Bellyblubber:
I remember the exact moment that it felt like something really changed about my brain chemistry.
I was in kindergarten and I was out to eat with my friend and her mom, and her mom said about her, āWow, Abigailās already eaten so much I bet her bellyās grown three times itās size!ā
I laughed, but then I thought about it. I just remember feeling really funny inside and kinda warm and confused. Even that young I started doing a little experimentation to try to find out why I felt that way, but I didnāt know why. However, I gradually learned what stimulated that feeling the best. By the time I learned what sex and sexuality were I was already head over heels for weight gain, stuffing, and bellies, exploring myself to them before I knew thatās what I was doing.
When I found out that what Iād been doing with myself to thoughts about my friends was inherently sexual, I was terrified. That led to me feeling guilty for having any sexual feeling about anything or anyone at all. After that it took me a while to think about sexuality again at all, but mental images of full bellies and cartoons with exaggerated stuffings and weight gain haunted me and occasionally broke me. It was years before I let myself feel this way again and started working on a healthier relationship with my desires.
This fetish is even the reason I realized my bisexuality. Eventually I had to start wondering why I never stopped imagining other women getting stuffed and gaining. At first I just assumed it was a representation of me, but when I started to realize how I felt seeing other girls in my class in those situations, had to admit that maybe I was different than a lot of other people in my southern community.
Nowadays Iām pretty comfortable with what I like, I just donāt feel comfortable letting people irl know about it. Iāve come to terms with my sexuality including these BIG parts of it, and Iām pretty happy and I donāt feel guilty for being the way I am anymore. More recently (a couple years ago), I even started embricing the part of me that always wanted to gain weight for myself. I never could because of life circumstances, fear of judgement, etc., but now Iām really enjoying it.
I think you raise a couple of notions that seems common for many of us.
First, for many of us, this thing occurs before puberty and often before we really understand sex or sexuality.
And second, as we move into puberty our thoughts and feelings about weight gain and fat and big bellies is often not merely confusing. Itās downright damaging. You feel shame and aloneness. You dare not mention your āpervertedā thoughts to anyone.
Thank goodness for this site and others like it. For me, I realized there were many others like me when I read an excerpt from Dimensions Magazine in Harpers Monthly. From there, the internet opened up a lot of this for me. Thank goodness.
