General

This is a frustrated rant, but I do believe this is a good question.

As I gainer I've never had any experience with a feeder, not in person nor online, so my expectations come from what I see others tell about their own experiences. In a way we're sacrificing our bodies, health, mobility, clothes, furniture, job possibilities and social relations. All for a body size we find desirable, yet also making life harder. Is it unfair to expect a feeder's job has to reflect that sacrifice we make? They face monetary loss, that's true, but if I break up with my partner after he fattened me, he walks away with less money, but with his mobility and health intact, while I have to deal with the downfall of not having access to many jobs, fitting clothes or an outside life.
I say all this because in every conversation I had with a feeder the focus has been on what I have to do, what I have to eat, what I have to buy. Some time ago a feeder said that he would care and fatten me, that we would get a disability pension to expend on my gains. And it clicked, that way he didn't loose anything, but I did. He would gain sexual pleasure from fattening me and taking advantage of what I had, but he wouldn't give anything. I'm giving my body to you, but you won't even reflect that? What is the fairest exchange I can expect from a feeder in this regard? On my current weight and without intentionally gaining I don't expect anything from anyone but the basic respect and dignity as the humans we are, yet if making me fatter is the conversation, can I expect from my feeder that his material input reflects what I'm both giving him and giving up?

As a feeder myself, you ain't tell not a damned lie.

Most of the feeders in this community ain't shit. It's all about finding a sentient ball of fat to fool around with until they get bored.

A good feeder prioritizes their feedees' needs over their own wants. The specific dynamic can vary (for example, most heterosexual male feedees do not want female feeders buying them food), but the feeder needs to be a solid support system.

For example, when my current feedee and I got together, he made it clear that he wanted to get as fat as possible while still being mobile. So, my job was to be his cheerleader and guardrail. I fed, encouraged, and celebrated him while ensuring he never went too far.

Again, every dynamic is going to be different. But if you can't make things safe and pleasant for your feedee, what are you even doing?

In my experience, most feeders talk a big game, but when it comes to the moment of truth suddenly it's silence or stuttering. Grommr is full of unreliable feeders and begging gainers, and most of the interactions I get are "big belly" and nothing beyond that, it's honestly disheartening. I can only speak about gay/mlm sites, but I guess it's the same everywhere else.

I’ve never had much time for so called feeders. For the most part they obviously only contact you when they are horny.

The best interactions I’ve had are with mutual gainers. They understand what is involved, and they are much less transactional.

This makes sense. I've spoken to many feeders. Many of them do not understand the other side of things, nor do they care to understand. They also expect your average feedee/gainer to enjoy what only niche feedists enjoy.

Seems like it. I've never been on Grommr for obvious reasons (Are there women on Grommr? Like lesbians?) but I have talked to a lot of guys who have accounts on there. Of course there are some differences, but not nearly as many as I expected.

This is a very fair point you're making, to be honest. It's something I find to be a negative aspect of this community. In my mind I consider myself a feeder, but the things you talk about are exactly the reason why I might never act on it. I don't think it would be fair to ask someone to make such a big sacrifice just for the sake of sexual pleasure. I think I would feel too guilty about it, even if someone begged me to do it.

There are some trans women I've seen around, but it's a gay platform. There's also Chasabl, but focused on chasers. It's the biggest platform for gay men out there, although biggest doesn't mean the best.