read the journal, to see if he truly felt ready and willing to have kids. I guess look, and you will find...

Ironically, he didn't mention any hesitations in the journal over trying for kids.

I have my own long history of body image issues, and now this is compounded by learning of his true feelings about my weight. Not to mention the weight I may gain during and after pregnancy. He's a fit guy. He's known about my weight issue, self image issues, and non-athleticism for our entire relationship. I truly thought he was an FA, but now I see he was envisioning me as "lithe and healthy" in the future.

Our sex life is good; emotionally and romantically, we are great.

It's just this one BIG area that hurts like open wound.

Do I tell him I read his journal? Do we put off having kids? It feels obvious that we should for now. Do I tell him about my desire to BE desired for my fatness? These are huge things to consider... and what was feeling like a strong bond between us now feels pretty much at risk.

Really would appreciate any advice, even if it calls me out on my shortcomings in this situation.

Seven8the9:
I'm at a crossroads and am looking for insight/advice.

My husband (we've known each other 8+ years) is not an FA. I'm a large woman of 246lb, and short. I also have medical conditions that make gaining weight easy and losing hard, despite medical intervention.

I confirmed this by reading his journals in which he writes about not being attracted to me when we first met (I was 20lb lighter then). And how he worries about my health. And how I've tried so many things to lose weight, but not "the obvious" of working out and "just going to the gym". He also wrote extensively of wanting an athletic partner. How it's a must for him.

It gets a bit more complicated.

I KNOW that reading his journal was wrong, and I have not in all the 8+ years. However, we are trying to conceive, with me going through fertility treatment right now. I decided to go against my morals and read the journal, to see if he truly felt ready and willing to have kids. I guess look, and you will find...

Ironically, he didn't mention any hesitations in the journal over trying for kids.

I have my own long history of body image issues, and now this is compounded by learning of his true feelings about my weight. Not to mention the weight I may gain during and after pregnancy. He's a fit guy. He's known about my weight issue, self image issues, and non-athleticism for our entire relationship. I truly thought he was an FA, but now I see he was envisioning me as "lithe and healthy" in the future.

Our sex life is good; emotionally and romantically, we are great.

It's just this one BIG area that hurts like open wound.

Do I tell him I read his journal? Do we put off having kids? It feels obvious that we should for now. Do I tell him about my desire to BE desired for my fatness? These are huge things to consider... and what was feeling like a strong bond between us now feels pretty much at risk.

Really would appreciate any advice, even if it calls me out on my shortcomings in this situation.

Seven8the9:
Thank you. I appreciate you all saying what you have, as it validates my feelings.

I do agree that going to the gym/working out elsewhere would be good for general health.

I can't help feel betrayed or led on. In his dating profile, it said his preference was larger women. That's one of the main reasons I messaged him. When I asked him about this early on, thinking it was flirting on the idea that he was an FA, he said that he was just trying to get more responses to his dating profile. And that he likes fit-thick women. Which I'm not and never was.

Pregnancy obviously will come with bodily changes, during and after... all of which I thought he would relish in but now I feel very insecure.

Seven8the9:
Thank you. I appreciate you all saying what you have, as it validates my feelings.

I do agree that going to the gym/working out elsewhere would be good for general health.

I can't help feel betrayed or led on. In his dating profile, it said his preference was larger women. That's one of the main reasons I messaged him. When I asked him about this early on, thinking it was flirting on the idea that he was an FA, he said that he was just trying to get more responses to his dating profile. And that he likes fit-thick women. Which I'm not and never was.

Pregnancy obviously will come with bodily changes, during and after... all of which I thought he would relish in but now I feel very insecure.

Delta9:
I will never understand why people keep private journals. They're literally just asking for someone to read it. I mean, you know your own thoughts and feelings inside your head, so why would you need to write it down; unless you wanted someone to read it then say "how dare you invade the privacy of my own thoughts."

That aside, I think the real question is can two people who are not each other's ultimate desire of attraction form a happy, healthy, and stable relationship together? There are only so many 10s in the world. The fact that he had to put that on his profile to get a date with someone, anyone, means he knew he was going to have to and was willing to settle for something less than his ultimate desire.
Are you still attracted to him? You must have been in the beginning since you messaged him. Did you really think you were going to get everything perfect with no downsides? I think he accepts the fact that you are and will probably always be fat. Maybe he doesn't love it, but he accepts it and has for the last eight years. I don't love that my car is old, slow, and leaking oil. But I do accept it because it's reliable, paid for, and I don't have to worry about scratching the paint.
Ultimately, I think this is necessarily how most relationships will end up. Finding a balance and stability with someone who wasn't really our first choice. The difference is most of us don't journal about it to tell our partners.