Fatjanet:
*Trigger Warning: Mention of EDs*
I endured a relatively severe & untreated binge-restrict ED for the entirety of my middle + high school + college years. My lowest weight was ~115 back in 2014/2015, but I could never seem to get lower than that—even for a couple of years when my binge-restrict eating habits leaned more towards a main use of restriction, almost to the point of anorexia. I had severe body dysmorphia and hated my body for years and years. I have a pooch, as it's genetic, and it will never go away no matter how much I lose. I still had it at 115. Once I realized that, I continued to deny the natural state that my body is most comfortable, which is typically around 140.
Now, 10 years later, I moved to a new place and am finally able to start over, recover, and implement coping mechanisms I learned in years of therapy (for other things, not ED) back home. My new chapter has allowed me to truly find a sense of self-acceptance regarding my body's natural state at 130-140. With this self-acceptance, I have finally admitted my feederism kink to myself as valid and not something to be necessarily ashamed of having.
I have decided to gain some weight while I am still young. I do not plan to go above 180; but I have known my desire for this for as long as I can remember. I deserve to indulge my desire just a little bit. For the past month, I have been actively stuffing myself frequently, much of the time not acknowledging I was doing it on purpose. I would never binge on purpose. I am doing this on purpose.
For the past week or two, I have been not only seeing results, but I have expedited my gaining through finding this site and participating in mutual/feeder-based encouragement. Tracking calories, ordering a scale, and setting (SURPASSING) calorie goals are starting to be routine tasks for me. I have gone from 2500+ calories in a day to 3000+ calories in a day, to finally an intake of 4000+ calories in a day. I am certainly showing this shift through the way I show/feel my heaviness. There is so much more now. I can't wait to see my real weight, as it was 135 last month at the doctor's office. If you saw me, you'd know this is in no way accurate anymore.
All to say; I feel so good gaining weight. Denial is never a good thing, no matter what it is regarding. Addressing one's inner turmoil is so gratifying to do, no matter how difficult it may be. I haven't felt this comfy with myself in a very very long time. I love my growing chub.
Mental health is indeed paramount! Excellent to hear of your confidence now :-)
