Gaining

So, OP was a big name in feedist spaces back in the day. He even had a website called Ask Dr. Feeder where he'd give advice, post challenges, etc. etc. (Iirrc, he took down the site due to hosting costs.) Some of his advice is solid and others ...

I digress.

Anywho, back in the day, he made a list called "How to Get Fat." Towards the bottom of the list, he championed befriending fat people as a good way to get fat. He states that you'll feel better about your gain around fat people versus thin people which has ... some questionable implications.

Here's an archived version of the page so you know I'm not making shit up:

web.archive.org/web/20110312093353/http://askdrfeeder.dyndns.org/htgf.html

As you can see, this page is over a decade long. It's the inverse of popular diet advice at the time which was to befriend thin people to help lose weight.

theguardian.com/news/blog/2007/jul/26/thelatestweig1

This is also incredibly bad advice for the exact same reasons and then some. But no one, as far as I can tell, checked either line of thinking until rather recently. I'm not saying this to excuse what he posted (because really, man?). Instead, I am saying this to get a better understanding of why he had such a bad take.

The 2000s and the 2010s were even more fatphobic than things are today. Diet culture had us thinking that anyone wearing a size M was a land whale. But even back then, real friends treated each other with mutual respect, and most people were not befriending thin people just to lose weight.

Still, feedist spaces were more counter-cultural than they are now, and many people had a reactionary stance on most topics. In the present day, thanks to fat activists' hard work, we have the space to scrutinize some of the more detrimental dogmas in this space.

I'm not dogmatic about any of this. Most of my advice on my old site was the best I could come up with 16 years ago.

Back then, there was very little info on feedism and most of that was really bad. (Many didn't even believe female feedists existed--they thought there were only predatory male feeders and their victims. At the same time, some feeders WERE predatory (still are!). And some feedists attacked me for even suggesting that such feeders existed or that there could ever be any downsides to feedism.)

I'd be astonished if no progress had been made since then.

My site was a strange animal. I originally meant it to be entertainment, but then I started getting some serious emails from people struggling with challenges related to feedism. I tried to step up my game and give them good advice. I believe I did pretty well, but of course it wasn't always perfect. Whose advice is? Anyway, I got a lot of positive feedback about the advice I did give.

As I said there was very little information back then. For awhile there I was getting more email than I could answer!

But after awhile I was not the only game in town, and people could get much broader advice and personal stories than I could ever provide. So I was happy to retire the site and let others take over. Occasionally I stick my oar in to current conversations, but even these days I am not necessarily right, and even my better advice does not apply to everyone.

But even these days there is almost no hard data on feedism and we're all largely shooting in the dark. And there's still a lot of bad advice out there. For example, I talked to one woman a couple of years ago who want to gain but all the people she talked with were so full of crap she couldn't figure out what to believe. I was able to help her, and she's still grateful.

Feel free to challenge anything I've written. Honest discussion on these points is the only way forward. I'd rather you didn't trash me personally, but go ahead if you must.

Times change, tastes change, culture changes.

That said, I really valued OPs writing in the space, from back when he was TR, I believe. His work, especially for the time, was compassionate and open-minded.

On this site, I have seen nothing from him to change my opinion. He is open to dialogue, and when he misspeaks, he acknowledges it.

It disappoints me how intense this site has gotten when it comes to rancor. People with anger issues would, I think, be better served by therapy, rather than wasting their time publicly thought-policing every trivial discussion. I realize some people actually get off on this behavior, but that's really even worse, like masturbating on a city bus. Self-awareness is a great thing.

Acknowledging and disavowing terrible behavior that damages the space is laudable. Calling out microaggressions is often laudable. But after your target has stepped back, step off. Try to be aware of yourself and others. And if you're doing it just to get your kicks, or if you cause a fight to continue after it's over just because of your own compulsions and lack of self-control, your need to rub in your pathos to try and kindle battle, it really ruins the good you are ostensibly trying to do.

I'm not trashing you personally. I save that for those who have wronged me personally, and that is far more explosive, passionate, and vindictive than even Nok has witnessed before.

Instead, I am providing some insight and nuance into a situation seeing that some people were confused about your thought process.

I am simply pointing out that this is a long held-belief of yours that is - to a degree - a product of its time.

As a fat admirer, we do have our share of stigma. Not as often compared to someone who is overweight, but it does happen sometimes. Especially when people who use labels like “delusional” or “cringe” because of what we are into.

Now for me personally I try to surround myself with friends who treat everyone equal. So far the people I told who I trusted enough that I like larger women haven’t made a big fuss about it. So yay me! Plus things are a lot more easier for me to be open about it than it was before, especially thanks to the work from fat activists and the representation around.

But unfortunately there’s still that large crowd of conservatives and/or criticism that have been bashing plus size positivity now more than ever. Even when they use someone who’s dying (or already dead) from complications of obesity as a weapon up their sleeves! It’s makes things worse if it’s someone who was an activist or an influencer.

Hell, it’s probably one of the reasons why body positivity/acceptance has dwindled down lately. That, and maybe it’s also because some of people’s favourite activists aren’t really plus size no more. Take Adele or even Whitney Thore for example. Well maybe I’m over exaggerating a bit but yeah… the representation isn’t as relevant as it used to be.

It really can be quite the upsetting reality that people like me has to deal with. Like I know that I’m not THAT stupid! I’m very well aware that obesity isn’t always the healthiest, but at the same time people should live life in the moment now matter what’s been going on. However I try not to dwell on the matter so much, as well as not letting it stop me from liking who I find attractive.

But hey that’s just what I think, and what I have been going through as of late.

Wow people sure do suck! But hey I hope that you keep being you and look after your wellbeing. It’s always nice to have good people in your life who do respect you for what you like. I mean I always appreciate it when someone appreciates me for who I am now matter what I look like!

I mainly have friends who are the larger side, but honestly even my skinnier friends never treated me any different. These days though I don't have many friends that I hang out with on a daily basis, just because I'm introverted and prefer the company of my spouse more than the company of other people. I will say that the body positive movement has really come a long way since the 00's and 10's, but you're always going to have those people who claim that they "care about you" and think being obese is unhealthy. (Which of course if you're going to gain in a unhealthy way you're most likely going to get health issues.) In reality they only say they care about you just to further push you to lose weight by being fatphobic. Really it's similar to those who are transphobic too, they claim their "concerns" come from a place of being "caring" when in reality they have no clue what they're even talking about. They just want to push their ideology on others and don't want you to be happy with the body you have or are working on achieving.

Ehhh, I've always been fat, and I was outgoing in school, so I seemed to find my crew pretty easily. I also had friends among the thin popular group. I think because I was so unabashedly myself, I wasn't too much of a target for teasing. It's hard to tease someone who either doesn't care or enjoys it

As an adult, I'm by far the fattest of our social group. One friend was probably 160-175 and got into fitness. She is now super lean. Another blew up when he got a desk job and now sports a big pot belly. They're still the same people they've always been though, and my weight doesn't really come up unless we are going somewhere as a group, and they want to make sure I would be okay in the physical setting.

Sounds like you are lucky to have such great and loyal friends!

Oh, I consider myself very fortunate. We hear stories all the time in this community about spouses losing attraction due to weight gain, family nagging, random strangers criticizing. There have been a couple of times friends have had questions if I was out of breath, but I never perceived anything judgmental. I'm quite thankful for it.