Lifestyle tips

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade now; we’re high school sweethearts and we’re getting married this summer. I’m so excited for this and I love her so much. However, she’s never liked this kink and actually calls it triggering. She grew up a fat kid and was subject to ridicule and constant scrutiny from adults all around her. When I met her in high school, she had tried every diet you can think of and was still a pretty chubby teen.

When I introduced the concept of feedism, I was the feeder and she was the feedee. At first, she was all about it, but then she had a health scare and wanted to quit cold turkey. She’s gone to therapy for her binge eating and has resulted in sticking to a diet and strict exercise regiment in order to lose the weight.

We’re both in our mid 20’s and are now finally going to live together after being long distance for years (Covid, I moved for work and school, it was rough but we made it through). Overtime, I realized that I wanted to be the one fattened up, and now that’s where I am: working on increasing my caloric intake and putting on weight. I’m 5 pounds shy of 200 and I hope to break that number by the wedding.

But as we get closer to the wedding, she’s been losing weight: almost 60 pounds in a year and a half. It’s impressive and I’m proud of her for accomplishing a goal she set forth, but now I’m kind of feeling a certain way. Truth be told I miss her when she was fatter. I liked the way she looked then more than now. And I’m proud of her accomplishment in achieving this goal of hers, but I’m hoping that once we start living together that she’ll start putting on the weight again.

Idk, maybe I’m being immature about this. All I know is that im about to marry the love of my life, and regardless of what she looks like, im sticking by her through thick and thin. Idk if I’m looking for advice or just a safe place to express my feelings. I’m so excited to share life with her, but how do I pursue my wants without hurting my partner? I’m at the point where bottling it up is becoming unbearable. And I don’t want to do anything unfaithful to my partner. I love her far too much for some kink to get in the way. But what do you do when a pillar of the healthy adult marriage is compromised by conflicting ideals?

You would benefit from therapy no matter how this turns out. Kink or not, it's not healthy to be distressed when your partner's body goals are different from your preferences.

You are not ready to get married. Point blank period. This is a recipe for resentment from both parties. Either the marriage won't last or it will be miserable. She has internalized fatphobia and you feel entitled to her body. Whether or not this is something you two can overcome depends on the both of you.

Don't do it, man. It's either your kink or your marriage.

You can utterly love someone and still not share a “kink”. The adult thing to do is to talk to them about it.

My wife does not share my sexual need for fat, but she knows who and what I am, and we have a mutual understanding.

Humans are sexual beings. Your sexuality is important to you, just as hers is. You need to have an honest conversation with her about this before the marriage and figure out how you can scratch this itch without asking her to gain weight or binge eat. If you're in a situation where you have to completely suppress your sexuality to be with your partner, you are going to build up resentment over time, and that is going to have some bad consequences later if you keep those emotions bottled up, probably tanking the relationship. Even if you think you're good at hiding your emotions, you aren't, and that's going to make her feel terrible as well.

It sounds like you're already starting to feel some, since you're already hoping for her diet to fail, or for her to lose motivation and gain weight back. You're putting yourself in a position where you are going to be disappointed and frustrated when she succeeds at what she needs for herself. Instead, you should assume the worst-case scenario for you is inevitable, that she will keep the weight off, and continue losing more until she is skinny, and stays that way into old age. You should also assume that your desires aren't going to change or grow less intense over time.

What then? Can you find a creative way for you to have your sexual needs met in this scenario while staying faithful? Possibly through roleplay? Whatever you figure out, you need to talk to her about it and make sure she is on board and you are both on the same page. You also don't want to develop a coping mechanism that she's going to be upset by if she finds out later on her own.

I'm going through something that's kind of similar if you squint. My wife of nearly 10 years (together 15) is going to start one of those new weight loss drugs this month. I am being supportive of her decision and have meal plans and options ready for her. I've listened to her goals and done research into what targets should be set/hit to get her there. I not leaving her over this, regardless of how this turns out.

That said, I do have my own feelings about, and thankfully I was already in therapy long before this decision was made.

We never had a feeder/feedee arrangement, but rather a dynamic that served her inclination to eat and my desire to make sure she had food and see her eat it. She'd ask for a large MCD's order and I'd skip out the front door with a huge smile to get it. I'd bring home a tub of peanut butter cups that she'd asked for and watch her binge almost the whole tub. Everybody happy.

Problem was we had never talked about it or how we felt while we were engaged in this dynamic. She seemed to enjoy eating whatever I'd brought so I didn't see the guilt and shame she felt. She saw me as a dutiful husband running errands for her, never imagining I could be feeling excited and aroused to pick up lunch.

Sorry for so much typing, but I'm here for support too. I can tell this stuff to my therapist but I think it will be different talking with people who really get it.

So I guess what I'd recommend first is being honest with yourself. Sometimes this can mean be mindful of not just what you're feeling but what caused those feelings. If you can sort that, you may find it easier to sift needs from preferences and bring things in to focus.

Once you've got that it easier to communicate those needs without the noise, and I wish I had had the tools to do that much sooner. I'm still working on it and catch myself softening my meaning instead of saying what I mean (but now I notice when I do it, and I sometimes know why).

Lastly, listen with the purpose of understanding. If there's something you don't quite get, ask for clarification or if there is another way to say it. If there's something you'd like to make a point on during a tough conversation, wait. Make sure you know exactly what your partner said and how they feel. Sometimes they might not know exactly what they're feeling, but they might gain some understanding by talking about it when you are listening with intent and asking questions to help your own understanding of your partner.

Again, sorry for being long winded, but I'm new here and nervous; and apparently this is what that looks like for me...

I think that was a very thoughtful post

Thank you, I needed to hear that. A conversation in another thread left me feeling like a bit of a mess.

The admins here are wonderful, thanks again.