1 month
Hickups after overeating/chugging
I know.
Thank you for doing that, even if I admit the ED part of me gets extremely angry when you write I'm not fat.
I've read many of your messages here and it's obvious that your interventions not only with me but with so many other FF users are well intentioned.
I sure you can find understand that noticing the slightest change in people's attitude towards me tends to validate my conviction that, from an outside perspective, if I am not fat yet I'm definitely on my way and people are noticing.
As I grew thinner I had noticed that I got more attention from men and even some women were nicer to me. Like, I could jay walk across a street and cars would hastily stop to let me.
Or during traffic time if I wanted to merge into a congested car lane, some people would look at me, smile and allow me.
Now there is less of that, the same way there was less of it before I lost the weight. I'm losing thin privilege and, as a formerly fat child, teenager and young adult who had never benefited from it before I entered dangerously thin territory (especially considering my high starting weight) this is very hard to accept.
In the episode "Tell me I'm fat" of the podcast "This american life", a woman working on that show who lost over 100 lbs on phentermine, talks about many instances where she was surprised that she could get away with being a full 10$ short to pay for her grocery (when acting like she was trying to decide what to eliminate from her basket she would be told "just take it" ).
Or when other thin people started looking her body up and down and nodding approvingly at her...
When she was heavy those things didn't happen to her and I can confirm it's true because I've had very similar things happen to me.
I imagine it's hard to believe if you haven't experienced it for yourself. The best way I can describe it is it's like you're a completely different person.
So, despite knowing the very real health risks, she kept taking the phentermine for over 10 years after her prescription had ended, buying it from the black market.
I can't blame her, I would have done the same if I'd lost my weight that way.
In my case, I happily remained in quasi-recovery from my anorexia for close to 10 years (until last October I was still significantly restricting my caloric intake and demonstrated many orthorexic behaviours) because I was terrified a full recovery meant getting fat again and most likely overshooting my highest weight (I had a BMI of 34).
It seems those fears were justified, if what's been happening to me lately is any indication of what's to come.
It's not that I suddenly embraced recovery and took steps towards healing my relationship with food and my body.
Despite my best efforts to restrict, I inevitably end up stress eating and bingeing on "forbidden foods" (like cookies and pastries which I had strictly been avoiding since my relapse except when I was forced to have them while in treatment), especially at night when my self-control is at its weakest.
This was not only unacceptable to me, I felt I wouldn't be able to keep on living if that happened. I had actually decided on a weight at which I'd have to kill myself if I ever reached it.
Well, this somewhere between last March and last August and, although my mental health significantly deteriorated, I'm still alive. I'm at least 10 lbs over that number by now and hate myself for letting myself go like this (even though I didn't chose to have so many stressful events happen back to back in the last few months and the hormonal imbalances might have contributed to my WG).
I'd be lying if I said I don't feeling like dying when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror or outgrow another favourite piece of clothing.
I struggle with ED thoughts (after I overeat or indulge in certain foods I often feel compelled to purge but I don't... it's a constant battle) and body dysmorphia.
I'm working on these issues as best as I can, but without the help of ED specialists I'm not sure I'll manage to get myself out of the hole I dug myself into.
Thank you for doing that, even if I admit the ED part of me gets extremely angry when you write I'm not fat.
I've read many of your messages here and it's obvious that your interventions not only with me but with so many other FF users are well intentioned.
I sure you can find understand that noticing the slightest change in people's attitude towards me tends to validate my conviction that, from an outside perspective, if I am not fat yet I'm definitely on my way and people are noticing.
As I grew thinner I had noticed that I got more attention from men and even some women were nicer to me. Like, I could jay walk across a street and cars would hastily stop to let me.
Or during traffic time if I wanted to merge into a congested car lane, some people would look at me, smile and allow me.
Now there is less of that, the same way there was less of it before I lost the weight. I'm losing thin privilege and, as a formerly fat child, teenager and young adult who had never benefited from it before I entered dangerously thin territory (especially considering my high starting weight) this is very hard to accept.
In the episode "Tell me I'm fat" of the podcast "This american life", a woman working on that show who lost over 100 lbs on phentermine, talks about many instances where she was surprised that she could get away with being a full 10$ short to pay for her grocery (when acting like she was trying to decide what to eliminate from her basket she would be told "just take it" ).
Or when other thin people started looking her body up and down and nodding approvingly at her...
When she was heavy those things didn't happen to her and I can confirm it's true because I've had very similar things happen to me.
I imagine it's hard to believe if you haven't experienced it for yourself. The best way I can describe it is it's like you're a completely different person.
So, despite knowing the very real health risks, she kept taking the phentermine for over 10 years after her prescription had ended, buying it from the black market.
I can't blame her, I would have done the same if I'd lost my weight that way.
In my case, I happily remained in quasi-recovery from my anorexia for close to 10 years (until last October I was still significantly restricting my caloric intake and demonstrated many orthorexic behaviours) because I was terrified a full recovery meant getting fat again and most likely overshooting my highest weight (I had a BMI of 34).
It seems those fears were justified, if what's been happening to me lately is any indication of what's to come.
It's not that I suddenly embraced recovery and took steps towards healing my relationship with food and my body.
Despite my best efforts to restrict, I inevitably end up stress eating and bingeing on "forbidden foods" (like cookies and pastries which I had strictly been avoiding since my relapse except when I was forced to have them while in treatment), especially at night when my self-control is at its weakest.
This was not only unacceptable to me, I felt I wouldn't be able to keep on living if that happened. I had actually decided on a weight at which I'd have to kill myself if I ever reached it.
Well, this somewhere between last March and last August and, although my mental health significantly deteriorated, I'm still alive. I'm at least 10 lbs over that number by now and hate myself for letting myself go like this (even though I didn't chose to have so many stressful events happen back to back in the last few months and the hormonal imbalances might have contributed to my WG).
I'd be lying if I said I don't feeling like dying when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror or outgrow another favourite piece of clothing.
I struggle with ED thoughts (after I overeat or indulge in certain foods I often feel compelled to purge but I don't... it's a constant battle) and body dysmorphia.
I'm working on these issues as best as I can, but without the help of ED specialists I'm not sure I'll manage to get myself out of the hole I dug myself into.
1 month
