Fat experiences

I'm 46 years old. I've been a member of this community (here and elsewhere) one way or another since the late 90's. I've been big, I've been small and everywhere in between. A little more than two years ago I was in the best shape of my life. 194lbs, eating well and exercising. Then I decided to take a break and have some of the foods I had been avoiding. Some turned into some more then a lot more. I gained 72lbs in 9 months. Since then I lost some and then regained it and more to my highest ever weight of 275lbs. A few months ago I decided to eat a bit better and get some more walking in. Why? I'm not sure. Just felt like it I guess. Not even necessarily looking to lose weight. I have been a yo-yo dieter my whole adult life. My name here was to say I didn't want to yo-yo anymore. Yet, I did exactly that. Granted I didn't lose as much as I had in the past and rebounded as always. This time while losing some, I've discovered that I have more subcutaneous fat than before. In my years and years of gaining and losing and gaining and losing, I've never been this squishy. I did not expect it. The bigger issue, though, is that my mind is in "healthier" mode. Finding myself squishy has set off a cognitive dissonance I don't know how to deal with. I'm not against being squishier, it's what I've always wanted. I am just having trouble processing the fact that I've accidentally wound up here.

the great thing about gaining is that it is reversible, so take sometime, let your body adjust to your new body and then decide .. but you don't have to rush into losing anything as of yet, yoyoing is actually very bad for your heart and muscles.

I am aware of the potential issues with yoyo dieting. I have also seen conflicting reports. Regardless, it's what I've done for years. Why? I don't know. Sometimes I've lost because I didn't feel good. Sometimes I've lost because I wanted to. But every time I've wound up fat again.

I'm not intentionally losing now. I decided I wanted to eat better. If I lose, cool. If I don't, also cool.

Oddly enough, it wasn't too long ago that I was musing about gaining to 300lbs. What stopped me? Who knows. Will I get there? Never say never. I'm about 260 right now and for the first time, appear squishier.

I have been eating better, but the more I think about it, the more I want to keep gaining. I don't think I'm there completely, but it's on my mind. My hope is to take it easy and see what happens. I am trying to avoid fast foods. I think this is a big factor as to why I've lost visceral fat.