General

Glitter Jelly:
It's official, I'm fat again...

Not fat as in "I feel fat today", fat as in medically overweight (BMI > 25).

I was a chubby kid and as an adult I used to be much heavier (180+ lbs) but after loosing a lot of weight about 10 years ago I was proud that I had managed to keep most of it off.

For the last few years, my weight was pretty stable, fluctuating between 115-120 lbs. Last October, I was 121 lbs.

In March, after noticing some of my clothes (non-stretch dresses and jeans particularly) were getting noticeably tighter, I decided to step on the scale and cried when I saw I was 125 lbs.

I started being more sell conscious and adopted a more restrictive diet, which was easy as I had been prescribed a stimulant ADHD medication in September.

Then I started waking up at night to eat, sometimes multiple times.

Some nights it would be only a fruit and some cheese, but other nights I would eat a large slice of banana bread, spoonfuls of nut butter right from the jar, half a brick of cheese, handfuls of candy, chocolate...

It wasn't long before most of my XS-S wardrobe either didn't fit or was uncomfortably tight to the point I felt embarrassed to wear them in public.

Reluctantly, I weighted myself again in August and had a huge meltdown when I saw I was 139 lbs and had gained 15 lbs in only 5 months!

My depression has gotten really bad because I'm terrified my weight is going to climb faster and faster until I'm as fat or fatter than I used to be. Maybe this time I'll cross the line into morbid obesity.

I just bought a keyed lock for my fridge and replaced all the knobs on my kitchen cabinet for handles so I can lock them with wire locks. I'm going to keep the keys in a timed lock box with no override.

I'm hoping this will help me lose some of the extra weight or at least stop or slow down the weight gain... I'm not delusion, however, so I already started selling all my XS clothes because it's very unlikely I'll ever be that thin again as my metabolic is ruined from years of dieting.

None of this is going to help me when I sleep at my boyfriend's place (more often than not), as he doesn't want to lock his cabinets and fridge.

I suspect he likes my new curves but I sure don't. I don't recognize my body when I look in the mirror and feel very disconnected from it.

I've been on sick leave since May so my coworkers will undoubtedly notice my fuller figure even if I try to hide my fat under loose clothing.

I dread their comments, especially from those who used to praise me for / envy my formerly thin body. I used to wear pretty dresses everyday and now none of these fit me anymore.

Can anyone relate? Any advice / kind words will be appreciated.

ETA:

I know how crazy this sounds coming from someone who identifies as a FA. Yet, while I find beauty in bodies of all shapes and sizes, I struggle to see it in myself. Maybe this is PTSD from the relentless bullying / body shaming I suffered as a child?

Glitter Jelly:
It's official, I'm fat again...

Not fat as in "I feel fat today", fat as in medically overweight (BMI > 25).

I was a chubby kid and as an adult I used to be much heavier (180+ lbs) but after loosing a lot of weight about 10 years ago I was proud that I had managed to keep most of it off.

For the last few years, my weight was pretty stable, fluctuating between 115-120 lbs. Last October, I was 121 lbs.

In March, after noticing some of my clothes (non-stretch dresses and jeans particularly) were getting noticeably tighter, I decided to step on the scale and cried when I saw I was 125 lbs.

I started being more sell conscious and adopted a more restrictive diet, which was easy as I had been prescribed a stimulant ADHD medication in September.

Then I started waking up at night to eat, sometimes multiple times.

Some nights it would be only a fruit and some cheese, but other nights I would eat a large slice of banana bread, spoonfuls of nut butter right from the jar, half a brick of cheese, handfuls of candy, chocolate...

It wasn't long before most of my XS-S wardrobe either didn't fit or was uncomfortably tight to the point I felt embarrassed to wear them in public.

Reluctantly, I weighted myself again in August and had a huge meltdown when I saw I was 139 lbs and had gained 15 lbs in only 5 months!

My depression has gotten really bad because I'm terrified my weight is going to climb faster and faster until I'm as fat or fatter than I used to be. Maybe this time I'll cross the line into morbid obesity.

I just bought a keyed lock for my fridge and replaced all the knobs on my kitchen cabinet for handles so I can lock them with wire locks. I'm going to keep the keys in a timed lock box with no override.

I'm hoping this will help me lose some of the extra weight or at least stop or slow down the weight gain... I'm not delusion, however, so I already started selling all my XS clothes because it's very unlikely I'll ever be that thin again as my metabolic is ruined from years of dieting.

None of this is going to help me when I sleep at my boyfriend's place (more often than not), as he doesn't want to lock his cabinets and fridge.

I suspect he likes my new curves but I sure don't. I don't recognize my body when I look in the mirror and feel very disconnected from it.

I've been on sick leave since May so my coworkers will undoubtedly notice my fuller figure even if I try to hide my fat under loose clothing.

I dread their comments, especially from those who used to praise me for / envy my formerly thin body. I used to wear pretty dresses everyday and now none of these fit me anymore.

Can anyone relate? Any advice / kind words will be appreciated.

ETA:

I know how crazy this sounds coming from someone who identifies as a FA. Yet, while I find beauty in bodies of all shapes and sizes, I struggle to see it in myself. Maybe this is PTSD from the relentless bullying / body shaming I suffered as a child?

Munchies:
Hello fellow human with body dysmorphia. You are not weird or bad for feeling how you are feeling. You are also not a failure for gaining either.

To be very clear, I am not telling you that you need to get over your emotions and embrace the fat life. I am also not saying you need to hunker down and lose everything you gained. But you are valid no matter your shape.

Are you seeing a therapist about this?

Munchies:
Hello fellow human with body dysmorphia. You are not weird or bad for feeling how you are feeling. You are also not a failure for gaining either.

To be very clear, I am not telling you that you need to get over your emotions and embrace the fat life. I am also not saying you need to hunker down and lose everything you gained. But you are valid no matter your shape.

Are you seeing a therapist about this?

Glitter Jelly:
Yes, I think I might have body dysmorphia. It was never diagnosed but I relate to the experience.

I'm on sick leave and my employer has a program where you get to have 6 (actually 5 because the first appointment is only the therapist asking you questions so they can pinpoint the most pressing issues in your life right now).

Mine is going to help me accept my fat body more. I'm a long way to body positivity but if I can at least achieve body neutrality that would be a step in the right direction.

I know she wants me to become more active because it would help with my mood, but I can't help but hear "you need to get off your lazy ass you fat pig" when she says that. I've always associated exercise to weight loss.

She says she's not going to help me lose weight, that it's not the objective, but it's like I'm allergic to the words "try to be more active"!

The fact my bf keeps saying how beautiful I am, that his former gf were fatter than I am and that he would still have found me beautiful when I was at my highest weight (he's seen pictures) should help but I feel this will have to come from me.

He used to be much fatter himself and, like me, he has loose skin. At least loving his body has helped me realize loose skin isn't as ugly as I used to think otherwise I wouldn't love his body. And it's soft than normal skin, too... I love stroking his underarms and inner thighs.

Glitter Jelly:
It's official, I'm fat again...

Not fat as in "I feel fat today", fat as in medically overweight (BMI > 25).

I was a chubby kid and as an adult I used to be much heavier (180+ lbs) but after loosing a lot of weight about 10 years ago I was proud that I had managed to keep most of it off.

For the last few years, my weight was pretty stable, fluctuating between 115-120 lbs. Last October, I was 121 lbs.

In March, after noticing some of my clothes (non-stretch dresses and jeans particularly) were getting noticeably tighter, I decided to step on the scale and cried when I saw I was 125 lbs.

I started being more sell conscious and adopted a more restrictive diet, which was easy as I had been prescribed a stimulant ADHD medication in September.

Then I started waking up at night to eat, sometimes multiple times.

Some nights it would be only a fruit and some cheese, but other nights I would eat a large slice of banana bread, spoonfuls of nut butter right from the jar, half a brick of cheese, handfuls of candy, chocolate...

It wasn't long before most of my XS-S wardrobe either didn't fit or was uncomfortably tight to the point I felt embarrassed to wear them in public.

Reluctantly, I weighted myself again in August and had a huge meltdown when I saw I was 139 lbs and had gained 15 lbs in only 5 months!

My depression has gotten really bad because I'm terrified my weight is going to climb faster and faster until I'm as fat or fatter than I used to be. Maybe this time I'll cross the line into morbid obesity.

I just bought a keyed lock for my fridge and replaced all the knobs on my kitchen cabinet for handles so I can lock them with wire locks. I'm going to keep the keys in a timed lock box with no override.

I'm hoping this will help me lose some of the extra weight or at least stop or slow down the weight gain... I'm not delusion, however, so I already started selling all my XS clothes because it's very unlikely I'll ever be that thin again as my metabolic is ruined from years of dieting.

None of this is going to help me when I sleep at my boyfriend's place (more often than not), as he doesn't want to lock his cabinets and fridge.

I suspect he likes my new curves but I sure don't. I don't recognize my body when I look in the mirror and feel very disconnected from it.

I've been on sick leave since May so my coworkers will undoubtedly notice my fuller figure even if I try to hide my fat under loose clothing.

I dread their comments, especially from those who used to praise me for / envy my formerly thin body. I used to wear pretty dresses everyday and now none of these fit me anymore.

Can anyone relate? Any advice / kind words will be appreciated.

ETA:

I know how crazy this sounds coming from someone who identifies as a FA. Yet, while I find beauty in bodies of all shapes and sizes, I struggle to see it in myself. Maybe this is PTSD from the relentless bullying / body shaming I suffered as a child?

Glitter Jelly:
It's official, I'm fat again...

Not fat as in "I feel fat today", fat as in medically overweight (BMI > 25).

I was a chubby kid and as an adult I used to be much heavier (180+ lbs) but after loosing a lot of weight about 10 years ago I was proud that I had managed to keep most of it off.

For the last few years, my weight was pretty stable, fluctuating between 115-120 lbs. Last October, I was 121 lbs.

In March, after noticing some of my clothes (non-stretch dresses and jeans particularly) were getting noticeably tighter, I decided to step on the scale and cried when I saw I was 125 lbs.

I started being more sell conscious and adopted a more restrictive diet, which was easy as I had been prescribed a stimulant ADHD medication in September.

Then I started waking up at night to eat, sometimes multiple times.

Some nights it would be only a fruit and some cheese, but other nights I would eat a large slice of banana bread, spoonfuls of nut butter right from the jar, half a brick of cheese, handfuls of candy, chocolate...

It wasn't long before most of my XS-S wardrobe either didn't fit or was uncomfortably tight to the point I felt embarrassed to wear them in public.

Reluctantly, I weighted myself again in August and had a huge meltdown when I saw I was 139 lbs and had gained 15 lbs in only 5 months!

My depression has gotten really bad because I'm terrified my weight is going to climb faster and faster until I'm as fat or fatter than I used to be. Maybe this time I'll cross the line into morbid obesity.

I just bought a keyed lock for my fridge and replaced all the knobs on my kitchen cabinet for handles so I can lock them with wire locks. I'm going to keep the keys in a timed lock box with no override.

I'm hoping this will help me lose some of the extra weight or at least stop or slow down the weight gain... I'm not delusion, however, so I already started selling all my XS clothes because it's very unlikely I'll ever be that thin again as my metabolic is ruined from years of dieting.

None of this is going to help me when I sleep at my boyfriend's place (more often than not), as he doesn't want to lock his cabinets and fridge.

I suspect he likes my new curves but I sure don't. I don't recognize my body when I look in the mirror and feel very disconnected from it.

I've been on sick leave since May so my coworkers will undoubtedly notice my fuller figure even if I try to hide my fat under loose clothing.

I dread their comments, especially from those who used to praise me for / envy my formerly thin body. I used to wear pretty dresses everyday and now none of these fit me anymore.

Can anyone relate? Any advice / kind words will be appreciated.

ETA:

I know how crazy this sounds coming from someone who identifies as a FA. Yet, while I find beauty in bodies of all shapes and sizes, I struggle to see it in myself. Maybe this is PTSD from the relentless bullying / body shaming I suffered as a child?

BigBallBellyGirl:
This doesn't sound crazy at all, friend. There are many ways to enjoy your interests as an FA. For some of us, it's our own obesity; for some, it's feeling stuffed; for some it's feeding someone else and making them fat; for some, it's fantasy and stories and visuals. All of these things are perfectly okay.

The important part is, taking care of your mental health. Your body is no more or less lovable at a lower weight than a higher one, or vice versa. I will say, I wish there were more resources there for those of us who struggle. The six Employee Assistance Program visits that are standard with most employers are a nice benefit if you're exploring care and trying to find a provider. As far as restoring mental health and addressing trauma... Well, that's not going to happen in 6 hours.

Nevertheless, be kind to yourself. If you do choose to lose weight, make sure it's a positive thing to you, and not a punishment. You haven't "let yourself go" and you sure the heck haven't done anything wrong.

I hope you are continuing on a journey to self-love. You are very reflective, and you're asking questions. Those are good things. Seek out people who encourage you. And know that, while some real creeps lurk around this community, there are plenty of genuine people who will support you too. Many of us are kind, multifaceted people, who may share a common interest but are also so much more. I'm proud of you for seeking support.

Glitter Jelly:
Haven't been able to lose any weight because I've been sleeping at my bf most nights which means I'm still waking up and eating at night. Will see an endocrinologist in December, I'm almost hoping something is wrong with my health so this can be medically fixed. I feel so uncomfortable in everything, I dread going out of my home now. But staying in means I'm moving even less and I need to start exercising even if it's just walking more... My bf says I need to jog and walking isn't exercise, but I have bad memories of PE classes from being a fat child/teenager...

Glitter Jelly:
Haven't been able to lose any weight because I've been sleeping at my bf most nights which means I'm still waking up and eating at night. Will see an endocrinologist in December, I'm almost hoping something is wrong with my health so this can be medically fixed. I feel so uncomfortable in everything, I dread going out of my home now. But staying in means I'm moving even less and I need to start exercising even if it's just walking more... My bf says I need to jog and walking isn't exercise, but I have bad memories of PE classes from being a fat child/teenager...

Glitter Jelly:
Haven't been able to lose any weight because I've been sleeping at my bf most nights which means I'm still waking up and eating at night. Will see an endocrinologist in December, I'm almost hoping something is wrong with my health so this can be medically fixed. I feel so uncomfortable in everything, I dread going out of my home now. But staying in means I'm moving even less and I need to start exercising even if it's just walking more... My bf says I need to jog and walking isn't exercise, but I have bad memories of PE classes from being a fat child/teenager...

SumoSized:
To be completely blunt your bf is flat out wrong there, any type of movement outside of your normal routine is exercise. And it's actually better if you start off slow, that way it doesn't shock your system too bad and ruin your moral. I would recommend going on walks throughout your neighborhood (or a treadmill if you have access to one) and time your walks. Each time you do this you want to try to walk for a little longer than the time before. Then once your body adjusts to this start speed walking for sections of it. Speed walk until you physically can't anymore and then walk for as long as you feel safe. Then after this do the same thing but with jogging, and then after that you can try sprinting. And there's a reason people refer to this as a fitness journey. Don't get discouraged if it takes months if not a year to reach the goals that you set for yourself. You'll make progress eventually.